I teach at a school that has a learning resource center (special ed room). The students who need it are assigned there for normally 1 class period for school day, sometimes more. And it's often stated that they can go there if they or the teacher feels they need some time out of the larger classroom. We don't have a self-contained classroom where the students are segregated from the main population for the entire day. That seems to work really well, and we've had good luck taking students who have never been mainstreamed up until high school.
I think it would make sense for you to try to get into a similar situation in your area. Instead of having to do a full transition from one environment last year to the other this coming year, where he doesn't have the skill set yet to be successful 8 hours a day, is there a chance he can do a split schedule? For the first semester (year, whatever it takes) maybe you could lobby for him to be in whatever his favorite subject is, with the understanding that he is sent/asks to go to the LRC when he needs some down time to refocus; that might help give him and the school some confidence. I'm guessing what they are worried about is him disrupting classes to the point where the other students aren't getting access to the education they deserve, and people on both sides need to have an open conversation about that concern and how to alleviate it.
I've had some of the crazy disruptive students before - shrieking obscenities and beating their fists on the walls, and it is very scary for other students, and definitely no learning happens when something like that is going on in the room. We DID manage to work through those moments though, and actually the person I'm thinking of there managed to grow a ton during his time with us, and came back to visit a few times after graduation, with stories of how college classes are going.
Another thing to talk about in IEP meetings is the ability to maybe go to academic classes every other day and do homework in the LRC, if going to all the classes every day is overwhelming at first - or even a part time school schedule if that works with your family situation. But I really think the most positive thing is to attempt the full or part time course schedule daily with the pull out option whenever the sensory inputs are too much.
Try to schedule some time for him individually with teachers if you can. Some of my students who struggle need a good 10 or 15 minute chunk of time (or more) to work through a concept. That's hard to do when you have an hour long class with 20-30 kids. By the time you take attendance, give a demo or short discussion, that leaves maybe 60-120 seconds per student for one on one time. If one student needs the teacher's time for 10 minutes a day for extra explanations or to manage behavior, you can see the issue there. Having the agreed on time outside of the classroom (lunch? prep hour? after school?) can give them the support they need without preventing other students from getting the support they also need.
Hopefully the school you are going to will understand the concept of that special needs is compatible with being gifted.
(Note - I'm not a special ed teacher, just a regular classroom teacher. Hopefully the teachers certified in this area will chime in.)
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