What was the closest you've ever come to dying/death....?

[Victor_c3]

43. Short answer to your biig question

I noticed your story was, like mine, from combat experiences.

I've had many. Like you said, I laughed after most of them and, even to this day, some of them still seem funny to me.

I was in Iraq from Feb 2004 through March 2005, I can even recount the exact dates of many of them. The really close calls I had weren't that scary to me at the time. Often times, the seriousness of the incident didn't strike me until well after I was out of Iraq. The times that were most scary to me didn't actually correlate with the times that I was in the most danger. To me, I was most scared when I expected an ambush or I knew an attack was imminent (like when you roll through a street that is normally bustling and busy and all of a sudden it is completely vacant). Once the enemy engaged us my fear subsided and anger took over and I didn't care.

The impacts it had on me are rather extensive. I got out of the Army in October of 2007 and have been dealing with worsening PTSD for nearly 10 years now. At first, it wasn't that bad but slowly over the years it has become totally disabling to me. I lost my job just over a year ago due to it and I now collect a rather healthy disability retirement from SSDI, the VA, and my former employer. Life is finally starting to look up for me right now, but I'm still dealing with the aftereffects.

Early in my deployment I got scared at the idea of dying but towards the end I didn't care anymore.

The biggest thing for me is when I get angry I get really angry and I become very confrontational. When I'm in those states I really don't give a fuck about anything and it is all I can do to not totally destroy everything around me. From my experiences in Iraq I got used to the idea of dying and I experienced it enough that I honestly just stopped caring. Since I left the Army it has manifested itself in me as a near constant state of suicidal ideation.

I had a very serious suicide attempt where I actually cut my wrists multiple times and ran around the house spraying my blood all over my wife and everything. In my fit of rage I honestly wanted to die and expected to. Afterwards I came to the realization, that, when facing and expecting death that it is painless and not scary at all. I suspected that would be the case after I watched people die when I was in Iraq when we'd find them after a firefight or I'd come across survivors after an explosion, but I knew for sure after my own experience.

For me it has been a struggle to get myself to care about trying to stay alive. I have two kids that depend on me financially and that does a great job. However, in the moments of rage that I get, I often don't even think about them or anything else.

Again, the aftereffects have had a very profound impact on my life - so much so that I don't even know if I can do a good job putting it into words.