Garrison Keillor: Life after the election [View all]

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Garrison Keillor: Life after the election

Garrison Keillor Updated 12:58 pm, Tuesday, November 15, 2016


It was gratifying that after Wisconsin voted him into the presidency, the gentleman did not talk about putting Hillary in prison. That was a nice surprise. And when he met with Obama of Kenya, the white sahib was well-behaved, listened to what the African had to say, did not interrupt or call him stupid, and in fact thanked the alien for meeting with him. He did a good impersonation of modesty.

Say what you will, the man is flexible. The wall on the border, his reliable applause line this past year, has been downgraded to a fence in some places and may eventually turn into a line of orange highway cones. The 11 million deportees are down to two or three. Hillary may be let off with an ankle bracelet.

While he's making alterations, he should consider getting a presidential hairdo rather than the hair of a hotel lounge pianist in 1959. It's distracting to watch a man talk about national security, looking like he may suddenly burst into "Volare."A makeover would take about 15 minutes max. And might a speech therapist try to smooth out the Tony Soprano accent and give him a presidential voice like Nixon's or Reagan's and cut out those irritating repetitions for emphasis -- do you know what I mean? Am I right? Am I right? You know I'm right. You better believe I'm right.

He will never be my president because he doesn't read books, can't write more than a sentence or two at a time, has no strong loyalties beyond himself, is more insular than any New Yorker I ever knew, and because I don't see anything admirable or honorable about him. This sets him apart from other politicians. The disaffected white blue-collar workers elected a Fifth Avenue tycoon to rescue them from the elitists -- fine, I get that -- but they could've chosen a better tycoon. One who served in the military or attends church or reads history, loves opera, sails a boat -- something -- anything -- raises llamas, plays the oboe, runs a 5K race now and then, has close friends from childhood. I look at him and there's nothing there.

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http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/Garrison-Keillor-Life-after-the-election-10616258.php