REAL BOYS by WILLIAM POLLACK, PH.D. [View all]

[seabeyond]

Many years ago, when I began my research into boys, I had assumed that since America was revising its ideas about girls and women, it must have also been reevaluating its traditional ideas about boys, men, and masculinity. But over the years my research findings have shown that as far as boys today are concerned, the old Boy Code--the outdated and constricting assumptions, models, and rules about boys that our society has used since the nineteenth century--is still operating in force. I have been surprised to find that even in the most progressive schools and the most politically correct communities in every part of the country and in families of all types, the Boy Code continues to affect the behavior of all of us--the boys themselves, their parents, their teachers, and society as a whole. None of us is immune--it is so ingrained. I have caught myself behaving in accordance with the code, despite my awareness of its falseness--denying sometimes that I'm emotionally in pain when in fact I am; insisting that everything is all right, when it is not.

*

The boys we care for, much like the girls we cherish, often seem to feel they must live semi-inauthentic lives, lives that conceal much of their true selves and feelings, and studies show they do so in order to fit in and be loved. The boys I see--in the "Listening to Boys' Voices" study, in schools, and in private practice--often are hiding not only a wide range of their feelings but also some of their creativity and originality, showing in effect only a handful of primary colors rather than a broad spectrum of colors and hues of the self. The Boy Code is so strong, yet so subtle, in its influence that boys may not even know they are living their lives in accordance with it. In fact, they may not realize there is such a thing until they violate the code in some way or try to ignore it. When they do, however, society tends to let them know--swiftly and forcefully--in the form of a taunt by a sibling, a rebuke by a parent or a teacher, or ostracism by classmates.

*

The use of shame to "control" boys is pervasive; it is so corrosive I will devote a whole chapter to it in this book. Boys are made to feel shame over and over, in the midst of growing up, through what I call society's shame-hardening process. The idea is that a boy needs to be disciplined, toughened up, made to act like a "real man," be independent, keep the emotions in check. A boy is told that "big boys don't cry," that he shouldn't be "a mama's boy." If these things aren't said directly, these messages dominate in subtle ways in how boys are treated--and therefore how boys come to think of themselves. Shame is at the heart of how others behave toward boys on our playing fields, in schoolrooms, summer camps, and in our homes. A number of other societal factors contribute to this old-fashioned process of shame-hardening boys, and I'll have more to say about shame in the next chapter. The second reason we lose sight of the real boy behind a mask of masculinity, and ultimately lose the boy himself, is the premature separation of a boy from his mother and all things maternal at the beginning of school. Mothers are encouraged to separate from their sons, and the act of forced separation is so common that it is generally considered to be "normal." But I have come to understand that this forcing of early separation is so acutely hurtful to boys that it can only be called a trauma--an emotional blow of damaging proportions. I also believe that it is an unnecessary trauma. Boys, like girls, will separate very naturally from their mothers, if allowed to do so at their own pace.

*

Until now, many boys have been able to live out and express only half of their emotional lives--they feel free to show their "heroic," tough, action-oriented side, their physical prowess, as well as their anger and rage. What the Boy Code dictates is that they should suppress all other emotions and cover up the more gentle, caring, vulnerable sides of themselves. In the "Listening to Boys' Voices" study, many boys told me that they feel frightened and yearn to make a connection but can't. "At school, and even most times with my parents," one boy explained, "you can't act like you're a weakling. If you start acting scared or freaking out like a crybaby, my parents get mad, other kids punch you out or just tell you to shut up and cut it out." One mother told me what she expected of her nine-year-old son. "I don't mind it when Tony complains a little bit," she said, "but if he starts getting really teary-eyed and whiny I tell him to just put a lid on it. It's for his own good because if the other boys in the area hear him crying, they'll make it tough for him. Plus, his father really hates that kind of thing!" Boys suppress feelings of rejection and loss also. One sixteen-year-old boy was told by his first girlfriend, after months of going together, that she didn't love him anymore. "You feel sick," confessed Cam. "But you just keep it inside. You don't tell anybody about it. And, then, maybe after a while, it just sort of goes away."

http://www.nytimes.com/books/first/p/pollack-boys.html
_________________________

i ran into this googling. i had forgotten about it. years ago i bought this book to read, but my 8, 9 yr old son ended up with it. he was slim, articulate, glasses, smart/academic, joyous, (not the "real boy" image) and this book ended up in the bathroom, lol, for him to pick up and read over the years. i am lucky with this son. he comes to me and shares what he is feeling, thinking, experiencing and how he is interpreting things. he makes my job easy. he has never wanted me to do for him. but, he has allowed me along for the ride to see his progression in growing up. who he is and how he thinks.

for both my sons, this book has sat around visibly, allowing them to consume what they felt they needed. it is a very good book. just putting it out there for other mothers of sons.

i can remember in middle school PTA. middle school, a time when my son was having such a tough emotional time with the manning up, societal pressure and puberty. in the PTA meeting they were getting a program together to help the girls understand what they were feeling, discuss the changes within during puberty, and the emotional struggles of their age. i asked what about a program for the boys. that this sounded like an excellent idea. i could see a strong male personality helping my son with who he is and how to handle the issues he was experiencing.

i was totally shot down by a handful of women. boys are laid back. they arent emotional. they dont have issues. ect.... i told them, what world do you live in. i have a son and i am watching it all. wow.