Stephen Colbert - Monologue and Opening - 1/8/2026

[gfarber]

5. Submission Is Safety

There once was a man named Don T.,
Who shouted, “Obey, or you’re free—
To vanish, depart,
Play your mandated part,
Or face what we call authority.”

Stephen Miller, quite pale and severe,
Whispered, “Submission is safety, my dear.”
“If you hesitate twice,
You’re the cause of your vice—
Noncompliance explains why you’re not here.”

Kristi Noem struck a law-and-order pose,
With a smile that grew colder than snows.
“Just follow commands,
Keep your life in our hands—
It’s amazing how peaceful that goes.”

J.D. Vance nodded grimly on cue,
Said, “This is what patriots do.
When the badge gives direction,
Life’s a conditional section—
You live if we say that you do.”

Pam Bondi declared on the air,
“We’re shocked anyone finds this unfair.
If you died, it’s quite plain
You resisted again—
Responsibility starts over there.”

Said Colbert, “The message is clear:
It’s ‘Obey, or you disappear.’
And if you’re erased,
They’ll insist you misplaced
Your chance to keep breathing this year.”

Kimmel sighed, “Once truth had a seat.
Now lies wear a badge and repeat:
‘You flaunted the laws,
If you’re dead, you’re the cause—
Please applaud as we shuffle our feet.’”

Michelle Goldberg read posts with alarm,
At the giddy, authoritarian charm:
A state built on fear,
Where compliance is dear,
And submission’s the only safe form.

Jasmine Crockett wept, steady, then spoke:
“A child lost her mother—no joke.
If this murder stands tall,
We’ll protest once more, y’all—
Justice dies when the people stay broke.”

So remember this lesson they teach,
From the lectern to cable-news speech:
Life’s a favor they lend,
Not a right to defend—
And dissent’s something bullets can breach.