Fat "acceptance" - from the PoV of a fat person

[Ms. Toad]

157. Let me give you another perspective.

I was raped at age 19. From then until age 39, I was 20-65 lbs above where feel most comfortable. It was a completely subconscious attempt to make myself invisible to those who might otherwise see me as a target for sexual aggression. At age 39 I had a very abrupt awakening, courtesy of having lost a significant amount of weight - and spending the morning of a prison visit frantically searching my closet for something I wasn't finding until I realized what I was searching for was something that would make me look fat - the first time in 20 years I had any awareness of why it has been so hard for me to maintain a weight at which I am comfortable.

I am far from alone as a woman who carries extra weight, either consciously or subconsciously, to deter unwanted aggressive sexual behavior from men. The blog post I wrote about this garnered more responses than any other I've written - many from women who recognized themselves.

So, at age 39, slightly more than half of my life had been spent developing habits subconsciously designed to maintain my weight somewhere between overweight and obese.

In the most recent third of my life, I have lost weight several times - and have been successful in maintaining it for as long as 5 years. But physical habits of half a lifetime die hard, and when my life is stressed I revert to convenience, taste, and old habits, and the weight piles back on.

Recently, I have been working 80-100 hours a week. I am the sole breadwinner, with a spouse who has mild cognitive impairment consistent with the early stages of Alzheimers, an adult daughter with three chronic diseases that put her at risk for a half-dozen or more cancers and leaves her constantly fatigued and unable to complete college or work full time, I've had now 4 significant illnesses during this time period (2009 to present). I'm also the only one capable of hearing the medical discussions we need to have with various doctors, of doing taxes, of reviewing medical bills ($60-$100,000 a year) so, on top of my work week, I have to make time for the household things no one is capable of - or inclined to do. When I'm driving home between midnight and 2 AM, knowing that my spouse and daughter will have had a pissing contest over who has to do the dishes - I resort to quick, available, and tasty comfort food because I know I need to eat something. That typically means a hamburger and onion rings, or fried cheese, fried macaroni, and onion rings, and maybe a rice krispie treat. It was often the only respite I had in the work day that started long before noon. And when I get home, I do the dishes, because the path of least resistance is all I can manage - and it is far easier to do the dishes than it is to play peacemaker and get one of them to do it.

So while you're sneering at some overweight person making bad food choices, try to remember that you really have no clue about what led to that moment you are witnessing.