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[haele]

30. Here's what I would say to the young man.

Son, before you head out into the world, let me tell you a few things about being an adult.

First: Everyone has the right and responsibility to own their sexuality. You are not ever, ever entitled to someone else's sexuality just because you feel horny and want to exercise your penis.
That being said, here's a few rules about responsible adult sex.

1. Anyone who wants you to get too drunk to be aware of what you're doing is a tool that either wants to take advantage of you, or is a loser who wants to surround himself/herself with equally loser friends. While it's okay to get a bit tipsy around other people, never get so drunk or stoned you can't be in control of yourself - that's just stupid, letting the alcohol or drug take control of your life.

2. Only the initial and enthusiastic "Yes" is consent to have sex. People might be too confused or conflicted to say "no" when they don't want sex. Lack of a qualified yes or no, or having to be badgered or "convinced" to have sex is not consent. And just because you're a "nice guy" or you paid for dinner or drinks doesn't mean you deserve sex from a woman you may want to have sex with - you have to be upfront with the fact you want to have sex with her and are looking for that enthusiastic yes as consent. If you're stuck in the friend zone, don't try to change it unless or until the other party is willing to go the next step.

If someone is not coherent, in an altered or overly emotional state, or is drunk, there is no consent; lack of consent when having sex can always be considered rape.

3. Likewise, sexual coercion or sex being used to control someone is rape, no matter what the gender. Since you are a man, you will tend to have the greater body strength and appearance that can be coercive to someone who is smaller and perhaps less certain of what they really want. If you have to keep asking until she (or he) says yes, or if you have to trick her, or if you have to get them inebriated before they say yes, then it's rape.
A warning - there are a very few sociopathic women who will choose and try to coerce men they want to gain control over to have sex to get that control - so if you don't let your little head take over your thinking, and remain sober enough to recognize when someone is trying to convince you to have sex, you won't become a victim of either a woman looking for a Mr. to rescue her, or of a woman who just wants someone to take responsibility for her shortcomings. Most women you meet aren't like that.

So whether you go out and party with your friends, or go out looking for casual sex, or go out looking for a relationship, remember that only a sober and enthusiastic "yes" is consent to have sex.
Anything else can and will be used against you eventually, either legally or to your social reputation.


Haele