I was really sick with some bad respiratory infection and his column on the Martian Death Flu started me laughing, then coughing so hard I passed out. It's a classic, still funny as hell - and dangerous if you have trouble breathing!
The 'Martian Death Flu' Inches From Carpet, Molecules Hit Eyeballs
BY DAVE BARRY
Posted: April 02, 1986
We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu." You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past HIGH, that said ELECTROCUTION.
Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing process, you'd have to lie in front of the sink to rest for a couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the police would find you.
You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
I spend a lot of time lying very still, thinking flu-related thoughts. One insight I have had is that all this time, scientists have been telling us the truth: Air really is made up of tiny objects called "molecules." I know this because I can feel them banging against my body. There are billions and billions and billions of them, but if I concentrate, I can detect each individually, striking my body, especially my eyeballs, at speeds upwards of 100,000 miles per hour. If I try to escape by pulling the blanket over my face, they attack my hair, which has become almost as sensitive as my teeth.
More:
http://articles.philly.com/1986-04-02/news/26079798_1_electric-blanket-molecules-toothpaste
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