The Fear [View all]
The shock and numbness has subsided, now I have "The Fear". What the hell am I thinking? I'll be 50 years old next Tuesday and I'm packing up and moving to another state. I'm broke, have three soon-to-be homeless cats, no job lined up...I'm fucking scared to death.
Last nite, after finishing packing up the bedroom I decided to take a break. Bad idea. Breaks mean your mind has a chance to do its own thing. It decided to go into full panic mode. I was all alone, watching something useless on TV and I started shaking.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I can't tell my "RL" friends any of this. They'd worry too much and start showing up at my door. What's worse than being terrified alone? Having social anxiety and people showing up at your door. People who love you and make you cry. Fuck that. I feel safe telling you people. Y'know...just in case I go off the deep end and I need character witnesses or sumthin'. Plus, unlike the people that know me, you won't feel the need to endlessly tell me what a strong and independent woman I am. Like that matters in a situation like this. Strong and independent women still have nervous breakdowns.
Love you all. You're a special little group of misfits.
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