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[laundry_queen]

12. When my grandmother was alive

I asked her one day, about raising 8 kids on a farm in poverty while growing all of their food and tending to the animals as well "How did you do it?"

Her answer is my new mantra. "I just did it. It needed to be done, so I did it. You will always find a way if it needs to be done."

For years, I was a stay at home mom. Now, don't get me wrong, it was a tough job and I didn't (couldn't, lol) slack off. I had a husband who made enough money, so I decided I didn't want to work (most for my kids, but a bit selfish because I knew if I worked, I'd still be the only one to take care of the kids and I didn't want to do both and resent my husband). Because it's what I always wanted to do, even if it wasn't easy, I was ridiculously happy. Then as my kids got older, it got easier. My ex started talking about me getting a job after all the kids were in school - I really didn't want to. I liked my position - I liked that my ex took care of all the financial crap and the 'real life' stuff and I took care of the kids. In a way, I enjoyed being taken care of while I, in turn, cared for our kids. I told him I'd think about getting a job, but I still had years and years until all the kids were in school. Honestly, I REALLY didn't want to. I liked my life, I liked not having a set schedule (except for the kids' school), I was happy. Then my ex cheated and left me (well, he had been cheating for years I later found out). I clearly could not keep being a stay at home mom. I agonized (and cried) about having to put my younger kids in daycare while going back to school. I was sick with stress over all of my life changes (I also moved far away from my ex, yet was still financially dependent on him).

Then one day, I remembered the talk with my grandmother and how she said she just did it. So I decided I was 'just going to do it' too. Whenever I would get panic attacks over a presentation in front of a university class filled with 18 year olds, I'd tell myself, "just do it". Whenever my kids would all start throwing up during exam week, I would tell myself, "just do it, get through it". When I was swamped with homework and didn't know how I would get it all done, and agonized over where to start, I would make myself - FORCE myself to just dig in...just do it. And there were times I really had to force myself - I had a lot of breakdowns over how unfair the whole situation was - how I got the short end of the stick, how I had to do all the child caring, while going to school, and my ex got to go on cruises with the 'other woman'. But after I dried my tears, I would remember to 'just do it because it needs to be done'. The more I 'just did it' the easier 'doing it' became. I'm getting closer to getting my degree - after this term I only have 6 courses left. After this last summer, I really wanted to take some time off school - I just moved into a new place and wanted to work on getting set up properly, painting, yard work, etc and I needed more time to finish everything. I had to really force myself to get back into school. I'm glad I did. It was as hard as hell going back after a couple of months off but now I only have a couple of weeks left until exams and then there will only be 2 more terms for me.

Now I'm dreading about working full-time when I'm done school, but you know what? I've decided I am going to just force myself to just do it. Don't think about it, don't feel sorry for myself, don't whine over the unfairness of the situation...just take care of what needs to be done.

Perhaps you could tell yourself that for your own good, this stuff just needs to be done. I like what was suggested about getting a job. Start there - just do it. See where it takes you. Decide what 'needs to be done' and then take care of it.

Maybe that won't work for you, but thought I'd share anyway. I deal with a lot of anxiety and depression, so I had to change my internal dialog which was HARD, but it's getting better. I think it's also important to pat yourself on the back for the small steps. When I was done one year of school (which amounted to a 'certificate') I took the time to feel some pride in my accomplishment, even though it seemed like for-EVER until I'd get my degree. Baby steps.
hugs to you.