This may be it

[TigressDem]

79. You are welcome.

I do my best not to procrastinate, but with suicide I make an exception.

I also do things that I call "positive mind-f**s" So I have a bunch of things to do on the weekend and so little time I don't know where to start. I have a project I know I should be doing but instead I do a bunch of other things and then when I have several things checked off my list it seems I have energy for the actual project. So I am still doing something positive while I am allowing myself to rebel against my A list project.

I was never a professional musician but I did lose my "professional career of 20 years" and started working in warehouses to get some exercise and kept with it. There are days I think I'm a little daft, but 18 thousand steps feels so good. Even in that field I come up against female alphas who want to put me in my place or get me fired.

Not the kind of person anyone can put in her place. I spent my youth standing up to bullies in a heavy gang neighborhood in California. I basically made a bunch of truces where I was one of a select few that could be cool with several gangs without having to jump when they told me to. Had to get my ass kicked by groups of 10-20 and give some serious damage to most in the group to prove myself. They said, "You've been jumped into the gang. Now you're one of us." I told them, "No thanks. If I can beat the he** out of 20 of your people, what do I need you for?" So let it ride and we'll be cool. Non-interference on both our parts.

So losing a career? Not the worst thing that ever happened to me.

My first husband tried to kill me. I almost killed him back, but I stopped myself. He was drunk. I wasn't so I used my brain. There is something about knowing you CAN defend yourself that allows you to not HAVE to do it if there is another way. He went to jail that weekend, I moved back with my folks and after a long custody battle we got divorced. He married 2 times more after me and had 2 wives before me. Eventually, he had enough of himself and killed himself.

I found my current husband volunteering together for a mental health support group of all things. I didn't have a car in the beginning so he gave me rides to committee meetings and such. We "dated" for almost 10 years before we got married. I was a bit gun shy as you might imagine. He's not perfect, but he's a great upgrade. Every day he tells me he loves me. He'll put together breakfast for me and we do have great times together still after 30 years of being together.

Today he pissed me off a bit as he had the day off and calls me as I am driving home and asks me to look and see if the driveway needs shoveling so he can get to his massage appointment. He almost intimated that I should shovel it for him so he doesn't get sweaty. Um. He had all day if that was his concern. So I parked out front and I will need to shovel at least my side to get my car in as there is a 2 foot snow drift there. His side wasn't so bad.

I can focus on just the horrible parts of my life. Believe me, there is a lot. I am in the blender more often than not. But I also believe in JOY that is more spiritual than "happiness" is. Joy is the deep seated faith that there is good in the universe and even if I am having a whole lot of bad in my day, I can start it over and enjoy any particular part.

At my lowest the only thing I could appreciate was sunsets and some days sun rises. I figured if God took the trouble to set it up so each day was a unique art show like that, He might actually care about me like the Bible says. That tiny bit of faith brought me back.

I am not perfect. My son is an anti-vaxxer and lives with me. Upstairs with his whole family where it's warm. He's pissed off his wife and she went home to her folks, but ironically, they are still talking and it seems he's actually listening at times. Yesterday he told me I couldn't see the kids on Sunday because my husband has been trash talking about my son in front of his kids.

I told him that I would talk to my husband, and I did. But I also told him to examine himself and make sure he's just not setting up someone else to be a scapegoat as it's been a family dynamic I've noticed. AND I told him to understand that going forward it's going to be a "same rules apply" type of situation here. He can ask for this, but he also has to model that same behavior. This isn't just something WE have to do, but he needs to have the same rules as we do.

EDIT.... I forgot to say that I told my son if he kept the kids from me over my husband's behavior that I would rip out his (my son's) spine and beat him with it. (IE: why I said I'm not perfect.) He told me have fun trying, but then also said, he would still let me see the kids on my own in that case.

Before his wife left him he had completely stopped listening to me. Now every once in awhile I get through on one thing or another. So where I had completely given up, some little light happened and I'm glad about it.

Every day I have at least 4-5 situations that could totally push me under and there are moments it does. But I do have 30 years where I went to 12 Step meetings for the families of alcoholics that helped me keep my sanity. I haven't been since Covid, but I still have support people as well.

Mainly, I just try not to do any damage to myself. If other people do stupid stuff, I don't have to tolerate it or even if I tolerate it I can choose whether their stupid is my problem or not. But beating up on myself has proven to be the stupidest thing I do whenever I do it, so at least I stop that when I can.

All these thoughts you have about yourself being a failed entertainer or having your name on the blender are thoughts you are imprisoning yourself with. Good news is because you are your own jailer, you have the key and can let yourself out for an hour or so to enjoy something, anything. You can choose to go back in there, but once you realize you CAN leave those thoughts behind it will happen eventually that you choose to.

I like "Morning Pages" where you write whatever crap is in your head and then leave it on the page and think different thoughts. It's how a lot of creative people push through the garbage blocking their flow and move on with their day.

I've gone on walks collecting stones to symbolize the pain I am facing and carry it from the waterfall to the river and toss them when I get to the river to make myself feel the pain and the release.

There is no perfect answer for everyone, but everyone can make little changes that at least give a bit of respite for a small time. If those times begin to add up and something does work then hey, it's good.

I asked this manager if they could turn the heat down and they did for one day. Today it was back up and though I am sure people in the office think 70 degrees is plenty cool, I am running my ass off all day and am dripping sweat so even 68 is a relief. I thought, I am going to have to ask on a daily basis or tell them I will have to quit. Because if it's like this in the middle of winter how hot will it be when it isn't 9 degrees outside? I could stroke out. It made me despair that I would "have to do that".

Then I thought to myself, but I can be that awful old granny that asks every day until they cave in and then every day after that if they forget. Why not? Who am I trying to impress? I just gotta be able to work without melting into a puddle.

If I don't ask, the answer is automatically NO. So what do I lose if I ask? Not much.

Anyway, just some thoughts and commiserations. Life does suck a lot, but sometimes it doesn't.


Stay strong.

Tigress.