July 27, 2025

To All My Caring DU Friends

First before I get started let me ask that I you have clicked on my post, PLEASE read the entire post and not just skim through it, so that you may fully understand my posting here. THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH!

I tried to commit suicide.

I have not been on here for a good while. Life has been difficult. I know I am new as a member but I've lurked here for years. DU has brought me much need support since joining. I've shared things about my life in my posts to let others get to know me and make friends. I've been keeping something secret and I am now ready to share it publicly because I feel there are people here who care. I share this with you all and ask only for your understanding and not to ask for pity.

When I joined DU, I needed an escape from all my burdens. I've always like how all of you expressed similar views about politics and supported each other. HERE IS MY LIFE::

As listed in my bio, I am recently widowed after 41 years of love with the most amazing man I've ever known in my entire life. He gave me unconditional love every day of our lives together. After Tommy's Stroke, which was the most severe stroke, Tommy recovered nearly 90-95%. It took 3 and a half years of hard work and therapy. Then he had terminal pancreatic cancer. We filed Chapter 13 bankruptcy in 2020. The cancer was finally diagnosed in Nov 2024. We gave up so much to make ends meet. Tommy started a GoFundMe to save our home for me. I tried all I could to raise the funds but I could not succeed it reaching it's goal.

I didn't want to mention the GoFundMe on this site because I was afraid that some people would believe that was the only reason I joined. I've seen so many others posting their GoFundMe but I felt I was unworthy of your support. I've closed Tommy's Dying Wish GoFundMe on July 13th after exhausting every avenue I could think of. Then I did something really stupid that I am ashamed of but I will not keep it secret. I'm simply tired of having to hide everything about us like we always had to do. I hope this may help others who may be in similar situations and offer them comfort and hope. I posted the following post on Facebook and wanted to share it here. Thank you.



""I tried to commit suicide. July 13th, I deactivated Tommy’s GoFundMe and walked into the kitchen, and I took Tommy’s 81 cancer pain pills. I knew immediately after doing so that it was wrong. I’m ashamed I allowed myself to fall into such deep despair. I immediately called my neighbor, who called 911. I was held in a mental ward until July 21st before being released.

I hope everyone will understand that I did it because I did not want to lose my home. I still want to keep my home. This is the last home I will ever live in. If I am forced to sell it, I will never have another home. Tommy and I lived here. We were so happy to have a retirement home. Tommy died here. Leaving here will be the end of the only home I will ever have.

I’m not sure where I will end up if I leave here but it will never be a real home, just a place to rent and live on what I can afford. The loss of Tommy and having no family of my own leaves me devastated. I know I must carry on and move forward and I will, but my future is filled with so much uncertainty. Having to get rid of nearly every possession we own just rips my heart out. Our entire life together, just thrown away. Hauled off like trash.

Social Security has still not allowed me my Survivor Benefits. I apply to every job opening I can think of that I can physically do. After contacting over 600 Churches and hundreds of organizations and charities and people, only one small church offered help. I found out that Churches only help their own members and would not even tell them about our GoFundMe for fear of losing money from their own coffers. I will never understand why it was so hard to get decent people to post the GoFundMe and share with others to help the cause Tommy created as he was dying. I am deeply grateful to everyone who did. I really did all I could and failed.

I really am doing the best I can. I’m ashamed of my suicide attempt but I will not keep it a secret. Other people need to hear my story so it might give them encouragement to survive and not do what I did.

All I want to do is stay in my home. We had to give up our life insurance policies after Tommy’s stroke in 2019 to make ends meet, thinking we would just add them back on after the bankruptcy. We never expected Terminal Pancreatic Cancer. If you do not have life insurance and mortgage insurance, get them. If you have them, never give them up! That one mistake has cost me EVERYTHING. Don’t let this happen to your family.

Thank you all for reading. I will keep our true friends updated as I move forward. I am so sorry for what I did, and I hope you will forgive my desperation.

PLEASE, if you send me a private message or call me, please know that I need a little time to cope so I may not be able to respond. I am dealing with so much right now. I do love you all and I am grateful beyond measure for your support. Thank you.""


May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy and LOVED
Reis, Tommy’s Loving Husband

July 6, 2025

My emotions have been all over the place this last week

Actually, my emotions have been all over the place since Tommy's passing on Jan 1st this year.

I would like to share with you a bit of our lives with you in honor of My Tommy. I am so proud of the man he was. I am so honored he asked me share our lives together, 41 years ago. I shared this on another social site because nearly all of Tommy's associates of the last five decades are there. I wanted to share it you guys too.

I share this hoping you might see who we were. I've found some really nice people here on DU who I get to chat with when I have the chance to sign on. It's quite the long read so I won't be offended if you see it's length then click off the page. There is nothing written here but a glimpse into our lives. As I said my emotions are running wild right now because something in my life is happening now and I am not sure what the outcome will be in the next few months but it's approaching much faster than I had hoped for. I don't mean to be secretive but I don't want pity.

Thank you for being kind. If you read, I hope you will enjoy. I love talking about My Tommy!
Reis

Tommy, his career and his secret life.

I’m every bit of a part of Tommy’s career. After 9/11, Tommy had been more affected by it than anyone knew. We did not personally know anyone who died that day. But the impact of how so many people died by an act of war in our own country, hit Tommy like nothing else. I remember that day and how he called me and wanted to come home immediately, but he felt it was important to the company that he stay at work. That night I remember how tight he held me in his arms the second he walked through the door. He cried, told me how much he worried about me all day and I thought he was never going to release me from his embrace.

A few weeks later, Tommy asked me to quit working and walk away from my career. He said we spent far too many hours apart because I worked late and most weekends and we never got to see each other very much. He was worried about additional attacks and how if something were to happen in Charlotte, we should be prepared. He had me pack supplies and clothes to always keep in the foyer and if something should happen, where were we to meet to leave town. Tommy stayed in a state of anxiety that he hid from other people for years.

Tommy asked me to quit and stay home, and I did. Anything Tommy asked me, I did. I had always been the caregiver of our family and took my new role for our family very seriously. Even when I worked, I would lay out Tommy’s clothes for the next morning for his work. I prepared his breakfast every morning even though he always left before I did. I became a very dedicated house husband. I must admit, I loved it!

Then came more interaction with Tommy’s work. Tommy took me to lunch every day at 11 am for the nearly two decades. I would meet him or pick him up at the office. I always kept my head down in the parking lot. If anyone from Tommy’s office showed up where we ate, I would soon get up and leave before Tommy did. If we ran into co-workers on weekends, I would keep walking while he stopped to talk with them. I always waited just out of sight until he joined me again. We always had to hide who we truly were. A family. A family of our own, in love. We grew up in a different world. A world where you could lose your job for being gay. I would not allow Tommy to lose his career because of me. Tommy would say, “Reis, if it happens, it happens. Don’t walk away.” And I always replied, “I am not going to be the reason you lose your job” So, that’s why we had to hide who we were.

He wanted me to go to after hour parties and holiday parties and I would say “NO!” So, he normally did not go to them. Some people can be very cruel and so willingly use that against him to advance their career. He did know of a few people at work who made snide remarks and played office politics, thinking they were being clever, but Tommy always knew their words were to degrade him. He never retaliated or showed it bothered him, because Tommy was the world’s most decent man. Other than homophobes, no one could say a bad word about Tommy, and I was damned if I was going to be the reason he lost his job.

When we finally earned our basic human, civil right to marry, Tommy wanted to bolt to the courthouse. I said “NO! It’s too soon. Give people the time to get use to us having our civil rights.” After appeasing me for a few years, Tommy had had enough and said “We’re getting married. You are never to walk away from me in public again! And get use to me introducing you as my husband!” He meant it and we married, just the way he wanted. Court House, Gay Best Men, Private. The only thing I really got to decide was our suits and our Honeymoon, which we both knew would be at the Biltmore, in Asheville. The very first place he took me, three weeks after we met in 1984.

This was the life we had to lead back then. After becoming a stay-at-home spouse (though we were not legally married back then), after 9/11. I became even more involved with Tommy’s work even though most of you who worked with Tommy never knew. I bought the birthday cards and cakes, the holiday gifts and gift certificates. I kept up with associates’ birthdays, marriages, birth of children, promotions, kids’ graduations. I would tell Tommy what to write on those cards, and what was and wasn’t appropriate as a gift for each occasion. I knew about the inter-office activities, company policies, HR, and everything you could think of. If Tommy knew it, so did I, because I supported his career and his every decision.

Tommy had a deadline to meet and one of his co-workers was out sick for several days. (Mind you Tommy NEVER called his employees an employee, he called them co-workers and associates) Tommy brought home plan-o-grams and taught me to make the strips for the shelves and other things in the store packets. I worked all morning, gave them to him at lunch and he gave me more. That night he brought home the rest, and we worked until nearly midnight together, getting most of it done. Tommy said he would get up early and into the office and finish it because it was due at the printers by the afternoon so the 1000s of monthly packets would go out to the stores on time. Tommy could sleep through a hail storm the minute his head would hit the pillow. As soon as I knew he was asleep, I got up and started a pot of coffee and finished it all by the time he got up at 4am. He was grateful. I told him not to expect me for lunch and after fixing his breakfast and laying out his clothes for work, I went to bed. Tommy woke me up just after 11am, he brought home lunch for me. That’s how Tommy and I always were with each other. Sacrificing and unconditional love for each other.

So, you see, I was every bit a part of Tommy's career as his company was. I’m proud of it!

After he asked me to quit working, I kept up with everything for our home and I became a part of his career. Our lives became intertwined even more and we loved it. And yet, we had to keep it a secret. Isn’t that unbelievable now, in this day and age? When all we wanted was to shout from the highest mountain our love for each other!

Tommy would joke and ask me “When should I tell the office you’re on payroll?” and I always replied, “When the office can afford to pay me more than they pay you!”. We would just laugh! We loved our life together!

I hope I was able to share with those of you who worked with Tommy more about the amazing man he truly was. I am so proud of My Tommy!

May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy AND LOVED!
Reis, Tommy’s Proud and Loving Husband

July 6, 2025

How Can I...

How Can I…

How can I stand to look at a man
whose beauty is so rare?

To look in his eyes to find the surprise
of love waiting for me there.

I have nothing to offer but empty coffers
And a world plowed with despair.

I blush that I might, think he is right,
I am worth all that is fair.

Am I so jaded from a world so faded,
I am blinded by the news?

He thinks of me, something I cannot see,
his heart, his heaven, his muse.



(Written for My Tommy in 2008. Through our 41 years together I've written so many love letters and poems to him. He was my muse and the most loving, gentle, humble and hardworking man I've ever known. A true family man. I was the fortunate one. On Jan 28, 1984, he took me in his arms and gave me love and life. On Jan 1st, 2025, I held in him in my arms as he took his last breath and took all my love with him. He will forever be the only love I've ever known in this world.)

June 12, 2025

A Marginalized People

HAPPY PRIDE, EVERYONE!

I would like to share with all of you something I shared on 2 other sites. I talked about our involvement with Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights in 1987. Tommy and I went because we wanted the right to marry. We received an education that day that led to our activism. That very day we became aware that we were there for so much more than just marriage equality and we NEVER forgot it! So I have very deep and emotional feelings about PRIDE.

I am sharing this with you not for vanity or a pat on the back. I want to share with you Tommy's and My very deep respect for PRIDE and it's proud history and it's hopeful future! I want to share with you our passion!

This is something I wrote and said in a video. Here is a snippet:

"There is a reason we have a Rainbow Umbrella. We proudly hold that umbrella to shield all. And if we cannot shield all, we put down that umbrella and we lock arms and we weather the storms together until we all stand under the rainbow. And when I say ALL, let me tell you who we are as a marginalized people. We have been here since the beginning of humanity. We are of every continent of the world. We speak every language. We are of every religion and every non-religious groups. We are of every skin tone, every culture and YES, we are every gender! Our transgender brothers and sisters are our family! We shield ALL or we lock arms and weather the storms together until we ALL stand under the rainbow together..."

PRIDE has meant so much to us! We have not been able to attend any PRIDE events in the last 6 years since Tommy's stroke and then diagnosis of terminal pancreatic cancer. Tommy passed away Jan 1st 2025, this year. I will not be attending PRIDE. We use to travel to PRIDE events in different cities and states throughout the year. Maybe one day I will began again, but not now. I suffer too much grief from the loss of a great man I had the honor of being his husband and will be forever grateful he was my husband. We were unstoppable force then.

So in memory of our life together I share our passion in written word and in video and I share with you in his honor. My Tommy would be so humbled and happy I did this for him!

Thank you all for reading and letting me share this!

May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy, AND LOVED!
May You Always Hold A Presence With Your Loved Ones Every Day, That May Become The Blessing Of A Future Memory. (Like the one I just shared with you!)
HAPPY PRIDE, EVERYONE!
Reis, Tommy's Proud and Loving Husband of 41 Years!

May 26, 2025

I ponder, "Whose to say..."

I keep reading and hearing of these ICE arrest. I see these guys, with their faces covered, dragging and handcuffing people who then disappear. My question is how do we know they are ICE? Seriously! How do we know they aren't a bunch of white nationalist, KKK, dressing in ICE DRAG and doing the unthinkable? It's happened before. We all know of news articles and videos where law enforcement has been imitated and crimes committed.

I am afraid that some of these "arrest" may not be what we are lead to believe. Nazi's did it. KKK did it. Whose to say, in this era of distrust, that we are seeing an actual ICE raid?

Why should they not have to show up with a bare face official who will be held accountable should something be deemed criminal?

Whose to say everything we read and see is actually real deal in these cases?

Any thoughts? I welcome them!

May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy....AND LOVED!
Reis

May 25, 2025

My Experience with the LGBTQ+ Activism

I wanted to post this here because I think sometimes, we all need a reminder from time to time to renew our souls and purpose for why we battle and struggle in these uncertain times. There are so many issues involved for the LGBTQ+ that many folks may think are separate, but they really aren’t. They are all about human rights. There’s a reason for a RAINBOW UMBRELLA, if we can’t shield all then we must all stand in the storm together if we are to survive. I don’t want to come across as too maudlin in this post, but I must give warning that what you are about to read may be upsetting to some. I don’t mean it to be because it’s very emotional for me as well.

I keep Tommy’s Facebook Active for several reasons and today a question was asked in a group I joined. The question: “How were you affected by the AIDS crisis in the eighties? I have to tell you, The number of replies were staggering!

This was my reply.

“Dear Gay Men's Life After 60, What a truly deeply emotional question to ask! God Bless YOU! Sometime people need reminding! Tommy and I lost many friends back then and on into the early 90's. We marched on DC and Reagan in 87. We saw the AIDS MEMORIAL QUILT on its first public display. The mood and sights there were such unity that I've never seen since. We may be old, and some no longer among us BUT as I always say, "We were young once. We marched on Reagan in '87. We made a difference for equality hoping today's younger generation will never have to experience the hatred we fought!" People sometimes forget when they look at those photos of the 80's and farther back to Stonewall and throughout history that the young people in those photos are some of the elders of LGBTQ+ among them still. Thank you for asking for our heartfelt memories! May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy........AND LOVED! Reis, Tommy's Loving Husband of 41 Years! ”

Then the OP replied to me that he thought it was a good question to ask among our age group, and this was my response to that.

“You are on spot! The things I clearly remember would bring you to tears! Example, there was a mother by a quilt with a photo of her son. She told us all about him. SO HANDSOME, like a movie star! People gathered around her and listened, and we cried. Then someone started a line and we each hugged her. I still cry to this day about that. Then as we walked along the Quilt, the audible sounds of moans and crying were sobering! I still get chills. There was love there too that day and smiles and hearing people asking," Did you know him?" ......I can't write anymore right now; I'm getting too emotional. Thank you for allowing us to share! May You Be Healthy, Safe and Happy.......AND LOVED! Reis, Tommys' Loving Husband! ”

My hope in posting in this forum is that younger members here and allies will see a perspective from someone (Tommy and Me) who were activist back then and as I said in my response “We were young once…” We really did make a difference though seemingly small to some it was a much harsher time; I assure you! I want younger people to never experience the level of hate, shame and anger that was thrusted upon us. In this day of uncertainty, under this regime, I fear they may! I cry for them. I do, truly!

Thank you for reading!
May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy……AND LOVED!
Reis, Tommy’s Proud and Loving Husband of 41 years!

(and YES, you are going to see me post that “sign off” a lot because I do love My Tommy and I am so proud of him and our 41 years together!)

May 24, 2025

Making a Request

Hi Folks!

If you guys don't mind, I would like to make a request. (sort of a PSA) My hope and request is that if you are not in the habit of taking photos of your loved ones or maybe making little videos of them, that you start. Make it become a habit as often as possible. Even just to record the mundane things that happen with your loved ones. Your husband, wife, kids, parents and everyone you love.

When someone encouraged me to record Tommy saying "I love you!", I didn't realize I had never done that. When I tried, Tommy said he didn't want me to play it and remember how sick he sounded because he was dying and his voice was so weak. He did a lot of things to make sure I remembered him as he use to be, healthy, loving, always smiling and happy. I wish you folks had known him. He truly was an incredible, humble and caring man!

So I am asking you guys to do this for YOU! Something that I regret never having done. Especially you folks in Photography Forum. You guys are great and should be doing it more than most, you guys are so talented! You will be so happy you did!

As I have a habit of repeating in different ways from time to time, "Hold a Presence with your loved ones every day that may become the blessing of a future memory!"

Just a reminder and request from my heart to yours!

Thank you, truly!

May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy.......AND LOVED!
Reis, Tommy's Proud and Loving Husband.

April 25, 2025

Shut It Out

I'm new to this forum so be gentle! I used to write as a hobby, when I was younger. Poems, stories, simple stuff. I wrote this poem for My Tommy back in 2008. He was my muse for many things. I hope you like it! May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy!


Shut It Out! (4-28-2008)

Shut it out!
The darkness that blots upon the light
My happiness blooms pastel petals
My heart thrives in the garden

Shut it out!
The cold that creeps in to deceive
My life is warm and spirited
My soul shines a thousand suns

Shut it out!
The silence that deafens laughter
My breath exhales sweet notes
My song plays symphonies upon open smiles

Shut it out!
The wickedness that clutches despair
My dance prances around hope
My movements are in sync

Shut it out!
The ache that wrenches rest
My mind drifts lightly into slumber
My dreams are quick to soothe

Shut it out!
The misery that halts happy guests
My loved ones are protected
My door closes before it, leaving it alone and forgotten, empty without a meal.

Shut it out!

April 14, 2025

Holding a Presence

You guys know I'm new and I'm never sure where I should post my stuff so I am posting here in DU Lounge. If it's not right, let me know and the next time I sign in I will move or remove it. Thank you!!

I posted this on another social media today but it just feels right to share it with you folks because I feel a connection all of you.

Holding a Presence

“Be mindful to Hold a Presence with your loved ones every day that may become the blessing of a future memory!”

During this Holiday Season of Passover and Easter, many families and friends will gather. No matter what Religious Holiday you celebrate this Spring or any gatherings you share throughout the year, make each memorable.

Holding a Presence is something that I mentioned in the Christmas Update I made while Tommy was alive. I will never have another moment to share with Tommy to make memories, but you have that opportunity that may be your last chance to create a precious memory with your loved ones.

Holding a Presence is something I tell people more often now than I use to. It’s my way of wishing them love in their lives, of sharing that love with others, of keeping those moments of love sacred and cherished when loved ones are gone.

During this Holiday Season and throughout the year, please take the time to embrace your loved ones a little longer than normal. Share kisses and smiles and laughter with them. Take in the sound of their voices, the warmth of their embrace. Gaze upon them a little longer and memorize their faces.

“Be mindful to Hold a Presence with your loved ones every day that may become the blessing of a future memory!”

Tommy loved when I would say that as well as “May You Be Healthy, Safe and Happy!” I’m not sure how many decades I’ve said these or how I even came about saying them. I do know I always asked in prayer to keep Tommy and me healthy, safe and happy ever since we’ve been together for 41 years. Tommy and I were our own family, and this is just a part of our own family traditions.

There will come a time for everyone when memories are all you have. Don’t waste the chance to make as many as you can!

May You and Your Loved Ones Be Healthy, Safe and Happy!
Reis, Tommy’s Loving Husband

March 11, 2025

Hello, I'm new.

Hi to everyone,

I'm new. I'm hoping this is the right place to post this. If not just tell me where. Thanks. I am 63, gay, recently widowed. I was married to a very loving and humble man for 41 years. Still mourning and have a really difficult time. I am joining tonight because....I don't know why. I've lurked here for so many years. Tonight when I came to check things out, it said "DU Members only", so, here I am.

I'm not great with computers so be patient, please. Thank you. I would like to add just a couple of things so you know I'm not a fake or poser. I love Salmon Enchanted Evening Sunday Post (my favorite part of DU), BoZarts pics, Elleng's pics, and many other folks on here that I cannot think of right now because I'm a little nervous and intimidated. I am usually outspoken but being recently widowed my world is not the same and I am trying to find myself again, so I may just lurk some more. It's nice to finally feel apart of the DU family. Thank you again!

EDIT:: WOW! I never imagined such a huge welcoming! THANK YOU ALL! It's kind of like meeting a rock star when I see names that I've only followed when I lurked and you're speaking directly to me! That's really nice! I hope to be a thoughtful contributor but for now I will mostly read and hang out. I'm still trying to pull myself together after the loss of my husband so I'm feeling very lost and uncertain. Again, THANK YOU ALL!