Yes, and when you try and throw a private degradation-of-black-people party between just you and me, you're assuming that saying racially oppressive things is both less oppressive when you do it in private and also something I think is cool and fun. Neither are true.
My impression is that cis-men make these kinds of comments to me with the intention of establishing camaraderie, bringing me into the fold. I think it's an impulse towards some weird version of intimacy--establishing our common reality as "men." Unfortunately, the reality described (and produced) by the above comments is not the one I live in. I say "produced" because, for the same reason that saying n*gger in private amongst white people creates enduring racism, making these kinds of disgusting comments about women amongst "just men" (which, as a category, is less coherent when I'm included) creates enduring sexism. Our words become our thoughts, which become our habits.
In almost all the examples above, I was too cowardly to speak up against the offending commenters. I was scared of outing myself as trans, and also scared of how these men would react if I rejected what I think amounts to a bizarro form of hospitality - an invitation into the clubhouse.
That's not ok, and this is my commitment to change my behavior. We all need to make a commitment not to tacitly condone these private oppressive rituals of maleness, whether as trans men, as cis-men, as women, and everyone else. Yes, I have roots as a female-bodied and female-identified person, but you don't need to have history as a woman to respect women.
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understanding that it is a way of male camaraderie, that is exactly why he was too cowardly to stand up. and why many men dont. they feel that if internally they dont agree, or are even bothered, then they are not a part. but the silence allows the continual cycle.
good article.
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