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In reply to the discussion: Adults that spoil kids aggravate me [View all]tpsbmam
(3,927 posts)He was described by my friend as "very immature. He's enrolled in online school -- he doesn't attend school and doesn't seem to interact with anyone his age, or with many people for that matter. He told me he has "behavioral problems." He seemed like a sweet kid. I could easily see why he doesn't interact much with peers his age -- he'd be a little awkward (and, yes, a little immature) interacting with that age group. He is reportedly wonderful with young kids, including my friend's 3 kids ages 3, 5 & 7 (they were at Dad's for Xmas). That's nothing to sneeze at! That's a very good sign. How can the kid learn to interact if he's so isolated and shut up when among adults? Granted, the isolation may be due to problems he had with social interactions, but still....the poor kid can't learn to be amongst other people if the adults keep this up. Among other things, he needs to have what I saw as quite a number of assets acknowledged -- that doesn't seem to be happening. My friend sucks at positive reinforcement of her kids -- there's very little acknowledgment of the things the do right/well, only the bad stuff. I've tried and tried to change that! I even set up a behavioral program for home for my little sweetie. She reportedly acted out a lot at home -- she VERY rarely did it with me! She reminded me that I put her in time out.....3 times according to her. Three times in a few years! And that's pretty reflective of the amount of time she acted out with me. My friend reported it "didn't work." Yeah it didn't work because SHE didn't do it -- my urging to use positive reinforcement went nowhere -- only the negative is pointed out. I see that happening with this 14-year- old too -- sad.
Frankly, from what I saw, the problems are mostly with the father and now my friend! The kid needs, among other things, someone who treats him with respect and conveys that he's valued, including his opinions. He did talk a great deal about his love for Legos, which on the surface seems immature. But I've seen some pretty amazing Lego structures and he talked about some pretty cool things he was building/had built (examples below).
The BF lives about an hour away. I hope I encounter the kid more -- I'd love to continue that with him. Research repeatedly shows that even one adult who provides positive "prosocial" experiences for the kid are the most important points of resiliency for kids who grow up in families with less than optimal environments for kids. Unfortunately, an adult that a kid encounters infrequently probably isn't enough: "The most important protective resource for development is no surprise, it is a strong relationship with a competent, caring, prosocial adult." I hope the parenting I saw was an anomaly -- I doubt it -- or the kid has that "competent, caring, prosocial adult" in his life.
This church is incredible!:
(Many more photos at artist Amy Huges' website.)
Edward Hopper
Magritte