This may be it

[TigressDem]

77. The only way I keep from killing myself is... I procrastinate my way out of it.

Yeah, it's always an option. Ironically, a comforting thought in a way. Especially when someone close to me has pissed me off.

Like tonight. I even told my husband if he found me with a tailpipe in my mouth, he'd know why. But it was a stupid fight. Aren't they all?

My body has been hurting all day. I've been taking care of relatives who are older than me and actually possibly could die from their ailments. In one way, it makes me more hopeful. But I live in Minnesota too and it's too f***ing cold in my basement apartment. I have had one of those days where it seems like I am the one who has to do everything even though I can barely stand up straight due to the pain.

By the end of the day I'm still trying to not be the assho*** that is jumping up and down in my brain about every stupid thing after the other. My husband talks about dinner, I go to fix something simple and he's doing things on his side of the area and asks me for a water bottle he put in the freezer to get cold. I have my hands in food, so I tell him it will have to wait, but within 90 seconds I have the water for him and back to making dinner.

Then he tells me never mind about the water and he's not hungry. Me either. But I eat anyway and go play solitaire so I can win at something. The universe blesses me with 2 wins so I come on DU to hold myself accountable for feeling this way so I can let it go.

Then I see your thread and realize you are suffering so much more than I am and have pulled yourself through day by day and I am glad for your survival.

All the sudden it doesn't feel about me any more and I can let go and recharge for round umpty eleven and do it again tomorrow.

So thanks for your honesty. It helped you and me.

There's always at least 500 things to do before using your final option. AND along the way you might change your mind, so why not?

Also did not read all the posts, but have you checked with Auto Technical to see if you qualify for a refurbished car? Maybe even if you are above income guideline they can take your car as a donation, repair it and then you get a better tax credit as the value of the vehicle is after repair. http://autotechnical.org/


I lost my music too. I used to sing pretty well. Got a gig with a non-profit to sing at a New Year party for sober folks. 4,000-5,000 in the crowd at midnight and me singing Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All" was my highlight. Other stuff was all with choirs.

But I had migraines bad in my mid twenties and was moving things out of a 3rd floor apartment into a rental van. Lost track of how much aspirin I took and got tinnitus in my right ear. Sounds like a tuning fork that is wrong pitched to whatever you are singing. I gave up for a long time even trying to sing along in the car.

Then I watched a woman on America's Got Talent who went deaf and figured out how to sing again. Admittedly she was better to start with and quite the professional, but the agony for her.

Anyway. Not going to perform, but I enjoy singing along in the car again and you know what? With how f***ed up the world is and my life on any given day, if I can find one or two minutes of happiness in a day I am going to take it. May not keep me afloat, but for a moment I can feel the sun on my face and at least for that moment I have a little joy and I am not going to deny myself that because I can't have everything I want and/or need.


I hope you can find a good medication combo. It DOES make a difference. I can see that putting the brakes on negative thoughts is not happening for you right now. So much fun to be one's own worst enemy, I know.

I'm on Wellbutrin now, but I don't sleep well. Nearly killed myself off when I was on Wellbutrin with Zoloft and using St John's Wort. It made my periods more like 5 days of miscarriages. Nearly bled myself out. Lost my job just at the point they were going to help me get medical leave.

But I remember when I first had a medication combo work and I was riding the bus from Minneapolis into St Paul to work. Same old route I'd taken for almost a year, but all of the sudden it was like the grey film over my eyes was gone and I actually saw the world as others did.

Just knowing that the depression physically affected even my eyesight made me realize if it had a physical cause, I could work to remedy the physical aspect and do my best with the rest.

It's one hour, one minute at a time many days, but things can get better.

Then I get my turn in the blender again, but hey, everyone has stinking life problems and we just do our best to get through it and try to help others when we can.

Hope some things really start looking up for you. Sounds like you have had your turn in the blender long enough and deserve a break or 50.


Tigress