Literature, advice for family members coming to terms with a gay son

[Fearless]

3. "I resolved to no longer leave who I consider my life partner out of family events." +10000!

(I'm a bit better in the advice area than the others so I hope there are others out there who can speak to the others.)

I'm in somewhat the same boat, except it is my parents who don't accept my partner but my brother and sister do. I am also in my mid 20's and my boyfriend and I have been dating just under two years. And we love each other like crazy!

Anywho, good for you! Your sister's beliefs should NEVER hurt your happiness. Period. It's your life and your love and your partner. Not hers.

Personally I'm a little bit of the hothead when it comes to my boyfriend not being invited or talked about etc. in conversation with me. Having not been really exposed to him, all my parents understood about "the gays" were stereotypes... dark soulless caricatures of what what real relationship material gay guys are (and I don't mean to sidestep those who are not "relationship gays" who may be reading, but the OP is talking about a relationship).

I like to think of my parent's ignorance about "the gays" as equal to being afraid of the dark... its the not knowing... the shadows... the bump in the night, that drives your mind to be afraid of the dark. The same is true with GLBTQ people as it is with being afraid of the dark, except that people, like your sister and my parents, also have people whispering thoughts to them (by upbringing) that trigger negative thoughts about "the gays" and create wildly untrue caricatures of what "the gays" are.

It is my opinion that she is fearing the worst and not realizing the myriad of good that your boyfriend is clearly doing in your life. IF she is generally accepting of new ideas and open to them in general (not necessarily the gay topic) then I would suggest that you kind of give her a little nudge...

Talk about him. Talk. Talk. Talk. Not necessarily JUST about him or even just to her... but include him when relevant in every conversation with everyone including her.

{"....Oh how was your weekend Dad?"

"...Not bad your mother and I... How was yours?"

"Good... "John" and I when skiing... we had lots of fun..."}

The inclusion of "we" and "us" is necessary. It provides a simple reminder, sharp at first, but increasingly dull, that you both are together.

Don't be obvious...

{"Well MY PARTNER DAVID B. KERFLUFFLE THE THIRD and I went skiing..."}

...But, don't shy away. If she responds poorly, just let her. Bite your tongue and don't judge her. But don't change your approach. Your partner is part of your life and don't hide that. Hiding will HURT your relationship with him in a lot of ways.

At the same time, since your dad is good with it... focus on him! Get your dad and your partner together, eat out, find a common interest even if it's just politics or the weather or baseball or whatever. The best thing you can do is strengthen your allies! Get your dad firmly on your side. Then when conversations come up, he'll end up talking about your boyfriend too. Possibly about the fun they had together. He'll also inevitably help with your mom. She will be more comfortable with it if she sees him comfortable with it. And if your sister shouts at your dad... big deal. Psychologically that hardens his support for you.

Bring friends into it too. If you and your sister are out with your friends or you are all in the same place say for the holidays or something, talk about your boyfriend in front of her to your friends. Show her by example that it's ok. That no one else seems to care that you have a boyfriend. Peer pressure and family pressure are the best tools you have. Forget yelling. That builds walls and pushes her away.

And most of all... take your time. It won't fix itself in one day or one week or maybe even one year. It's a process. Don't push too hard, but build your allies and hopefully she will crumble under them eventually.

A word of warning though. She will not change her mind by this technique if she respects someone who is homophobic more than your family or you or your friends etc. She will in that instance side with that person or those people. You can't make her choose whose opinion to value and you should not try.

No promises. In the very least though, you'll strengthen your relationships with your parents and your partner and that is a very good thing too. And really, kudos on finding a keeper... that's really most of the battle. The rest are just skirmishes.


Oh and PS... in regards to the bringing the partner to the graduation... very tough call. You don't want to push too hard on this if it's soon in my opinion. The worst thing that could very well happen is that your parents blame you for "ruining" her day. And that would push back the acceptance of your partner quite a ways. It's your call though.