my mother is dying

[Rorey]

31. kpete, I want to give you a hug

I think that this will be something that is always a struggle for you, even after your mother is gone.

My mother was not a very demonstrative person when it came to showing love toward her children. Still, I was shocked when my dad told me, after she died, that she said that she wished she had never had children. I wish she had said it to me so I could ask her why she said it. What did she really mean?

She actually died on Mother's Day. I had purchased a flower arrangement the day before and was going to give it to her on Mother's Day morning, but for some reason I decided to take it to her early. She sat up on her bed and thanked me profusely, telling me I always brought her the most beautiful flowers. That night she collapsed. She died shortly after midnight, so it was on Mother's Day, technically.

I still struggle with my unusual relationship with my mother. I know she loved us, but what was the reason she would wish she never had children? I think it may have been because she felt like she was not a perfect mother, or even a good mother. I wish I could have told her that, no, she wasn't a perfect mother. Neither am I. None of us are. But she was a good mother. I wish I had told her that.

What you learned from your mother was how to treat your own children and grandchildren, which was not the way you were treated. So there's something to be said for that.