October 24, 2021

I will send you a pm after I log back on

Thank you so much. I was not enthusiastic about starting over, but you were quite right about the name changes ..I could not remember the new handle and there were at least 3 possibilities re: the associated email and worse possibly even defunct ones. I will contact EarlG and salvage my old account. I hope Duppers is still posting. I like my weak tie friendships at DU .
.

October 24, 2021

Oh yay

Thanks a lot..I will reactivate that then.

Thank you so much .

October 24, 2021

Hey I decided to stick with this account

I just became a star member so tha admins will know that it is nam78_two/CatLady78.
Too much of a bore to go hunting all those old accounts down.

I will see you this December-am logging off till then (though I may pop on once daily just to scan the news and check out your threads)-work deadline .

October 23, 2021

Thanks a lot

I do appreciate your taking the time to draw me out. You know, in a way, it is tougher to have a mental breakdown at a time when everything we post on the internet or send over email basically lives for ever and most scarily could potentially be used by some qanon, anti vaxxer ransomware type to stir shit years after the fact. Look at the shit poor Dr. Fauci, a scientist of unimpeachable respectability, has to deal with. That ridiculous lab leak rubbish. And I would hate to help stir shit with obviously ridiculous allegations like NIH scientists being baby eating satanists or something (and good for them if they are satanists : -p). Let alone a relatively credible sounding faux metoo gaslighting allegation against any of my colleagues, doctors etc. I do not want shit stirred by some malicious James O'Keefe or Jacob Wohl using emails or web posts I made when I was not that well. And even those self righteous Twitter mob doofuses could try that. I never approved of the Tim Hunt, Justine Sacco or Amy Cooper/Karen crap. Being a bullying internet mob has little enough to do with genuine feminism, anti-racism etc. A sense of scale and an objective, non robotic perspective about oneself or other people is the foundation of self awareness.


So thank you . I don't really like talking about any of this. There are still days when I doubt that I was actually unwell and blame my own lack of self control, my own self indulgence, self absorption and paranoid tunnel vision and think it is too easy to claim I was mentally ill and not just a moronic jerk. But it was not entirely under my control possibly. I am not sure anymore. I blame myself mostly and that is the path to forward movement. After all it is not my problem if it was someone else's fault. But as someone who has been fairly lucky and been tolerated far more than they should have been by people, I try to avoid having a grievance complex. I cannot recollect exactly anymore, but I think I was in some distress because of these endles, negative, narrow mental themes and now that I am on Prozac I feel bad.

In the past two weeks I sent out some emails to try to do the making amends step of AA. Normally I find that to be an exercise in narcissism. I mean who cares and bringing it up may stir shit again. But though I hesitated because of qanon, ransomware etc. I felt it was the right thing to do :-/. I will probably not talk about this much on the boards or in email etc. But I can finally pm you again. I have 10+ posts. I hope I can merge this account with my old nam78_two account...

Goodbye for a month or so..work deadline...Death and taxes...the only realities eh. See you in December
.
(heh heh Fox News' "terrorist fistbump&quot ...

October 23, 2021

K & R.nt

October 23, 2021

Elon Musk heh..

https://www.seeker.com/tech/physicists-prove-that-reality-is-not-a-computer-simulation

https://backreaction.blogspot.com/2021/02/the-simulation-hypothesis-is.html?m=1

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/confirmed-we-live-in-a-simulation/

If Elon Musk was less wealthy he would be in a strait jacket. He has the exact opposite effect on my brain that Sabine Hossenfelder does. I am not sure if he is crazy or a dadaist troll. Zuckerberg is sleazier but less insane.

October 22, 2021

Very cool

Wow 45 years..so do people stay on because they eventually like the company or do they actually relapse if they quit going?
That is kinda how it is depicted on the show "Mom"...that was the one better aspect of the show. And as you once told me over pm, some people are a little leery of the association with religiosity I have heard some people express doubts over. As someone who has relied on skepticism, rationality and strong atheism to stay sane over the years, while I try to never be robotic or dogmatic/rigid/ inflexibly close minded, I will admit to being a little wary by now of anything that savors even mildly of spirituality.

But in the main it certainly sounds like a good/helpful group. If they are ok with prescription meds, then my main misconception about them is cleared away. Anyway I am sure most of my doctors and even weak tie friendships are with at least mildly religious people. It has never bothered me as long as they are not super down on abortion, evolution, orthodox, misogynistic a la Taliban etc., as long as tge methods and science are there for the main therapeutic approaches

I am glad you cleared away my doubts about the AA style cold turkey approach. I know it works for me and it is silly to automatically reject it due to suspicions of straight edgers etc

October 22, 2021

Interesting..

Wow..I guess tv shows like Chuck Lorre's "Mom" (which I only started watching because of that one rather funny episode where they get stoned on Adam's cookies), need not necessarily help bona fide drunks.

I had a patch of sobriety between 2016-2017. In fact I had become so "good" that I felt no temptation at all when I would see unattended bottles of alcohol lying around our house. My parents were happy. They wanted me to quit alcohol cold turkey and at that point I had. But among other things, that show "Mom" made AA look so lame that in my moronic way I felt that anything an organization like this recommends has to be idiotic. Then in 2018 I fell off the wagon big time and kept relapsing and backsliding through 2018-2020. Modafinil actually helped reduce the urge for alcohol. But it drove my GGTP up because moderation is not exactly my thing and I was overdoing it with Modafinil (which is strangely enough legal without a prescription in India). I have checked multiple times. But it seems to be a loophole in Indian narcotics laws.
But our narcotics bureau is cracking down on users as well as peddlers these days so I flushed my last batch of Modafinil down the toilet and feel a lot better. My kidneys and liver probably thank me. I was taking 500 mg Modafinil a day by the end and "balancing" it out with 40 mg of cetirizine (Benadryl?) for sleep having convinced myself that I was just "regulating my sleep cycle".

Ugh..I can be infantile which is what it takes to be a committed (pun unintended) alcoholic.

But now I feel great. Prozac is not particularly abuse enabling. It has no very obvious effects on any time scale that truly encourages abuse beyond a psychological drive at first to take more than the prescribed dose you can expect in people like me. In my latest blood test my GGTP has dropped to a normalish level.


Thanks so much for sharing. I am glad to hear AA is not as it is depicted. I always knew that cold turkey is the only way that really works for me but somehow I had a negative view of AA, though their methods seemed sane enough.

I also found cleverbot great for talk therapy. Prefer talking to a bot or even virtually like this over talking honestly to strangers in person if they are not my mom or a close friend or at least a colleague :-/ (and it is embarrassing when it is colleagues but I have already put so much rubbish out there in email or postings here that I thought it saner to post an explanatory end note. My case is fairly uncomplicated..I am just an alcoholic and well some people are. It is genetic...lots of drunks on my dad's side of the family. But it was a real wake up call when my mom fell ill since there is a lot of cancer on my mom's side).

My friends, family, doctors and even colleagues have been trying to help me for a long time now so I get how this guy feels :
https://www.msn.com/en-in/news/world/a-drunk-man-who-had-been-reported-missing-spent-hours-with-a-search-party-looking-for-himself-report-says/ar-AAP4GZB

It is amazing how Prozac just makes it so easy to be sober. I hope it never duds out. But I am worried about vision changes so I will be monitoring that. I can't believe how much in denial I was over my problem drinking. It is pathetic how many mental health cliches I checked off in my 43 years...ugh...I am such a moron.

It would be fun to meet you in person some day if we are in the same zip code Rhiannon ..heh that fistbump smiley (which I always think of as your trademark) is so cute .

October 22, 2021

K & R.nt

October 21, 2021

Congratulations on 12 years sober

Huh I got the impression from "Mom" that AA does not permit any meds...That sounds a lot better. I had chronic sleep issues too. Would wake up feeling dog tired. I was on Modafinil for a while (and Adderall before that). I do have some attention deficit but no thought disorder post Prozac. But the nootropics make me tense. So now it is just the Prozac. Fortunately I have developed a distaste for the smell and taste of alcohol..psychological associations of embarassing drunken rampages on the net as well as my body cooperating in my middle age by rewarding me with such splitting headches for a mere 250 ml of vodka or white rum that I decided that being sober is better. I have probably posted on DU drunk ;-/.

I am always a bit afraid of being taken for conservative, religious or worst of all straight edge if I am sober..I am vegetarian as is..we all have our prejudices..;-/..
So I think I will just have to tell people I am a former drunk..sigh..
Heh your experience sounds so much like the stuff depicted on "Mom".