God Delays Title Transfer Of Earth To Meek Yet Again [View all]

[Ichingcarpenter]

HEAVEN—In a statement released today God, the supreme being and creator of the universe, confirmed that he has once again postponed the transfer of the planet Earth to the meek.
Representatives of the meek confirmed that, to date, they have not inherited anything. Gustavo Barros, 67, a blind, homeless man from the slums of Rio De Janeiro, read a statement prepared by the group. “At this time we are, unfortunately, still poor, hungry, and downtrodden,” said Barros. “Moreover, based on the lack of response from God to our repeated inquiries, we're fairly certain that for the foreseeable future, the Earth will remain in the control of the powerful interests that seek to maintain the status quo.”

The news came as a great relief to the non-meek, everywhere. “When they announced that release I started getting really nervous,” said Joel Quinlan, 50, a Connecticut hedge fund manager worth over $7 billion. “I was like, ‘Uh oh. The jig is up. The meek have inherited the Earth and I’m probably going to lose my yacht.’ But it turned out it was just a false alarm. I was so relieved I bought myself another yacht.”

Many non-meek questioned the meek’s ability to manage the Earth, were they to inherit it. “I don’t think these ‘meek’ should be running things,” said Yousuf Qureshi, 33, a Somali warlord who has killed over 400 people. “They are not proactive enough.”


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