Question for DUers who grew up religious, and rejected that relgion

[susanr516]

20. Well, I'm 57 and still struggle

Born and reared conservative Southern Baptist. I broke away the first time when I was about 20, wandered back into it when I was in my mid-30s, left for good about 10 years later.

Even when I was a child, I questioned a lot of it. It seemed like the most hate-filled people I knew were staunch church members. As I grew older, I really questioned whether there was a God. Strangely enough, I became a Democrat because it seemed to me that the Democratic platform was much more Christ-like than the Republicans'. I finally left for good when it became obvious that the church actively discouraged rational thought. I realized that 90% of the people sitting in the pews were so brain-washed that, if told it was the Christian thing to do, carry out all kinds of atrocities, with smiles on their faces because they were doing "God's will." I walked away and never looked back. To this day, the most hateful, hypocritical people I know are the ones who never miss a church service.

I also have problems equating tough times and bad things happening with the thought that God is punishing me. When my children hit rough patches, I keep remembering some Bible verse I was taught about the sins of the fathers being visited upon their children, and I feel guilty. The biggest problem I have is that my former church was one of those "Rapture-ready" types and sometimes current events make me frightened that they were right and now I will burn in Hell.

I keep telling myself that none of what I was taught was rational, but a lot of the BS got slipped into my mind before I was capable of rational thought, so I don't have any real filtering mechanism for it. It's weird, but I think a lot of what Jesus said in the Bible is a good way to live one's life, I just think of Jesus more like a philosopher than a deity. I have a feeling I will always struggle with the guilt and sin/punishment aspects of what I was taught. I was terrified of God; he seemed to be a harsh, judgmental being who liked seeing people suffer for their sins. To be honest, I'm still scared of the concept of a God.