This may be it

[OldBaldy1701E]

80. It sounds as if you are doing way better than I am.

I have nothing left. It is not a matter of figuring out what to do, it is finding the energy to even consider anything to do. I want this to end. I will never be free of the pain and it is only going to get worse. I am done. I had my shot. I failed. Oh well. Time to make room for someone who might do better than I ever did. I am just wasting space and taking up resources that should go to someone who can make a difference. I did not and I will not. So, why bother? You see my dilemma. I have performed in front of thousands... and yet I sit here with nothing. I have done so many benefits, fundraisers, etc.. Not because I expected anything in return, but because it was the right thing to do. Since no one has done this for me, I guess I am not the 'right thing'. Which is fine, now. All I want is to go back to the coast and die on the beach. But, I cannot because I have no car and no way to get one, and I can barely walk. So, I am trying to decide whether or not I can go out and just freeze to death. I hear that is rather pleasant once you get past the first part of it. I can't take things anymore. I can't handle being out of the house anymore. I hate this house. I want to be out of it. Yet, I panic and get all snippy and combative when I leave it. I know my husband is so over me. I am just dragging him down with me. I can't take much more of this. Something is going to give. I wish it would be me. Soon.

So, I have put out some feelers for trying to make another claim to Social Security. It isn't going to work. And, when they turn me down a second time, that might get things rolling. I guess I will have to wait and see. But, I can't wait for too long... because I just can't take it anymore.