July 19, 2022

Another year, another milestone.

I posted one year ago today about the 20th anniversary of my daughter Bekah's death. It's come around again. 21 years ago today. Her world came to a crashing halt and her loved ones have been picking up the pieces ever since. This year is a hard anniversary. In another 13 days we will have been without her as long as we had her. I've been trying to work out with my counselor why this is so difficult for me.

It has to do with the enduring nature of grief, and I believe, the complicated nature of the grief associated with the loss of a child, further complicated by the violent nature of the loss and the denial of justice for her death.

Part of what complicates this grief is that I have to grieve not only for myself, but for my girl. She should be alive. I try to live FOR her, but I am mad FOR her too. There's no stopping the speculation on what her life would be today, if it hadn't been wiped out in a split second 21 years ago today. Children, a career...she was on the precipice of fulfilling all that her adult life promised.

And I miss her, so so much.

So yesterday my counselor asked me if I was a Marvel fan (I'm not), but then he quoted a line from one of the movies: "What is grief, if not love persevering?" I like that. Heaven knows I will never stop loving Bekah, so I suppose it does make sense that I will never stop grieving her loss. I just need to accept I guess, that July will never, ever be the same.


https://www.lapdonline.org/newsroom/hit-and-run-suspect-captured/

July 7, 2022

I'm watching a hearing for Cruz the Parkland shooter.

They're examining a doctor and going through his social media, web searches etc. This guy had hate for everyone and everything, especially Black people. He was interested in child porn. His defense has him sitting there in a checkered shirt and sweater vest looking like an All American kid.

You really have to wonder how the guns get into the hands of people who are screaming out warnings. I'm reading today that the Highland Park shooter had threatened to kill his own family a few years ago, then his father helped him acquire the weapons that he used to commit mass murder. WTF

This witness did a review and came up with a shitload of personality and other disorders in Cruz. However he is/was not psychotic though he tried to make up an imaginary bad guy who told him to commit his bad acts. Nothing according to this doctor would indicate that a mental health defense would be effective. He knew what he was doing. He's an All American kid I guess. A murderous maladjusted hater.

These people have always been among us. It's only in the past, i don't know, 20 years or so? that the gun lobby in concert with republicans and the NRA have given them the ability to commit mass murder. Our country is really sick. It's like among developed countries, we are that kid.

July 1, 2022

It's already starting.

It's July. On 06Jul1980, my beautiful daughter was born. On 19Jul2001, she was killed. This is the year when I will have been without her as long as I had her, and it's turning me into a blubbering pile of goo.

I had counseling today and cried and cried. My counselor told me about a memorial garden in Raleigh and I arranged for a brick to be placed in her name. Cried and cried to the advocate I spoke to. She was great.

July has never been a good month for me mentally and psychologically since Bekah died. It consumes too much of my thoughts and overtakes my feelings. I guess I would say it's just the murder month and it always will be. No matter how strongly I believe that Bekah is with me and that I will see her when I die. No matter how much time has passed since the crime.

We go back to the beginning of the grief, and I must do now what I worked so, so hard to do then: lean into it. Here's a poem I wrote then, it's maybe my favorite of all the many poems I wrote then.

today’s paean to why

There's like a why ocean,
from which waves of why
either tease or soak
my grief-addled mind.
During why's high tide,
nearly drowned in why,
The world abounds with why
All I hear is the sound of why
If it tells me it will have to kill me

When why recedes it is still a mystery
Still cannot know it
while I must respect its immense power over me
Riptides of why swamp me regularly
when I'm rolled crazily around in why,
Powerless to dive away from why
Useless to try dominating why.

On the island why I stop to see
How perseverance can still abide in me
On the mainland why I walk the beach
Hope defying why, the why of life
Is easy to see
By my side or inside of me,
Your spirit your love accompanies
With the energy of a wave
that embodies a natural eternity.


https://www.lapdonline.org/newsroom/hit-and-run-suspect-captured/

June 21, 2022

There's an expression that I hate hearing these days.

Tears still fresh on my cheeks after hearing the testimony of Shay and Lady Ruby. Adam Schiff, who is usually a wonderful speechmaker in my opinion, lets drop that expression that I can't hear anymore without yelling back, "yes it is!"

He said, "This is not who we are."

Well, I've been paying attention for awhile now. Sadly, yes it is. The minority make enough noise for everyone. They are hateful and murderous fascists. And they are us. Most of them were born here. Virtually all of them live here. They are us.

I don't even know how to turn "us" into people most of us would like to be, caring, democratic, acting in good faith, peaceful, loving, willing to promote the common good, ethical and honest. Living in reality.

It rings hollow at this point. I hear it all the time and I simply don't believe it anymore. I pay attention.

June 5, 2022

I need a good movie to watch.

I'm sapping today. nothing to do. what should i watch?



thank you all for the great suggestions. I'll check them out. I just decided on "The Big Wedding" with 2 favorites, Diane Keaton and Robert DeNiro. had never even heard of it, have no idea if i'll like it, but here goes.

May 26, 2022

don't know if this is to be believed,

but here it is.
https://twitter.com/MyCancerJourne3/status/1529933105359753218
https://twitter.com/MyCancerJourne3/status/1529933106668457985
https://twitter.com/MyCancerJourne3/status/1529933108182515713

and Rep Castro's response:
https://twitter.com/JoaquinCastrotx/status/1529950079280373774

In a nutshell, the family of one of the Uvalde child victims was visited by literal goons for Abbott. It seems truly unreal, but is it? I'm not savvy enough to find out.

ETA I think it may indeed be true based on an update, but still not certain.
https://twitter.com/MyCancerJourne3/status/1529980293368598528

2nd edit: After reading further down, I see that this poster has quite the twitter history. probably bullshit.

May 24, 2022

I told my son what happened.

I said, "Sandy Hook just happened in TX."

fucking republicans. i just want to scream why. But I know my distress is so minute compared to the families being shocked and bereft at this moment, and even compared to the Sandy Hook parents who have tried so diligently so it would never happen again!

May 10, 2022

How escaped Alabama inmate and corrections officer were caught

Listening to the story told by the marshalls, I've developed the theory that they had a suicide pact and he shot her then chickened out. scumbag. what the fuck happened to her to willfully destroy her own life i can not divine.
Can't he be charged with her murder even if she pulled the trigger herself? A death occurring during the commission of a crime?

April 24, 2022

If you only watch one podcast today, let it be this one.

Cannot recommend it highly enough. Jon Favreau interviews Peter Pomerantsev and it is brilliant.

April 24, 2022

The Truth Behind Masks on Planes

I'm still wearing a mask in all situations where I am in close contact with people i don't know. I do wish the airlines had continued the mandate but sure I'm in the minority on that.