This may be it

[OldBaldy1701E]

39. UPDATE for those who might be interested.

It is difficult to remember everything that everyone has said here, so I will try to address it here and if I forget any of it, I will reply to the individual post. Firstly, I wish to point out that I do not feel alone. I do not think I am alone. What I am is done. I tried to have a life. I tried to have a career. Hell, I tried to have four different ones! All failed. All were a waste of time. Not for the others who profited from my efforts, but a waste of my time as I was seldom barely able to even survive. Am I bad with money? Of course. When one has no interest in it, and in fact feels it is part of the problem, one tends to not worry about that little green piece of paper. (Which makes me an atheist in more ways than one. I don't worship the 'green' god, so...) Doesn't matter. The game is rigged and regardless of the amounts I might make, I cannot have the life I wanted. Why bother when there is no hope for the life you wanted? Why bother when you tried for decades to make it happen, just to keep on failing?

Secondly, I will not do a gofundme or anything like that. I am not going to beg. I begged plenty over the years and it was demeaning and ultimately pointless. Being given a penny (and only a penny) when you need a dollar is insulting. I would rather the person shoot me than do that. It would be far more help than the penny. I started working when I was 12 years old. I PAID INTO AN ACCOUNT THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF ME WHEN THIS SHIT HAPPENED. I went through three years with an attorney to try and get it. NO DICE. I am not talking about filling out some papers and then sitting by the phone. I am talking three years of phone calls to the attorney, paperwork, denials and appeals, more paperwork, and finally a judge. He ruled no. I should have walked out of that building and blown my fucking head off on the sidewalk and then he might have seen the reality of the situation. But, I am a coward through and through. I cannot even take control of my own life for the moment it would take to end it. How pathetic is that? Also, we got tricked because we were led to believe that the person we moved in with was an adult, since he is around my age. He is a spoiled little rich boy. (Why he doesn't live in Edina I will never know.) We were led to believe that there were opportunities here that just do not exist. We were led to believe that there were things that I might be able to involve myself with. Nope. People around here are too stuck up to bother with new people. (I have had people literally run from me. This was before I had even walked in their direction. They looked, grabbed their little dogs, and ran away. Don't ask me why. I have no earthly idea. Judging from the reaction, one might surmise that freaking Thanos had landed in that park. I am sorry if I offend any Minnesotans here, but this is what I have dealt with since moving. As an astute person (not from here) once told me, "A Minnesotan will give you directions to anywhere but their house." It has proven to be so very true.)

Thirdly, I have tried all the 'hotlines' and 'help lines' and whatever. I have gone to the 'county' in three states for help, and each one was a disaster. Plenty of pills that rewired my head (and not in a good way) but no one to talk to. The one time I did get someone, he spent the first two sessions trying to convince me to go out and get a job so I could go to his private practice and pay him to do what he was supposed to be doing at that very moment. It was during the third one that I stood up, cussed him out, and left. That was 22 years ago.) Again, those are just 'feel good' spectacles so that the wealthy can feel as if they are 'doing something' while they step over our bodies to go into Neiman-Marcus. It is all a game. And, I am fucking tired of games. Thanks to being stupid and not putting my foot down, we are now in a situation where we live in a house with the owner. He is wealthy. Whenever you apply for aid of any kind, they ask about the household income. They specifically say everyone in the house, regardless of whether or not they are part of the application. We cannot move. We cannot get aid. I have nothing worth anything to anyone.

Lastly, regardless of where anyone stands on the issue, this country is about to fall into a mess. Social programs that were inadequate before are going to be nonexistent. The help I need is barely available (and only to some) as it is. Those things are going to dry up shortly. And, there are others who need help who would be a far better investment. It is reality. There was a time when I had a pair of rose-colored glasses. They broke long ago. I have nothing left to give. If anyone were to observe me for any length of time, you would see that this is the truth. This vehicle situation is just the latest in a lifetime of disasters. Now I sit here wishing I had been braver when I was a teen. Then, all this would not have happened. All the damage I have done in my life would not have happened. (I never wanted to damage anything. But, when one is cursed to failure as I am, it happens... regardless of what I may or may not have wanted.) As that movie line goes, "Are you a fighter, or are you food?" Well, I am food now. I probably always was, I was just too brainwashed to see it.

"Life is but a walking shadow. A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard... no more. It is a tale told by an idiot. Full of sound and fury... signifying nothing."