TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalAt Home & Abroad, Gaslighting Fascists Piss in the World's Cheerios (Ferret)
“Concise” isn’t really the house style here, but if I had to boil this blog down to something like a mission statement, it might go, “the authoritarian Right, because of their bottomless stupidity and nigh-incomprehensible malice, should not be in charge,”and I respectfully submit that current events support my position…well, grab a pint o’ something potent and judge for yourself:
(As ever, links await those who click here: https://showercapblog.com/at-home-abroad-gaslighting-fascists-piss-in-the-worlds-cheerios/)
So, the single most obvious thing in the entire world at the moment is that Russia, with its dipshit clown army, could never hope to hold Ukraine, that Vlad the Miscalculator’s fantasy of effortless, consequence-free regime change was never anything more than the fever dream of a cretinous egomaniac with delusions of competence, but apparently thousands of people still have to die, and millions must suffer, because this stunted manchild wants to cling to his shirtless rodeo cowboy image for a few more weeks while the walls close in.
The West swiftly replaced the economy Putin painstakingly built over two decades with a flaming bag of labradoodle turds and 1000 free hours of America Online, and I imagine he’s noticed. Beyond the fiscal curb stomp of official government sanctions, public pressure keeps chasing brand after brand away, and even unsanctioned Russian oil goes unpurchased, because it turns out slaughtering children is a poor marketing strategy.
Meanwhile, on the ground, the war persists in unfolding as though it were designed specifically to raise global awareness of Russian military ineptitude. Ukrainian forces, armed with Turkish drones, Stingers, and Javelins, pick off multimillion-dollar war machines like they’re playing Call of Duty on the Recruit setting. And mounting casualties raise the specter of the wrath of Russian mothers, who are not, as history has shown, anything to fuck with.
Pootie Tang’s generals are leading by example, by dying in the field, which is likely preferable to whatever the Kremlin had in store for those fuckups at their next performance review...while this entire tragic boondoggle is exactly one man’s fault, he doesn’t seem the responsibility-taking type, y’know?
In their doomed crusade to help Vladroy Jenkins save face, his goon army has resorted to indiscriminately lobbing missiles at civilians, which, of course, only increases the resolve, in Ukraine and around the world, to bring about his defeat. As it should, and obviously would. It’s bad, bloody theatre, for an audience of one, and madness on an unfathomable scale.
Just walk us through the scenario where this all works out for you, Poot-Poot. Use small words. “Oh, McDonalds’ll come back if I bomb just one more maternity ward!” “Breaking ceasefires to attack humanitarian evacuation corridors makes sense, because everyone knows sanctions are under the direct control of fleeing Ukrainian children!” Escalation without endgame indeed.
Like, my therapist is fond of calling out my less rational behaviors by asking me, point blank, “How does this get you what you want?” I tell you what, Vladkins, slap that shit on a cat poster and hang it on the wall by your end of that silly-ass table, it’ll serve you better than every yes man in Moscow.
But like a Newsmax junkie demanding ivermectin during his intubation, Putin somehow still believes he can gaslight his way out of objective reality, because apparently lessons in the limits of propaganda have to be learned the hard way. Feeble squawking about “denazification” continues, though I’d wager Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov’s lunatic assertion that Russia “did not attack Ukraine” would be contested by the folks digging the mass graves.
The newest, biggest lie implies that the United States could imagine no better location for a bioweapons laboratory* than a few short miles from the Russian border, an assertion so asinine you’d discard it with a chuckle if it didn’t likely portend Putin’s plans for a chemical attack of his own.
Tucker Carlson, no doubt fearing his substantial investment in Eurotrash autocracy would turn permanently sour, jumped allllll over that choice bit of horseshit, hoping to gently guide his rube audience back to 21st Century Hitler’s corner, because, well, if white nationalists aren’t allowed to seize whatever they want through violence, what’s the fucking point of Tucker Carlson?
Read the room, Liar Tuck. I mean, as much as I shit on the rank and file fuckwads of Cult45, and as much as they deserve it, new polling shows even they see Putin for what he is. And for the love of God, PAY ATTENTION, America, to the dead-enders who still refuse to detach from this bloodthirsty dictator’s teat, here at the completely inevitable, the-news-is-90%-war-crimes stage of his reign.
Like, say, Donald Trump, who, even with Sean Hannity setting the softballs up on a goddamn t-ball tee, couldn’t quite bring himself to condemn the Butcher of Mariupol. And folks, that’s because this is exactly what he himself is after; he wants to get back to the presidency so he can start killing and killing and killing, until there’s no one left with the audacity to remind him he’s a loser. It’s all he’s asked Santa for since 2020.
But Mike Pence, having finally grokked his place in MAGA mythology, attempted to seize this opportunity to lance the tumor devouring the GOP, proclaiming, “there is no room in this party for apologists for Putin,” which is at least a nicer lie than usual, I guess. Can’t help but notice such a bold, confrontational stance seems to require Secret Service protection, though.
I suppose we shouldn’t move on from the Deposed Dotard without mentioning his…”plan” seems overgenerous, let’s call it an imbecile’s scheme, to trick Putin by slapping Chinese flag decals on American bombers, and…actually, considering the state of the Russian military, that’d probably work; objection withdrawn.
Here in these Divided States, the radical Right persists in its own relentless shelling of basic human decency. Florida Republicans advanced their vile Don’t Say Gay bill, which serves no positive purpose, but increases the suffering of LGBTQ children, and thus, the delight of the hate-crazed minority that dominates right-wing politics. It’s amazing, how much of what passes for conservative policy these days is ultimately just spite porn for bigots.
Exactly like their Russian counterparts, these malevolent buttpimples justify their barbarity with twisted, victim-blaming lies, viciously suggesting that merely informing children that some folks are gay amounts to “grooming.” And once again, Tucker Carlson uses this trash to unsubtly nudge his audience, the largest on cable, towards violence, which, he casually suggests, is simply a “normal person’s” response.
…and that’s How It Happens Here.
It works, too. This month in trickle-down terror, a pair of demented jagoffs accosted Nevada Governor Steve Sisolak at a restaurant, along with his wife and daughter, vomiting up slurs and alt-right buzzwords, while gleefully noting the family’s lack of security, and threatening lynching. These particular dickless wonders were just loudmouths in search of internet clout, but this unceasing media cycle, fetishizing first victimhood, then violence, is how you get Capitol Riots.
Speaking of which, Guy Reffitt was found guilty on all counts, and considering the decision-making prowess displayed by not only violently attacking the U.S. Capitol, but taking his open-and-shut case to trial, I don’t think he’ll do well in prison. Which I’m fairly okay with, now that I think about it.
But yes, all American life must be bent to serve the whims of the most hateful among us. The fanatics running Missouri, for example, are no longer content to impose theocracy within their own borders; now they demand the power to punish women who exercise their constitutional rights in non-totalitarian neighboring states. These creeps are totally different from the Taliban, for reasons which are far too complex to get into here, libtard.
Perhaps someday, history will unravel the mystery of precisely how and why Donald Trump’s would-be Twitter competitor, “Truth Social,” flopped, despite the world-class leadership of the former United States Congressman who once lost a lawsuit to an imaginary internet cow; for now, throw it on the Robert Stack pile, I suppose.
While the Turd Reich certainly contained its share of cynical opportunists, let it never be said that Mark Meadows was anything less than fully devoted to the anti-democracy cause, going so far as to perpetrate an unusually sloppy bit of voter fraud, mendaciously registering to vote, in swing state North Carolina, at a mobile home he in no way, shape, or form owned or dwelled in. At the risk of suggesting that the law should actually apply to rich white dudes, LOCK HIS ASS UP.
Quite a week for Congress’ leading Hitlerjungend, Madison Cawthorn, between his latest arrest, and his mega-fashy pro-Putin rant, denouncing Volodymyr Zelensky as “evil” and “a thug,” for espousing “woke ideologies” like Bombing Hospitals is Wrong, and No You Can’t Have My Country.
Cawthorn fits rather snugly into what Liz Cheney correctly identifies as her party’s “Putin wing,” alongside useful idiot/Trump Pentagon official Doug Macgregor, who shares Maddy’s view that the Ukrainians are the real villains here, for resisting Vlad’s super reasonable demand for total submission. I bet Doug’s fun on dates.
I see Bilious Bill Barr is the latest Trumpworld taint remora to attempt a legacy-bleaching book tour, and I for one have grown quite weary indeed of Republicans demanding praise for enabling just 99% of Gameshow Göring’s authoritarian assault on my country. While I’m always down for a fresh round of embarrassing Donnie One-Term anecdotes, I’d rather tear gas myself in Lafayette Square than buy your piece of shit book, Bill…unless you take rubles?
Shame descended upon the American wingnut fringe as they realized they had been out-truckerconvoyed by, oh the humiliation…Canadians. While this blundering handful of disinformation-addled asshats once dreamt of overthrowing the tyranny of medical science, they’re now reduced to literally driving around in circles, barely able to score a meeting with clout-chasing crotchmarmot Ted Cruz and his shitty, shitty beard, while absolutely no one else pays the slightest bit of attention.
Perhaps these dopes should change course, and head down to the Shithole Republic of DeSantistan, where the quack Governor Ron-Ron recently installed as Surgeon General insanely recommended that parents play Russian roulette with their kids’ lives. If you happen to be in search of a political party that doesn’t recklessly endanger children to placate tantrum-throwing morons, may I humbly suggest the Democratic one?
Poor Mitch McConnell just wants to sneak quietly back into the Majority Leader’s office through the side door, but his caucus of oligarch nitwits can’t stop won’t stop reminding the serfs what the Republican Party actually stands for. Last week, it was Rick Scott and his bleed-the-filthy-takers-dry “platform,” and now, along comes Ron Johnson, positively giddy to remind a pandemic-weary nation of his lifelong passion for stripping working people of their health care. Oh well. Fuck ‘em all.
In attempting to hide evidence from the January 6th commission, uncanny valley centerfold Stephen Miller inadvertently revealed that, despite being a grown-ass man**, he’s still on mommy n’ daddy’s cellphone plan, a clarifying lesson in the inescapable patheticness at the core of every single white supremacist.
Insurrectionist bureaucrat Tina Peters got indicted on a veritable Frito-Lay variety pack of charges for her attempts to subvert the 2020 election in Colorado, which hopefully puts an end to her quest for higher office, at least until Don Jr. picks her as his running mate.
Good Lord. Y’know, today is actually Shower Cap’s birthday. ‘Twas six years ago exactly I first donned the luchador mask/superhero bathrobe combo, to attend the Trump rally in Chicago, looking to get a glimpse of the madness up close. I got my glimpse’s worth and then some, and I’d very much like to look away now, but that’s what the bastards want us to do, so I guess I’ll see y’all next week. Stay safe out there, folks…stay safe.
*Hopefully, Russian troops won’t discover the hidden underground facility where Zelensky’s been growing that kaiju cloned from DNA extracted from Hunter Biden’s laptop.
**Well, biped anyhow
Hitler, But Dumber: The Vladimir Putin Story (Ferret/SC)
See, this is why you don’t let narcissistic assholes run counties. Because countries come with armies. We should have known, I suppose, that even war would find a way to be dumber in this age of fuckheads run amuck, but my God, it’s soul-crushing, how stupid this all is.
(It’s a doozy tonight, get it with links here: https://showercapblog.com/hitler-but-dumber-the-vladimir-putin-story/)
From its inception, this blog has dedicated probably 60% of its space to the multitudinous errors of just one man: Donald John Trump. And I have not wanted for material; between the malice and the imbecility, that dude fucks up a whole fucking bunch. A fuckup whose fuckups fucked up the whole course of human history. You don’t need me to remind you, you were there for every forsaken minute of it.
But please keep all of it in mind as I say I have never watched anybody fuck up anything as epically and as completely as Vladimir Putin fucked up his disgusting little war. Suddenly, Trump’s an amateur. Trump is a cave painting, this is the Sistine Chapel of fucking up.
What an evil, stupid, little man. To launch a bloody war of aggression, upon a neighbor, for vanity and petty greed, and based on an utterly delusional appraisal of…Jesus, of everything, every single aspect of this morass, the conceited ghoul.
We all know what’s said about the best-laid plans, and I think if we extrapolate from that point to whatever this THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING debacle must’ve looked like on paper, it’s easy to understand how we landed where we did.
Fuck, I don’t even know where to start. How about the linchpin assumption, which apparently held Mr. Super Spy’s entire master plan together, that he could start his war, aaaaaand nobody would fight back? Whole dang country just, what, thanks Vlad for making room for ‘em under his thumb?
That’s pretty weird, as assumptions go. And judging by his military’s bungling in the aftermath, he didn’t see much need to work up any sort of plan B, did he? Like, where does this confidence come from? It’s like modern warfare as waged by Ralph Wiggum.
A most definitely incomplete list of Things and People Chessmaster Poot-Poot Disastrously Underestimated: Biden, Zelenksy, NATO, pretty much every single Ukrainian, Zelensky, How Hard War Is Generally, Western unity, Zelensky, Zelensky, Zelensky, and Zelensky.
While simultaneously overestimating, to an equally suicidal degree: the Russian army, his own ability to set the narrative, his budding bromance with Xi Jinping, his so-called “fortress economy,” and, above all things else, the strategic genius of one Vladimir Putin.
There should be a Robert Palmer song called Fuck Around and Find Out, and the video would be Robert Palmer girls dancing while Putin reacts to the hailstorm of consequences he has brought down upon his own head, one at a time. And that video would be as long as a Soviet film adaptation of a Tolstoy novel. But it’d sure be sexy.
The invading Russians have, um, not exactly been greeted as a liberators, likely because of the way they keep raining death down on innocent people who were just minding their own business.
Stripped, by Wily Joe Biden, of the capacity to justify military aggression with a false flag attack, the best narrative the master manipulator could muster was some feeble sputtering about “de-Nazification,” like a paint-covered kindergartner blaming the dog for the crude treasure map that appeared on the living room carpet.
But the dictator handbook says the bigger the lie, the harder you have to stick to it, so Comrade Shitferbrains is still trying to gaslight Macron into accepting him as Indiana Jones, socking fascists in the jaw, rather than a crazy old man, working through a war crimes bucket list. I confess, I hadn’t considered Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” as a potential blueprint for wartime diplomacy, but ol’ Vlad’s always ten moves ahead of us dummies, right?
You fucked this up so bad, kid. You aimed for the history books, and landed in the Darwin Awards. You were gonna be the Tsar that brought back the U.S.S.R., weren’tcha? Whoops.
You sure did make a Great Man of Volodymyr Zelensky, though. That’s some monkey’s paw shit right there. I’ll bet that eats away at you, too, in whatever spare moments might be available to a man getting pummeled from every direction by the wrath of God.
Yes, Putin now begins what looks to be a lengthy residency in Consequencesville. I’m actually dead as I write this, having foolhardily made a drinking game of the steady stream of sanctions announcements.
Congratulations are clearly in order. You’ve made your currency worthless. Pissed on decades of hard-won good will, business ties…good luck rebuilding those bridges, champ. Even your closest allies will have a hard time forgetting this lesson, on the hidden costs that accompany your “friendship."
I see you had to shut down your stock market to keep it from disintegrating to atoms. The big, bad foreign currency reserves that were supposed to shield you from sanctions turned out to be held in foreign banks, and are thus forever lost to you, because you clearly thought this thing through real, real hard. Anyway, I imagine your financial planner has already been sent to a gulag.
Damn near every sporting and cultural institution on Earth has severed ties with your overnight pariah state. Every ten minutes you hear about another one, “the International Society of Erotic Harry Potter Fanfic Writers (ISEHPFfW) will no longer recognize their Moscow-based chapter,” that kind of thing. I’m sure you’re fine; angry soccer fans seldom lash out, right?
And because you’re committing war crimes all over television and the internet, you are manufacturing, in verdant abundance, all the public outrage necessary to guarantee the very outcomes this mess was designed to thwart. Because you’re so intelligent, you see.
NATO is all tight now, dog. Thanks to you. NATO is having sleepovers where everybody talks about who they have crushes on at school, and also how much everybody fucking hates you. And there’s a line out the door to join it now, too; to join the European Union and all those other institutions you hoped to scare away from your doorstep. Nice work.
Oh, and you’ve inspired Europe to invest even more heavily in defense, including, surely, the very weapons Ukrainians are currently using to beclown your military.
And frankly, none of this should surprise anyone; it’s precisely the stuff one should expect to happen when one marches an army into a whole ‘nother country and orders it to start killing people.
Yet somehow, in the middle of this entirely predictable shitstorm, at the far, far end of some Kubrick-looking table, sits Vladimir Putin, thumb secured in puckered butthole, baffled into a stupor that anybody bothered to fight back at all.
They usually do, kiddo…they usually do. No wonder your sanity has been called into question.
I bet the walls close in a bit more with every seized oligarch yacht, huh? Well, I’m sure temperatures will cool if you just light a few more nuclear plants on fire, you idiot. You fucking idiot. Fucking fuckup. FIRE IN A NUCLEAR PLANT FUCKING FUCKUP.
I mean, Lindsey Graham is a reckless buffoon, but did he say anything these Russian billionaires weren’t already whispering amongst themselves?
Back stateside, comic relief has been provided by the leading lights of MAGA Nation, and their skeleton-crushing contortions, as they attempt to squirm out from under years of unabashed Putin pimping.
Hey, if anybody from that side of the American reality divide happens to be hate-reading this post on their sister’s Facebook wall, may I gently suggest that when a figure who has been presented to you as admirable instead pulls Hitler shit, you reevaluate your trust in those who made the presentation?
Like, hey Mike Pompeo, what was it you called Vlad on the eve of his campaign of atrocities? “Very savvy,” was it? “Elegantly sophisticated,” even? That was your assessment while he was marshaling his forces to slaughter civilians? Bet that breathes new life into your Surely Presidential Candidates Don’t Need Charisma Anyway My Mom Thinks I’m Likeable* campaign.
And watching wee Tommy Cotton fidget, you could practically see smoke coming out of his ears during his failed struggle to reconcile basic human decency with every cult of personality’s lone commandment.
Yes, despite the week’s helpful insight into Where This Whole Authoritarian Thing Leads, the Republican Party keeps stumbling heedlessly rightward. Assaults on reproductive rights and education keep escalating. And the politicians keep getting crazier and crazier.
Because the price of Off-Brand Orbán’s endorsement is total devotion to the Big Lie, GOP Senate primaries are getting deeply, dangerously weird. In Arizona, Trump scared Doug Ducey off without a fight (stochastic terrorism in action, folks!), and in Missouri, everybody’s flirting with the profoundly disturbing Eric Greitens, all while Herschel Walker remains functionally unopposed, history of domestic abuse be damned, apparently. If the specter of that potential Senate doesn’t make you want to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, I don’t know what will.
And don’t forget Kevin McCarthy’s predictable impotence before the Yeah We’re Nazis Wanna Make Somethin’ Of It wing of his caucus. Remember when “House Minority Leader refuses to condemn members who spoke at a white nationalist conference where the organizer LITERALLY PRAISED HITLER” would’ve been a seriously shocking headline? That was a healthier time.
That conference, by the way, featured a crowd of white resentment’s finest specimens, openly cheering disgraced former Sheriff Joe Arpaio, specifically for his world-renowned racism, just to give a clearer picture of this latest low hurdle McCarthy can’t seem to heave himself over.
If even a dithering milksop like Willard Romney can denounce the “morons on my team,” K-Dog, surely you can wag a finger at members who hang out with racism-cheering Hitler-praisers, or fling poo at the walls during the State of the Union. Oh right, that would require a spine. I apologize; I forgot about your condition.
Speaking of SOTU, Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds’ response, a rote recitation of all the standard MAGA grievances, wasn’t exactly a star-making turn, but I suppose we should be grateful they didn’t hand the gig to Roy Moore.
Or to Ron DeSantis, who’s too busy anyway, directing embarrassing displays of public surliness at schoolchildren. Sick burn on France, by the way, Ron-Ron. Seriously. Everybody’s extremely impressed and your mom’s super proud of the way you conduct yourself.
Hey, looks like Louie Gohmert blew up his own political career, that’s some welcome good news! Louie’s had the Dumbest Man in Congress crown nailed down for the entirety of his tenure, of course; insiders say the succession battle is likely to come down to a spork fight between Madison Cawthorn and Gym Jordan.
Oh hey, look, the January 6th commission has finally begun using terms like “criminal conspiracy” in court filings, a welcome escalation in what’s been an excruciating wait for justice. Meanwhile, one “Oathkeeper” pleaded guilty to seditious conspiracy over his role in the Capitol Riot, while the trial of a “Three Percenter” got underway, because in this country, terrorist violence comes from stunted manchildren playing dress-up.
Wait, wait…the seditious conspiracy guy worked as Roger Stone’s bodyguard? And, lordy, there are tapes? Because Rog allowed a documentary crew to film his treacherous ass during the insurrection? You know, under Kevin Bacon Game rules, the criminal conspiracy case just got a whole lot more interesting.
Before I let you go, be sure to check out the All-New, All-Different Rogues Gallery section on the site! These new Rogues pages were commissioned by backers of the Kickstarter for my WWII comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, and they are hot off the press.
Speaking of comic book news, I just received word that the print run of ODD YARNS finally arrived in port, which means…well, there’s still some waiting before it gets to me, but it’ll be here relatively soon…ish! Which mean ANSWER YOUR REWARDS SURVEY if you haven’t already. I wanna get y’all your books!
Good lord. That’s more than enough bullshit to merit a weekend, I think. Please stay safe out there, my friends; this world keeps beating mad new paths to dark places, and I wouldn’t want to lose anybody.
*No, she doesn’t.
Knockoff Hitler Gets His War, and Other Unmitigated Horseshit (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Y’know, my greatest hope is that the need for this blog will fade with time, that the madness dies down, and the billions of humans who just want to get through this damn life with minimal bullshit will no longer be subject to the insane whims of the shittiest people on the planet, but here we are in a week of headlines about Putin seizing Chernobyl while supply chain issues disrupt the gravestone industry, and, well, “today is not that day.”
(Yet again, shiny colors and informative links await those bold enough to CLICK HERE: https://showercapblog.com/knockoff-hitler-gets-his-war-and-other-unmitigated-horseshit/)
Yeah, the ghastly bastard went and did it; Pooty-Poot launched his vile, illegal war of aggression on neighboring Ukraine. Guess his discount Bond villain ass couldn’t bear the thought of never going Full Hitler, even once. YOLO. Brought to you by Applebee’s.
It must be said, Vlad the Miscalculater has been consistently outflanked by the wily Biden Administration, who simply, brilliantly gave the whole world access to American intelligence on Russia’s intentions.
See, Putkins had this great big plan worked out, a masterpiece of modern gaslighting, to justify invasion by staging a false flag attack, like Ukraine randomly decided to initiate hostilities with the massive military force he’d assembled outside their borders, for Super Real Reasons. Sure, Jan.
Anyway, Old Tricksy Joe basically just posted that shit on the internet for the entire class to see, alongside the Kremlin’s planned war crimes n’ political assassinations. Caught with his pants down, the best this “master spy” could muster was an unhinged, deeply unmanful rant, where he came off like a drunken ex-boyfriend, vowing to chop down the front door with an axe to get his Whitesnake t-shirt back.
Confident he’d pull a fast one on a sleepy, divided NATO, Putin instead faces a strengthened western alliance he’s personally unified with his thuggery. Sanctions swiftly began taint-punting an already troubled economy, with more on the way. It’s all going super well, and I’m sure the long-term payoff will be nothing but bunnies and Pop Tarts and blow jobs. Really. I mean it. Cool plan, Underpants Gnome Mussolini.
Won’t surprise anybody that the spank-me-harder-Vladdy authoritarian Right proved incapable of passing up such a golden opportunity to demonstrate their disloyalty to the United States, just as Peter Doocy could not resist the urge to piggyback on the historic moment to indulge that insatiable public humiliation kink of his.
Of course Kid Kompromat sided with Russian aggression immediately and enthusiastically, grateful for the chance to kiss his boss’ ass in public. And you know Tucker Carlson’s always ready to pour another spoonful of pro-Putin poison down his congregation’s gullet. Hell, seems the entire evangelical Right can’t stop talking about how much they share Vlad’s “values,” which are, again, pro-Killing a Bunch of People and Taking All Their Stuff.
Asked to comment on unfolding events, D.C.’s reigning village idiot, Tommy Tuberville, covered himself in all the glory we’ve come to expect from the United States Senator who doesn’t know what the three branches of government are.
Speaking of the Senate, I see ol’ Jim Inhofe is stepping down in order spend more time posturing with precipitation. Normally, you’re happy to be rid of such a clown, but in a state as Trumpy as Oklahoma, your blood runs cold contemplating the walking wad of butt tumors they’re gonna dig up to replace him.
On that dark subject, the turd fencing competition that is the Ohio Republican Senate primary remains instructive, if terrifying. Vance and Mandel continue their weird, devolved asshole-off, as though the gig goes to whichever guy sounds most like a Proud Boy melting down in a Waffle House parking lot. Anyway, J.D. made a spectacular ass of himself, picking a petty, vulgar fight with retired General Barry McCaffrey, in search of the esteem of the creeps and jagoffs who find such things impressive, and I’m not ready to endorse or anything, but at first glance, Tim Ryan feels like a stronger choice.
I fear the Canadian trucker convoy finally arrived at its inevitable destination, in whichever corner of history’s trash heap contains the lottery tickets and wrestling magazines, as Justin Trudeau tyrannically refused to rewrite public health policy to suit the misconceptions of a handful of tantrum-throwing asshats.
Still, the insurrection-hungry mega-donors of ascendant American fascism are rolling out the astroturf for every braying nitwit who claims he can get a convoy going. So far, efforts have been good n’ laughable, but there’s certainly plenty of money lining up to finance a big budget sequel to the Capitol Riot, and I confess I don’t love that.
I see the Deposed Dotard is desperate to get into the golf business with the journalist-dismembering House of Saud, because of course he is. Y’know, I don’t anticipate a pivot to a Jimmy Carter-like post-presidency any time soon…maybe it’s just the well-earned ban from operating charities talking, but service doesn’t seem like Littlefinger’s “thing.”
And I guess a bunch of Wisconsin Republicans have worked up yet another harebrained scheme to “decertify” the 2020 election, and somehow reinstall their Hemorrhoid Emperor. I say go for it. While I thought we’d moved past this foolishness, god knows I’m always down to watch another wave of dipshits run face-first into this particular wall. Get those hopes allllllllll the way up, fuckheads.
So, you’ve probably noticed Mitch McConnell’s almost playful refusal to articulate any sort of party platform ahead of the midterms; he shrewdly understands there’s little to be gained in reminding the plebes that all he’ll ultimately do with the power they give him is cut their boss’ taxes, and anyway, the GOP’s disinformation-addicted base has little interest in policy specifics, or even in solutions generally, so long as they’re steadily fed engaging new excuses to fear and hate their neighbors.
Well, ghoulish plutocrat Rick Scott took it upon himself to fill in Mitch’s blanks. And the lil’ PowerPoint presentation he threw together…woooooooo. What can you call it but the nightmarish fantasy of a wannabe oligarch who views the American public primarily as livestock?
I’M SICK OF RETIREES LEECHING OFF THE REST OF US, hissed Rick, no doubt imagining coast-to-coast applause, PAY UP YA FILTHY TAKERS!
Hey, I don’t know who needs to hear this, other than, I dunno, a few million Floridians, but this conclusion you’ve reached, on three separate occasions no less, that “this fellow who committed Medicare fraud on a massive scale has my best interests at heart,” it’s, um, not a very astute conclusion. Just one man’s opinion.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott spun the Wheel of Hate, and when the needle landed on “transgender children and their parents,” he asked himself, “what would the Taliban do?” and then he did just that. I don’t know what to even say about these bastards anymore…all they’re interested in is hurting people.
Seriously. Even after all the public backlash, Florida Republicans advanced their truly disgusting Don’t Say Gay bill, which serves no function beyond harming LGBTQ children for the amusement of zealots. Like bullying should be a core function of the state. How conservative.
What perfect timing for the annual gathering of ruptured colon cysts known as CPAC. That roster, dear lord, it’s like a proctologists convention in a leper colony. Seriously, do a shot for every known sex criminal: Matt Gaetz (shot), Eric Greitens (shot), and of course, Wee Donnie One-Term himself (chug a Costco-sized plastic jug of the cheapest vodka you can find).
Beyond that, it’s all the usual morons, maniacs, and mediocrities, wallowing together in the intoxicating filth of their newly agreed upon intentional indecency. Ted Cruz pulling petulantly at Jen Psaki’s pigtails. Mike Pompeo’s doomed, charmless ploys for attention. That sort of thing.
And that sewage treatment plant/flume park mash-up is the party Tulsi Gabbard just HAD to crash, so everybody can spend the weekend snickering “let’s go Brandon” at one another. Whatever.
Naturally, Ron DeSantis was borne to the stage on a bier crafted from the bones of his victims, to boast about all the senseless death he’s caused. This is how Republicans CAMPAIGN, folks. Dueling Governors, bickering over who ignored science the hardest.
Competitive mass-murder…I mean, I guess it makes sense as the sort of psychotic domination ritual a death cult would adopt to select its leadership, but as a railroad-running proposition, it strikes me as unwise.
We keep hearing about how Ron-Ron’s “star is on the rise,” right as he’s installing this majestic quack as DeSantistan’s new surgeon general, which is some straight-up Harkonnen shit.
I dunno, I think I’ll stick with the guy we’ve got, who’s not only bringing steady, expert leadership to a global anti-war coalition, but rolling out a historic Supreme Court nomination at home, all while breaking in a new cat, which is no cakewalk, let me tell you.
Because when you come right down to it, it’s getting awfully tough to ignore the common thread running through so much of the Right’s agenda lately…from the Scott platform to the Abbott order to the Putin war…the cruelty is the point.
What a shitshow. I believe Kermit the Frog put it best, when he said, ”Yeesh.” Well, stay safe out there, my lovelies. Now more than ever. Dedicating this little rant, whatever it may be worth, to those absolute kings on Snake Island, who showed the world how it’s fuckin’ DONE.
Welcome to the Bouncy Castle Insurrection (Everything is Very Stupid) Ferret/ShowerCap
Didja see where CNN hired George Orwell’s Force Ghost as an on-air contributor? You’d think he’d have tons of useful insight to offer, but he mostly just yells, “I fucking TOLD you! Why didn’t anyone fucking LISTEN?” and cries. Which, looking at the news, I totally get. Well, grab a tissue, and weep along with us, I suppose…
(Let those who desire full color and news links click here: https://showercapblog.com/welcome-to-the-bouncy-castle-insurrection-everything-is-very-stupid/)
Almost strutting their ability to custom-warp their audience’s reality, the right-wing disinformation apparatus wildly misrepresented recent filings from the Durham investigation, wrapping ‘em up in buzzwords and second-hand stripper glitter, and proclaiming them to be incontrovertible proof (not even close) that Hillary Clinton spied on poor, innocent Donnie Dotard (she didn’t) and ate Seth Rich to cover it up, only after first de-aging him to infancy, of course (okay, that part’s basically true).
It’s all bullshit, of course, entirely fabricated, but hey, Fux needs to talk about something during all those hours they’re not covering Government Cheese Goebbels’ legal setbacks (more there in a minute), and who wants to wade through dense, boring ol’ fact checks when you can use a sparkly new falsehood as an excuse to call for your political opponents’ execution instead?
Larry Hogan, bless his heart, went on the Sunday shoz to playfully contemplate a run at the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, no doubt believing Dr. Strange can simply deposit him in an alternate dimension where there actually is “a pretty large lane of sane Republicans,” looking to reclaim their party, instead of the poo-flinging death cult that persists here in the real world.
Sorry, Larry, sign says No Residents of Objective Reality Need Apply. The current configuration of the Grand Old Party is looking for a few good liars, however, like Mesa County, Colorado clerk Tina Peters, the 2020 election truther under investigation for leaking election data to the foot soldiers of the Assclown Autogolpe, (among other crimes, incidentally) who announced her run for the office overseeing elections statewide.
See, the plan here is to use every tactic available (and choosy MAGA moms choose terror!) to chase decent people out of these crucial jobs, and replace them with Big Lie loyalists, because the rules are ultimately only what the refs say they are, and voters can’t reject your malfeasance if the vote counters work for you. It’s the Federalist Society model applied to election workers…with just a lil’ bit of the old ultraviolence thrown in…well, just a little for now.
In Texas, where Greg Abbott is a commie RINO cuck for only burning some of the books, just 13 out of a total of 143 Republican congressional candidates acknowledge the indisputable truth that Smilin’ Joe Biden beat their precious Turd Emperor like a dang drum in 2020. Healthy!
Plus, in the latest installment of Liz Cheney’s never-ending ceremonial excommunication, Minority Leader McCarthy actually endorsed her primary challenger, so eager is he to purge his caucus of dissenters with heretical beliefs like “lynch mobs are bad and ought not be encouraged,” and “the American people should be allowed to elect their own leaders.”
Then there’s Herschel Walker, gliding to the Georgia Senate nomination on Off-Brand Orbán‘s endorsement, despite new police records shining fresh light on his extremely disturbing history of mental health issues, and domestic abuse. Dunno about y’all, but right about now, I could really go for another lecture on civility from the crowd for whom a documented history of violent outbursts is somehow not disqualifying.
Shit, Walker’ll fit right in. He’d certainly get along with Ron Johnson, whose long battle with the forces of common sense and public health recently led him to platform “Dr.” Ben Marble, an animal dewormer-peddling quack with a wacky plan to assassinate our way out of the pandemic. Ben, gotta be honest with ya, kid…I feel like “first, do no harm” more or less rules out terrorist bombings, but what do I know, I’m not the one with the ear of a sitting U.S. Senator.
Fascism’s fervent financiers really want to make “trucker convoys” a regular thing, believing they’ve stumbled onto superior branding for the bloodthirsty mobs they hope to continue inciting (“Capitol Riot” hasn’t been doing super well with focus groups). Of course, there’re hardly any actual truckers remaining in the wad of sphincters clogging up downtown Ottawa, and don’t forget, actual Canadian truckers have repeatedly denounced these conspiracy-addled yahoos, but golly, LOOKIT THE BOUNCY CASTLES!
…they bet real heavy on the bouncy castle thing, have you noticed that? “Pay no attention to the weapons cache seized from the so-called protesters who were plotting to murder cops, or the wall of polling proving the public opposes this asshat brigade, and their idiotic demands, or the white nationalist extremists speaking for the movement on Fux, this is about the pure, radiant wholesomeness of the noble bouncy castle, dammit!
Well, though you failed to overthrow the tyrant Son of Fidel Castro, rest easy, scumbags, knowing there’s a massive insurrectionist fundraising network standing at the ready, eager to supply the next urban occupation with street fair paraphernalia and shoddy pillows and golly gee how’d those guns get in here must’ve been antifa hee hee hee.
Anyway, copycat convoys failed to materialize in time to disrupt the Super Bowl, calling into question Senator Paul’s ability to mobilize the masses with his uniquely punchable charm. Therefore, the resultant SEXUAL ANARCHY rests on your faithless heads, O Ye Who Heeded Not the Call of Rand. By the time you read this, discussion of the 2022 halftime show will be banned in public schools in at least 14 red states, and a petition to give the gig to Kid Rock next year will have over a million signatures. (Well, x’s anyway.) You can picture it, can’t you? Dancing girls with tiki torches? A big-ass, book-burning bonfire in each end zone? Nuremberg Bowl, bitches!
Hey, if you’ve got any yard work that needs doing, Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit against the New York Times got tossed, leaving the former Vice Presidential nominee one publicists’ bill away from standing on the side of the highway with a Will Grift 4 Food sign.
Competition’s actually pretty cutthroat in the high-stakes world of right-wing rube-bilking; there’s only so much money to go ‘round, and the long-term difficulties posed by peddling medical disinformation during a lethal pandemic should be obvious. Why, our former First Lady has been reduced to purchasing her own shitty, unwanted NFTs, the sort of desperate loser behavior that simply screams…Trump.
Even for the Michelangelo of Losing in Court, this was an unusually brutal week, a sort of judicial enema, administered by legal halberd. First, the Biden Administration, in blatant violation of Bro Code, ordered the release of Shart House visitor logs, then a court ruled that New York Attorney General Letitia James gets to interview the Deposed Dotard and his shitty spawn, under oath, and I know it’s just a fantasy that you could pepper him with questions about crowd size and his real net worth until you had enough perjury charges to airdrop him straight into Leavenworth, but a boy can dream, can’t he?
Oh, and then Littlefinger got his sorry grifter ass fired by his longtime accounting firm, who disavowed the veracity of their own work on his behalf, essentially confirming the James investigation’s allegations. Wow. When you get news like that, I bet it’d be real nice to have access to competent legal representation…heh.
So, in perhaps the Josh Hawliest thing ever, Josh Hawley started selling coffee mugs emblazoned with the image of his famous terrorist fist jab from last January 6th. Coffee mugs. Yeah, Josh, that’s just the sort of thing the discerning Proud Boy would display on his mantel, between the Precious Moments figurines and the Third Reich porcelain. Hawley’s gonna show up to the Reichstag Fire in a suede jacket he picked up at Rick Springfield’s last tour.
No Ukraine war yet, as I write this. Putin’s pandemic-time reinvention-as-conqueror project doesn’t seem to be going the way he’d like…shit, Vlad, if you’d settled for a sourdough starter like the rest of us, maybe NATO wouldn’t be bonding at Joe Biden’s sleepover right now. They’re gonna order pizza and stay up late watching Robocop; can you believe Olaf Scholz has never seen it? It’s gonna blow his fucking mind.
Okay, that’s what I’ve got for you tonight. Did I miss anything? Attempting a Twitter-free newsgathering process this week, in an effort to claw a few hours of my life back from all these damnable little screens. Let me know, don’t be shy…and stay safe out there, chums…
But, At Long Last, After Much Consideration, and With All Due Respect...Her Emails (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Every night-before-blog-night, I secretly hope this is finally the day I wake up next to Bob Newhart, eager to share all the insane details of the crazy dream I just had, but no such luck this week. Oh well, guess I better prepare for Operation Jade Helm III: the Biden-backed Chinese invasion of America…what do you even wear to something like that?
(Nigh-miraculous news links and bright, shiny colors await those brave enough to venture here: https://showercapblog.com/but-at-long-last-after-much-consideration-and-with-all-due-respecther-emails/)
Well, a handful of horn-blasting asshats somehow failed to overthrow the Canadian government, to the great dismay of the Fux Nooz audience, for whom this astroturfed shitshow has been essentially the only news story in the entire world for days. Seems the stratagem of antagonizing locals and spamming emergency lines failed to win converts. Odd.
Still, domestic wingnuts, with their trademark eagerness to repeat history’s mistakes, are demanding daddy buy them convoys of their very own, swastika flags and all. Word is, one of these clown brigades may actually have plans to disrupt the Super Bowl. Now, personally, I’d worry that fucking up pandemic-weary Americans’ beloved football parties might make them, y’know, tear me apart with their teeth and spit what’s left into the nacho dip, but y’all should do what you think’s best.
Naturally, there’s a shit-ton of pro-convoy disinformation lurching through the radicalized dipshit media bubble, and I get that, dishonesty is completely necessary here; imagine how difficult it must be to make heroes of the dregs of the Canadian alt-right. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised anymore, at the Borat-level hogwash these crybabies fall for; anything to indulge their precious persecution fantasies.
For example, Chip Roy, former Chief of Staff to Cancún Cruz, and current, sitting U.S. Representative, demanded the United States government deport Justin Trudeau, who was allegedly cowering in exile in Joe Biden’s basement, according to the completely random internet dingbat Congressman Roy unquestioningly accepted as an authority on the subject of world leader abdications.
And I don’t wanna seem divisive or anything, but elected officials making decisions based on flagrant disinformation, because they’re too fucking stupid to identify it as such, seems like maybe not the greatest way to run a railroad.
So it’s probably best the gaggle of buttholes who just took over Virginia purged their shiny, new administration of deputy attorney general Monique Miles, a Capitol Riot cheerleader with a soft spot for antifa-bashing conspiracy theories. Yikes.
Youngkin’s team is clearly filled with these creeps; one of whom apparently got into politics primarily to procure a platform from which to bully teenagers. That’s the sort of person who’s seeking the power of elected office under the banner of Donald Trump’s Republican Party, by the way. Kinda makes you want to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, doesn’t it?
So, almost as a side effect of the more egregious misdeeds of their four-year crime spree, it seems the Turd Reich engaged in gargantuan and habitual violations of federal record-keeping laws, as though Hillary’s private server eloped with the Nixon Tapes and had a dumpster baby.
Apparently, the Dotard Despot not only tore up documents, not only ATE documents, but CLOGGED WHITE HOUSE PLUMBING flushing documents down the toilet, like some Muppet Babies mafia boss. The doddering old prick illegally snuck (at least) fifteen boxes of records out of the White House, including information clearly marked as classified, alongside the Monroe silver and, bless his idiot heart, that map where he changed the path of a hurricane with a sharpie rather than admit he was wrong. Cool golden calf y’all picked. Your moms must be proud.
Given the American Right’s well-documented passion for executive branch information security, what happened next shouldn’t have surprised us: wall-to-wall news coverage swiftly caused a Trey Gowdy-led mob of Tea Party faithful, drawn from every state in the union, to march upon Mar-A-Lago, and burn it to the ground in righteous fury.
OH CAP, YOU RASCAL, no such ethical consistency was demonstrated, by either the conservative movement or the click-crazed news media! It’s almost as if there’s some sort of double standard at work here. I’m starting to suspect life may not be fair.
Tasked with spinning this latest trash fire, Mark Meadows found himself an inadequate man facing an impossible job, but with a gaslighting partner as amenable as Newsmax, who needs plausibility? Build a set that looks enough like a newsroom, you can shovel shit down the rubes’ throats all day long, and they’ll beg you for more.
Anyway, in the zaniest of all possible coincidences, there’re some gaps in Littlefinger’s phone records from January 6th, because fucking of course he used unsecured private lines to conduct the minute-to-minute business of the Assclown Autogolpe. Kind of him to gift his buddy Vlad so much extra kompromat, don’t you think?
And speaking of Stupid Coo Day, apparently, when he wasn’t busy recruiting a game Tommy Tuberville to the plot to assassinate American democracy, Wee Donnie Two-Scoops was glued to the magic television box, rewinding scenes from the riot over and over again, confused that staffers did not seem to share his delight in all the terrorism he’d incited. Yeah, that stuff’s tricky for sociopaths.
Somehow, through all the treason and failure, Government Cheese Goebbels’ bumpkin bromance with mass-murdering tyrant Kim Jong-un has endured. You scoff, but a challenge coin means FOREVER, you heartless snobs.
Well, looka here, a handful of the Senate’s dustiest Republican doormats actually found the RNC’s chilling efforts to cast terrorist violence as “legitimate political discourse” sufficiently uncouth as to warrant a momentary passing harrumph of disapproval, HOW BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKING BRAVE.
Meanwhile, Adam Kinzinger, from his location in the frontline trenches of the doomed battle for the GOP’s soul*, warns of the very real danger that the maniacs who’ve commandeered his party could plunge the nation into civil war.
And…golly. That feels like a big ol’ gauntlet to throw, but you can’t dismiss the man as alarmist, considering what the Right is toying with accepting as, one more time, “legitimate political discourse.” Future generations of Republicans are going to make it illegal to teach schoolchildren just how pro-violence the 2022 version of their party was.
Look at Jim Lamon, a Republican would-be Senator, who released a campaign video depicting himself heroically gunning down Democrats like Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, and Mark Kelly. Yes, the Mark Kelly whose wife survived an assassination attempt. The shittiness, like the cruelty, is the point.
Calling out this incitement to violence for what it was got yer beloved Cappie’s Twitter account permanently suspended, in case you’re wondering where I went. Lamon’s video remains proudly pinned to the top of his entirely unsanctioned profile.
Yeah, I’m sure Mitt Romney’s milquetoast finger-wagging’ll turn this tide. Pay no attention to Congresswoman Nancy Mace, as she shreds every remaining scrap of dignity, groveling for Tangerine Idi Amin’s withdrawn support; plenty of healthy democracies feature blind allegiance to racist game show hosts, you just don’t hear about ‘em in school on account of all the critical race theory.
The rampaging wingnut SCOTUS majority continued their assault on voting rights, once again abusing the shadow docket process to avoid public scrutiny, as Mitch McConnell’s cynical bargain with ascendant American fascism continues to pay dividends. Sure, there’s all this sectarian violence now, but hey, Yertle got his judges.
You’ll no doubt be stunned to learn Sarah Palin is making an ass of herself at that sad little trial where she’s trying to squeeze rent money out of the New York Times. She likened her sorry scam to a David-and-Goliath struggle, apparently believing the sling is somehow a metaphor for frivolous litigation? Biblical literacy was never evangelicals’ strongest suit.
Speaking of low-IQ grifters, Marjorie Taylor Greene popped by just long enough to bemoan Nancy Pelosi’s “gazpacho” tactics, and the downside to my once-weekly posting schedule is every possible soup gag has been flogged to atoms by now. Therefore, I am regretfully unable to deliver a punchline in this paragraph; you may return any unused portion for a full refund.
Anyway, looks like we’ve got a fun weekend ahead of us, waiting to see just how far Putin’s willing to go to prove to NATO that his dick still works. Another great big “fuck you” to whoever granted us such interesting times in which to live.
Okay, folks. I gotta figure out what to do about this Twitter thing, and I’ve got a couple different IPAs in the fridge that aren’t gonna drink themselves, so I’ll sign off here, before any wars start. Stay safe out there, my friends.
*Imagine the raw, Nazi sewage Kinzinger must get in his inbox, every single day. Just imagine.
I Got Yer Legitimate Political Discourse RIGHT HERE (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Y’know, the way I sorta judge how things’re going in this country boils down to, “is there more Nazi shit going on than last week, or less?” and I tell you, folks, since that fateful escalator ride what seems like a fucking century ago, the answer hasn’t been “less” once. Not once. Well, shucks, may as well grab a drink and join me for a few nervous chuckles at all the zany, zany ways 21st century America refuses to learn history’s clearest lessons…wheeeeeeee.
(Longing for links n’ shiny colors? Fret not, click here: https://showercapblog.com/i-got-yer-legitimate-political-discourse-right-here/)
BUT FIRST…move over, Omicron, it’s time for the other plague menacing humanity to run wild, and though this particular variant was 100% made in the USA, I’m sure Rand Paul will still figure out some way to blame China. I’m speaking, of course, of Tantrum-Throwing Manchildren Demanding the Right to Spread a Disease That’s Killed Millions.
(This is all coming on the heels of a new study showing the unvaccinated are 23 times more likely to be hospitalized with Covid than those of us who don’t have skulls full of hornets and rat turds, and how fun is it to live in a society where absolutely no one expects data that clear to change anyone’s behavior, because a certain political party decided it would be a good idea to brainwash their base into despising science?)
Egged on by the shittiest propagandists on the planet, the Freedumb Convoy descended upon Ottawa, bringing with them all the familiar hallmarks of MAGA “culture;” the Just Because We Lost the Election Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Have to Do What We Want petulance, the vandalism and violence, and of course, the odd swastika. (Stealing food from the homeless was a nifty innovation, though.) I suppose it was only a matter of time before America started exporting our least welcome, apparently endlessly renewable resource: racist asshats.
God knows we’ve got a surplus domestically. Hey, if any of you shitbag Canuck truckers feel like taking a couple dozen Orlando Nazis off our hands, I’m willing to pay shipping and handling. Yeah, a puny gathering of the master race’s finest (by which I mean a handful of skeezeballs who fell off the evolutionary ladder into the waiting arms of the ugly tree, with numerous intermediate collisions) hung their shitty little swastika flags from an overpass, right alongside the latest MAGA catchphrase, almost as though the Venn diagram of the two ideologies were a fucking circle.
Of course, the Real Victim Here™️ is Ron DeSantis, who not only declined to condemn the VIOLENT NAZI RALLY until he was cornered, on camera, by reporters, but used the occasion to melt down into the sorriest, self-pitying whingefest this side of a Trump monologue. This was after his Chief Executive Troll, excuse me, his “Press Secretary” theorized the whole thing was a false flag operation designed to make him look bad. Gosh, kids, what is it about a Nazi mob that would make a Republican politician look bad?
Could it be that what’s left of your “platform” resembles nothing so much as the Letters to Santa section on Stormfront? The Michigan state Senate candidate urging followers to “show up armed” to the polls, ready to terrorize voters and sabotage election equipment? The steady campaign of racially inflammatory stochastic terrorism, leading to a wave of bomb threats targeting historically Black colleges and universities this week? All of the above?
I dunno, maybe it has something to do with all the white nationalist extremists who tried to murder Congress last January 6th? You know, the ones a certain Deposed Dotard once again proposes pardoning?
If his latest hate rally is any indication, Off-Brand Orbán has plans to substantially expand the clemency list, should he find himself once more in the position to abuse that particular power. WILL NO ONE RID ME OF THESE MEDDLESOME PROSECUTORS? he asked the howling horde, SERIOUSLY I AM GUILTY AS FUCK AND I’VE RUN OUT OF LAWYERS.
And so Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis, who is investigating the criminal conspiracy to overturn election results in Georgia, has been forced to seek FBI protection from bloodthirsty fanatics who’ve been promised legal immunity should they decide to take matters into their own hands, and I’m not saying American democracy is perilously unhealthy or anything, but if it were a supporting character in a movie, it would have coughing fits every time it appeared on screen.
Not so very long ago, Robert LaMay was a bonfide MAGA superstar, a former Washington state trooper who famously told Governor Jay Inslee just where he could stick his vaccine mandate. HOWEVER, recently, Covid-19 dropped by to tell Robert LaMay just where he could stick his proudly-unvaccinated self*, and suddenly the right wing media is no longer interested in his story, fancy that. Simple omission often does the lion’s share of disinformation’s work, and no doubt the death cult faithful will go right on believing Bob’s a lib-owning machine, instead of, y’know, a corpse.
I’m probably going to need a whole spin-off blog, just to keep up with the ten thousand individual bonfires of the American Right’s book-burning inferno. I could call it Shower Cap’s CensorShip of Fools, whaddya think?
Because now that conservatives have coalesced, with terrifying speed, around the insidious idea that it should be illegal to teach children that racism ever existed, it’s open season on any and all literature to the left of the goddamn Turner Diaries. Bye bye, To Kill a Mockingbird! Onto the pyre, Toni Morrison! Why, some bold innovators on the cutting edge of white supremacist thought control hope to seize the moment and do away with Black History Month. Oh, and I guess there must be some sort of Critical LGBTQ Theory out there, too, or have we already moved on to the “no excuses necessary” phase of the expurgation?
Norlin Mommsen, who is not, as his name implies, a hobbit too surly and unpleasant to score an invite to Bilbo’s birthday party, but rather an Iowa State Representative, proposed legislation to install cameras in every classroom, in order to livestream and record every moment of every child’s schooling. While this is an absolutely batshit idea, Mommsen’s mad little plot has, for obvious reasons, already earned the support of the GOP’s influential pedophile wing.
And for anyone who’s actually bamboozled by the ridiculous, herky-jerky dance of plausible deniability that dominates the discourse in our terminally silly political culture, there’s always “pastor” Greg Locke, who threw a literal book-burning, because the loser god he worships can’t handle kids reading Harry Potter or Twilight. I bet Locke’s god gets picked on by all the other gods…massive, celestial wedgies and whatnot.
As Moscow’s elected representative in the United States Senate, Josh Hawley was only doing his job when he submissively parroted Vlad Putin’s talking points on Ukraine, but…wait, what? Missouri? Are you sure? Huh. Well, that’s much more difficult to justify, then. What an absolute buttcrust.
I feel like there’s always some GOP institution or other performing some bizarre ritual shunning of Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, and, well, they did it again, the RNC this time. That’ll teach you apostates to (checks notes) oppose terrorist violence! Excuse me, I mean “legitimate political discourse,” which is what Ronna NotRomney and co. call erecting gallows/smashing windows/smearing poo on the walls/assaulting and injuring 140 cops. Anyway, I just figured out how I’m gonna make my first million: Republican-to-English dictionaries! “Legitimate political discourse,” eat my ass, you fascist creeps.
Well, Rudy Giuliani’s quest to locate absolute zero on the dignity-o-meter led him to an appearance on the cultural trainwreck known as the Masked Singer, and honestly, I’m thinking about offering him twelve dollars in nickels to work the dunk tank at my next birthday party.
What else, what else…oh shit. Might wanna double Mike Pants’ Secret Service detail.
Condolences to the crew over at Fux Nooz, who had a great big party planned to celebrate what they hoped would be a terrible jobs report, only to have the Biden Boom jump out of the cake and piss in their Ovaltine. Alas, even Rupert can’t spin 6.6 million jobs created in one short year as failure.
In fairness, the Biden Administration is responsible for one currently unfilled job…in ISIS’ leadership. Shit, Smilin’ Joe’s on such a roll, he’s even picking a fight with cancer, just for funsies.
Well, I hope you have enjoyed this week’s edition of Shower Cap’s Blog; please set the device upon which you read it ablaze, and report to the nearest reeducation camp. Or maybe get to work on the GODDAMN MIDTERMS, before that kind of thing becomes mandatory, hmmmmmmmmmm? Stay safe out there, my friends…
*What am I, a theologian? Please don’t look to a drunken, middle-aged, white dude in a bathrobe and luchador mask for answers to the big questions, people.
I Never Expected Ascendant Fascism to be So Very, Very Stupid, Chapter LXXXIV (Ferret/Shower Cap!)
Look you guys, our Republican brothers and sisters just want to burn books, disenfranchise minorities, roll back women’s rights and LGBTQ rights, gun political opponents down in the streets, and make it illegal to bruise their fragile fee-fees by suggesting any of the above is fascist bullshit. Like, why do I even blog?
(Visit my blog site to get this post in living color, with all kindsa nifty nooz links: https://showercapblog.com/i-never-expected-ascendant-fascism-to-be-so-very-very-stupid-chapter-lxxxiv/)
Before we get started, I just want to say something to Aaron Rodgers real quick. Hey bro, I can’t speak for anybody else, but I didn’t cheer your playoff loss because of your (idiotic, blatantly incorrect) vaccination views. I cheered your playoff loss because of your pathetic, incessant whining. For the love of God, QUITCHER BITCHIN, you fucking toddler.
Like, if you were to suggest Drano as a tasty, healthy alternative to fatty salad dressings, you would be wrong in a similarly harmful way, and it would be perfectly acceptable, in fact quite important for decent folks to point that out, lest some star-struck young Packers fan follow his idol’s advice and chug a bottle of liquid death.
“It’s like the HOLOCAUST,” they yowl, “You’re HOLOCAUSTING me!” Nah, kids, we’re just pointing out that you’re wrong, because you are. Being told that you’re wrong has literally nothing in common with being sent to a death camp. In fact, going forward, y’all could use that as a test of sorts, before you compare your treatment to the Holocaust: “Am I in a death camp, or did someone just disagree with me?” Try it out, I think you’ll find this standard clarifying.
This is why the discourse in this country is so fucked, y’know? Take the already toxic combination of anti-intellectualism and bothsidesism, season it with the pervasive fetishization of victimhood, and what could you possibly wind up with but Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson, the living avatars of white boy mediocrity, shitting directly into each other’s ears for four and half hours?
Personally, I don’t see how anyone can watch that pair of braying jackasses blather without rolling their eyes at the unmistakable Loudest, Least Interesting Dudes at Every College Party Ever energy, but then you look up the size of their audiences, and you visualize whole legions of the subpar, nodding along at home as Peterson muses, “climate isn’t, like, even a THING, maaaaaaaan,” and you weep until your tear ducts disintegrate. Left untreated, Dunning-Kruger syndrome can prove fatal on a civilization-wide level, and this Rogan variant looks particularly virulent.
First they came for the sexy M&M’s, and I did not speak out, because I was not a skeevy weirdo who massages his genitals while gazing upon anthropomorphized candy. Then, they put Minnie Mouse in a pantsuit, and I locked my doors and boarded up my windows, because few words trigger a stronger Pavlovian rage response in America’s increasingly terrorism-curious right wing than “pantsuit.”
…all of which would be funnier if it didn’t provide such useful grist for the wingnut media bubble’s radicalization mill. THE FUCKABLE CARTOON CHARACTERS OF YOUR YOUTH ARE BEING STOLEN FROM YOU, Tucker Carlson bellows, and once he's captured the rubes’ attention with the latest Two Minutes Hate, he fills every primed skull with poison.
And that’s how we wound up with deranged nincompoops bombarding elected officials with calls demanding the United States government take Vlad Putin’s side as he menaces Ukraine militarily. AND BY THE WAY, they screech, PASS A LAW THAT SAYS EVERY M&M’S COMMERCIAL HAS TO BE 45 SECONDS OF THE RED ONE RAW-DOGGING THE GREEN ONE!!!!!
See, that’s what the GOP took away from the Trump era: there is no lie too big, no propaganda too Ernest Goes to Nuremberg moronic for their feral base to blindly swallow, so long as it offers fresh excuses to fear and despise those they disagree with politically. Which is how you wind up with “concerned parents” and even local Republican officials throwing indignant shitfits because they have inflicted so much damage to their own brains that they actually believe public schools are so goshdarn woke nowadays that they’re providing KITTY LITTER for children who identify as furries.
That’s REAL, folks. Watch the video. That lady sees herself as a bonafide goddamn hero, liberating America’s youth from the tyranny of shitting in boxes.
In many ways, Noot Gingrich is the Godfather of American Fascism, and he’s clearly in a hurry to get to the camps-n’-armbands phase, as his contract with Satan approaches its maturity date. Yeah, the decrepit little goose-stepper wants to lock up the whole dang January 6th Select Committee, because it is of course illegal to investigate, let alone punish acts of terrorist violence, provided said acts are perpetrated in the name of institutional white supremacy, under the We Were Totally Kidding About That ‘Equality’ Thing Act of 1882.
That committee, by the way, is looking into all kindsa fun stuff these days, such as the alleged plot to use the military to seize voting machines, and the boneheaded scheme to somehow smuggle fake electors into the certification process without anybody noticing, both totally legitimate under the Graham/Johnson Seriously No One Else is Allowed to Be in Charge bill, which stalled in committee, because Ron Johnson was tasked with drafting, and he does not know how to read or write.
Since his old boss refuses to pay the doubtlessly substantial stack of legal bills accumulated during his global crime spree/slow-motion self-immolation, cousin-fucking cousin-fucker Rudy Giuliani is now selling autographed 9/11 t-shirts for the low, low price of…nine hundred and eleven dollars, GET IT? I figure Rudes is about six weeks away from biting the heads off chickens for quarters in Marjorie Taylor Greene’s backyard.
The censorship craze sweeping MAGA nation led a Tennessee school board to ban Art Spielgelman’s Pulitzer-winning masterwork, MAUS, cuz we can’t have schoolchildren learning radical left-wing lessons like “Nazism is bad,” or “the Holocaust happened.” If you’ll permit me to extrapolate from the old expression, those who work to eradicate the truth about the past are absolutely horny to repeat it.
Down in DeSantistan, Republicans’re piggybacking on the prevailing critical race theory panic to also outlaw any positive discussion of LGBTQ folks in schools, because it’s just more efficient to burn all the books at once; you don’t want to have to keep making trips to the store for more lighter fluid, especially during a pandemic, though of course the pandemic is a Soros-funded false flag op.
The proposed legislation’s increasingly-familiar enforcement mechanism empowers parents to sue should their child be exposed to any points of view that deviate from Westboro Baptist’s. Got that? Toe the party line on anti-gay bigotry, or the state will drain your bank account directly into any eager homophobe’s pocket. I guess Republicans aren’t quite so opposed to the redistribution of wealth as I’ve been led to believe.
Freshly inaugurated Reichskommissar Glenn Youngkin is pulling the same type of shit, setting up a sinister little email snitch line, where any seething Klansman can complain, “I saw Goody Proctor teaching critical race theory!” I haven’t read the fine print, but I believe this only applies to families whose children survive Glenn’s fervent attempts to spread the coronavirus to every corner of every school in Virginia.
Incidentally, with the latest wave beginning to subside, the Covid news has mostly been encouraging. Mostly*. Regrettably, it’s turned out that Regeneron’s monoclonal antibody treatment is ineffective against the Omicron variant. Even Regeneron says so. In an even marginally sane society, we’d simply say “dang, that’s unfortunate,” and administer treatments that do work, but since so many of our compatriots have adopted a petulance-based belief system, we are once again walking the bleach/livestock dewormer/your own piss path.
(For certain segments of the American populace, there is no more effective advertising technique than doctors and scientists saying “this will not cure Covid.” I have an uncle who finally got out from under an ill-timed investment in the fleeting fidget spinner craze by painting his stock MAGA-hat red, and strategically posting “Dr. Fauci calls claims that ten minutes of fidget spinning daily is thirty times more effective at preventing coronavirus spread than vaccination ‘fucking batshit’,” on a handful of pro-Trump subreddits.)
Anyway, the FDA pulled emergency approval for the treatment, because, again, research shows it does not work. Naturally, Ron DeSantis, for reasons which surely have nothing to do with one of his biggest donors’ substantial investment in Regeneron, demands the Biden Administration reverse course, so that he can order Florida hospitals to pump patients full of a useless-but-expensive medication rather than anything that might actually restore them to health. For this, and other similarly homicidal behaviors, many Republicans feel DeSantis should be President. Sleep tight.
Bad news, everyone; Joe Biden is EXACTLY AS BAD AS DONALD TRUMP, for he did call propaganda-spewing nitwit Peter Doocy a “stupid son of a bitch,” which is quite a bit like calling a hat a hat. Still, the crowd that stood silently by as Tangerine Idi Amin incited violence targeting journalists every motherfucking day for five years suddenly remembered the First Amendment exists.
Folks, Peter Doocy is not a journalist. He’s not there to report news, he’s there to make it. His job, and I suppose he does it as well as a fellow with six ounces of curdled potato salad for a brain can, is to insert the agreed-upon right-wing talking points into the White House daily press briefing. Propagandists masquerading as journalists don’t deserve the protections granted to the free press, because, well, LOOK WHAT THEY’VE FUCKING DONE WITH THEM. Shit, Republicans call themselves all sorts of things. Reporters. Christians. Patriots.
When Smilin’ Joe isn’t busy crushing dissenting speech, or delivering growth at levels unseen in decades, he likes to unwind by brainstorming exciting new ways to persecute America’s most-oppressed subgroup: white dudes. And now, Justice Stephen Breyer’s retirement provides Biden with the perfect opportunity to fulfill a campaign pledge, to mail taxpayer-funded SCOTUS rejection letters to every single Caucasian male in the nation, reading NOT YOU LOSER HAW HAW HAW EAT MY ASS.
For a guy openly fantasizing about skipping to the head of the House committee chair line, Matt Gaetz sure does have a whole lotta former associates cooperating with the federal probe into allegations he trafficked minors for sex. That list, which already included an ex-girlfriend, now features a brand-new creep who can apparently corroborate megacreep Joel Greenberg’s testimony that Gaetz paid money to rape a teenager, so maybe there’s still time to get your deposit back on that gavel-wielding class, you walking turd.
Good gravy, what a massive pile of flaming hippo shit this week was. We got any good news? The Bidens got a cat, I see. Guess that’ll have to tide y’all over. Jesus. Stay safe out there, my friends, it’s…lordy, it’s somethin’. Fuck. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
*Outside of the 2,000 daily deaths, of course. Man, wouldn’t it be great if we had a vaccine or three for this terrible, terrible disease?
Hey, I Think My Blog's About to Become Illegal in Florida, Neat! (Ferret)
It’s been one of those fuck-you-for-living-here winter weeks in Chicago, and since Omicron hasn’t quite moved on, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to crawl under some fluffy-ass blankets, and experiment with hot cocktails. Despite such lovely intentions, between the shrill, unceasing squeak of my apartment building’s heating unit, pulsing Edgar Allan Poe-ly outside my office window, and the steady stream of wingnut fuckery in my news feed, I have instead gone quite mad. The toddies have been nice, however.
(This post awaits with cutting-edge technology like “color” and “links” here: https://showercapblog.com/hey-i-think-my-blogs-about-to-become-illegal-in-florida-neat/)
Before we dive into the deep end of the septic tank, let’s pop by the demented day care center known as the “House Republican Conference” real quick, shall we? Ah. I see Dan Crenshaw pitched a fit at a 10-year-old girl, Madison Cawthorn figured a Veterans’ Affairs Committee hearing was an appropriate setting to fiddle with his firearm, and Lauren Boebert hilariously accused a group of Jewish visitors to the Capitol of conducting “reconnaissance.”
…America, as you flirt with the idea of handing control of the United States government to this meth lab clown show, just…I mean, caveat freaking emptor, y’know?
A welcome victory in the war against disinformation, as the odious hate-mongers of One America “News” Network got booted off DirecTV, a potentially cataclysmic deplatforming. Good. Fuck you. Say hi to Milo Yiannopoulos for me, when you finally hit pavement in whatever slum of obscurity you shitbags wind up in once you’ve lost the ability to monetize your bile. Hey, DO FOX NEXT.
I hope the future alien anthropologists picking through the ruins of our garbage civilization make note of the annual right-wing ritual observed this week; the ceremonial contortion of Martin Luther King Jr. quotes by the growing-more-white-supremacist-daily Republican Party is, in my opinion, perhaps the most fascinating of 21st-century conservatism’s admittedly primitive traditions.
Like…who do y’all think you’re fooling?* Even Mitch McConnell, who’s normally a Jedi master when it comes to keeping the bullshit straight, can’t stop himself from stamping an asterisk onto the end of the term “African-American.” You fucks can butcher public school curriculums wherever you’re able, but you cannot conceal what you’ve become. “Racism isn’t real HEY PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE UNAPOLOGETIC WHITE NATIONALISTS IN OUR CAUCUS.”
Still, they’re really betting heavy on this critical race theory tantrum, aren’t they? On a certain level, I respect the honesty of confessing the only way to create new generations of Republican voters is to indoctrinate children with ridiculous falsehoods, but it’s still straight-up Nazi shit. Don’t forget that.
I mean, Ol’ Glenn Youngkin planted that fashy little flag on day one. “In MY state, we LIE to our kids!” sez Glenn. Good thing Election Day happened to land right in the middle of that two-week inflation scare, now this malicious dolt gets to be Governor for four whole years. Oh, and say goodbye to blue state Covid rules, (the ones that, y’know…work) let’s give the Tate Reeves approach a try; it’s bread n’ funerals, not circuses, a death cult craves.
And down in DeSantistan, the Fuck Your Feelings Party is attempting to outlaw the truth, wheresoever the truth might make any individual white person feel “discomfort” or “guilt,” (though I’m sure, when the replacement propaganda causes “discomfort” in non-white students and parents, they’ll be treated equally under the law. Y’know, like with stand your ground.) because there ain’t no fascist whinier than an American fascist.
I see a group of former Trumpworld enablers n’ collaborators have banded together to “strategize” ways to keep a certain flushed turd from clawing his way back up from the sewer. While the names associated with this movement (John Kelly, Stephanie Grisham, John Bolton, the goddamn Mooch) tend to bring out my Who Farted in Church After First Eating Six Pounds of Yak Rectums face, I certainly wish them well in this endeavor**.
The Supreme Court, those ingrates, will merrily strip reproductive rights from millions of women without batting an eye, but when their ol’ pal Donnie (who stole a couple of ‘em their very jobs) needs help shredding a little evidence, suddenly everybody but Clarence Thomas is “washing their hair,” or “laughing at the idiot manchild who never grasped how everyone around him was using him.”
And while the Deposed Dotard’s instincts on nearly every aspect of the human condition, from What Championship Athletes Eat to How to Wear Pants, tend towards the buffoonish, on this one, I have to admit, the impulse to conceal these particular documents was spot freakin’ on.
Cuz about ten seconds after the National Archives released that shit, we got a look at an absolutely chilling draft executive order, directing the seizure of voting machines by the Defense Department, making Sydney Krakhead Powell a Special Counsel to “investigate” the election, like some dipshit mirror universe Bob Mueller, and appointing Stephen Miller Duke of Wisconsin.
There were also, just for laffs, some unused “Remarks on National Healing,” in case Donald Trump decided to throw in the towel and do the right thing for once. I suppose, at such heights, the line between optimism and delusion gets blurry.
ANYHOO, even as SCOTUS tightened one of the many the vises clamped to Off-Brand Orbán’s withered, dusty nutsack, an Atlanta district attorney asked a judge to convene a grand jury in her own investigation of the whole “criminal attempt to overthrow the democratically-elected government” thing. Now, I don’t know what sort of lawyers are left once you’ve blown through the Rudy Giulianis and Lin Woods of the world, but I can’t imagine you want them representing you under such circumstances. Tee hee.
A wave of terror descended upon Washington D.C.’s thriving cocaine dealer community, following news that Kimberly Guilfoyle’s cellphone records had been subpoenaed by th’feds. Eric’s, too; and you know that boy’s phone is 1/3rd seditious conspiracy, 1/3rd kiddie porn, and 1/3rd Google searches for shit like “can you pick your nose so hard you puncture your brain?”
Sifting through the wreckage of the dying days of the Turd Reich…I get it, it’s necessary, but it’s like staring directly into the puckered butthole of madness. The very worst human beings alive, who are also somehow the dumbest (thank god), flailing around in a state of hysteria, willing to commit any crime in order to cling to power. Actively in search of such crimes, in fact. The more we learn about what these scumbags were thinking and saying to each other at the time, the more I want to just scream my throat raw.
Like, we got to see Sean Hannity’s text message exchanges with Kayleigh McEnany from the Stoopid Coo. Now, McEnany was the White House Press Secretary, part of the President’s inner circle. Oval Office access. And Hannity, for the unfamiliar, is an unimpressive white fellow who says foolish things on television. I guess what I’m getting at is WHY THE FUCK WAS SEAN GOAT-FELLATING HANNITY IN CONTACT WITH THE WHITE HOUSE DURING A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS?
I suppose the gameshowification of American politics was always destined to end in phone-a-friend insurrection. But how much better do you sleep now, knowing there’s nobody left in the executive branch bellowing GET ME HANNITY when shit goes down?
Speaking of Hairplug Himmler’s elite crisis management team, seems Rudy G…hang on, I want to get this right, it says he “oversaw (the) fake electors plot in 7 states.” Now, that feels like the sort of headline that should take up the whole top half of the paper, doesn’t it? “President’s lawyer led criminal conspiracy to steal presidency?” But it wasn’t, and somewhere, Steve Bannon nods approvingly, telling some lurking henchman, “that’s why you flood the zone with shit.”
Anyway, somebody should probably arrest Rudy by now, right? Or, it’s probably more useful to just tap his phone and let him run wild; he does have a talent for entangling people in interesting crimes.
Ok. I have to go mourn Meat Loaf now. I know, I know…believe me, I KNOW. Let me just say, there’s been a lotta Loaf on in the background over the years, during the composition of these little rants. You stay safe out there, friends.
*Ok, fine, Candace Owens and who else?
**But DON’T GIVE THEM MONEY. Share their shit, sure; save your money for Democrats. Maybe McMullin, if he looks competitive.
BREAKING: Persecuted Republicans Forced to Drink Own Piss in Underground "Speakeasies" (Ferret)
A year after the Stoopid Coup, Trumpism has congealed into its current, chewed gum-like state; an amorphous wad of god-knows-what unnatural toxins, which we can no longer seem to avoid, on our casual strolls down democracy’s sidewalks, or our absentminded probings of the undersides of decency’s desks and counters; always unpleasant, though perhaps no longer surprising.
(A much fancier version awaits those bold enough to click here: https://showercapblog.com/breaking-persecuted-republicans-forced-to-drink-own-piss-in-underground-speakeasies/)
So, Republicans’re all excited, because their hard turn towards authoritarianism means one of their very favorite activities, book-burning, is back on the table. That’s what the whole, phony “critical race theory” panic is for, right? Trouble is, you’re still not allowed to SAY you want to burn books, and they’re just not bright enough to thread that needle, which is actually a fairly common shortcoming in the book-burning crowd, for reasons which I’m sure remain obscure.
ANYWAY, they’re so clumsy when it comes to concealing their true, long-term goals (in this case, a massive, eternal bonfire, forever annihilating every dissenting voice, past, present, or future) that they frequently wind up like Indiana state Senator Scott Baldwin, pullin’ down big time headlines for suggesting schoolteachers take it easier on Nazism, in the interest of “impartiality.” Can’t let the mask* slip like that, bro.
Look at how much better Ron DeSantis is at staying within the lines of plausible deniability, as he pitches his latest proposed assault on the First Amendment and objective reality. When Ron suggests deputizing every internet-addled crank with too much free time (just like that batshit abortion law in Texas) to hunt down and punish thoughtcrime in public schools, he justifies it by claiming that to teach children that racism exists is to indoctrinate them to “hate America,“ and while that’s some straight Iron Curtain shit, he gets away with it, because he doesn’t trumpet the fact that he got the idea from the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Totalitarianism. You takin’ notes, Baldwin?
By the way, the Virginia GOP’s version of this horseshit was apparently drafted by prominent scholars of American history who believe Abraham Lincoln debated Frederick Douglass, (ABOUT WHAT, YOU FUCKHEADS?) and I’m proposing legislation that would require federal, state, and local lawmakers to pass a modest selection of the tests administered to our nation’s assorted seventh graders before they’re allowed to even fucking think about changing education laws.
Gym Jordan, who has been known to bleat defiantly at confused passersby that he has “nothing to hide” from the January 6th commission, announced his intention to hide, if he’s able, from the January 6th commission. You gotta admit, the creep stays on-brand; if a situation presents any opportunity, however fleeting or slight, to demonstrate moral cowardice, James Daniel Jordan will find it, and while I don’t believe lawmaking is a good fit for this personality type, I’m sure there’s a spot for him in the next Alien movie.
I see Kevin McCarthy is already publicly fantasizing about the fun, fashy abuses he’s got planned for that speaker’s gavel. He’s gonna evict multiple Democratic congressmen from their committees, y’see, in revenge for (QAnon lunatic) Marjorie Taylor Greene and (open white nationalist) Paul Gosar, who were stripped of their own assignments for, lest we forget, inciting violence against their fellow elected representatives of the American people.
Hey, remember when “you shouldn’t try to get your coworkers murdered by crazy people” was an uncontroversial statement, a bipartisan belief? Wasn’t so very long ago. But from the Trump White House to Kyle Rittenhouse, Republicans have put a whole lotta work in, normalizing violence as a viable, even necessary political tactic, and it’s clear they’re going to make us pry that nasty new corner of the Overton window out of their brain dead hands.
Like, didja catch Rand Paul’s shitty shenanigans this week? He was doing that thing he does, by which I mean rotating Anthony Fauci, one of the mob’s very favorite targets, back into the crosshairs of the Two Minutes Hate. The good doctor made the eminently reasonable request that Senator Paul cut it out with the incendiary falsehoods that have led to death threats and harassment targeted not just himself, but his family. (Oh, and also maybe stop fundraising off the whole thing, you sociopathic taintwart.)
And watch Rand. Really fuckin’ watch his response, as a fellow human being tells him his behavior led directly to a barrage of death threats. It’s about halfway between “Don’t care” and “Yep, and one of ‘em’ll get you one of these days, too.”
That’s who Rand Paul is. That is 100% of what you need to understand about Rand Paul. And ignore it at your peril, by the way.
If you’re unable to afford a Rand Paul of your own, may I suggest Kansas’ Roger Marshall as a passable generic knockoff, with his cringey, attention-seeking “FAUCI Act?” Jesus, Roger, you’re not even a good troll. Moron.
So, the latest wingnut miracle cure for Covid is Drinking Your Own Piss, and I’m only surprised it took us two years to get here. While I haven’t formally conducted the polling, I’m fairly certain there’s not one person left in this country with the energy to stop these tantrum-throwing fuckwits from ingesting materials their own bodies released as waste, (biology, like all the major sciences, is for cucks) so keep on chuggin’ pee, kids, I’ve heard you own a dozen libs with every sweet, sweet drop.
…have we heard any “somebody punched a doctor for refusing to hook their Covid-stricken spouse’s catheter directly into their IV bag” stories yet? Give it a couple weeks.
We got a fun look at the documents Team Treasonweasel used in their Trojan Horse But Dumb plot to replace seven states’ legitimate election results with Folgers Crystals, or three fascist toddlers in a trench coat, or just Junior n’ Eric, bleeding from the lip after attaching fake mustaches with staples. If this clown brigade ever filters the piss guzzlers out of leadership, we’re gonna be in trouble.
Rolling Stone reports the Big Lie, that tumor spreading through the body politic, receives crucial financing from the wealthiest right-wing megadonors around, including our old friends in the DeVos family. I’m told Betsy wants to see American democracy die during her lifetime so badly, she’s redirected funds slated for cosmetic upgrades to as many as three of her yachts; truly it’s that sort of sacrifice that made this nation great.
Congratulations go out to domestic terror cell leader Stewart Rhodes, who’ll encounter all kinds of fun new oaths to keep as he makes his way through the criminal justice system, thanks to his shiny new SEDITIOUS CONSPIRACY CHARGES, stemming from his role in the Capitol Riot. Rhodes helpfully provided prosecutors a digital paper trail as sturdy as it is damning, so expect him to skip directly to the long legal struggle to win the religious freedom to drink piss in federal prison.
One of Rhodes’ co-conspirators in the plot to violently overthrow the American government turns out to be a regular on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour, a useful reminder that the most-watched show on cable literally platforms terrorists in its ongoing effort to radicalize the white nationalist mass murderers of tomorrow. (When it’s not the staging ground for the ritual debasement of any U.S. Senators who dare deviate from death cult doctrine, of course.)
Well, the radical, unhinged, and incidentally stolen SCOTUS majority snickeringly stripped the Biden Administration of important pandemic-fighting powers, heroically preserving the right of amoral crotchmaggots to undermine public health policy through malicious gaslighting, because if there’s one thing the Founding Fathers hated with a fury that shook the very powder from their wigs, it’s Americans surviving when they could be dying instead.
Hey, has anybody else noticed the steady trickle of redistricting news has been…actually pretty good? Accompanied by some sharp shifts in the ol’ Generic Congressional? And now this latest ruling, from Ohio, has gotta leave you more excited than ever to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, right? I mean, yeah, a lot of the fundamentals are against us, but we’re also just a variant away from a blowout, so…I mean, as the saying goes, “never interrupt your enemy when he is, for whatever reason, pounding carpentry nails into his own forehead.”
Good gravy. Well, as much fun as this was, this particular frog is jumping out of the boiling water for the time being, if only to grab a cold beer from the fridge. I fucking well deserve it. And so do you, actually. Pick your poison and get your weekend started, friend, that’s what I say. Unless your poison’s piss. Oh heck, imbibe what you want, it’s a free country! Just stay safe out there…
*Hood
Ted Cruz's Self-Respect, and Other Myths (Ferret)
I never know what to get anyone for insurrection anniversaries. I imagine the Senate Republican Conference is already up to its collective jowlsy gullet in pocket Constitutions, which doubtless remain unread anyway. Maybe just a picture frame? I can think of a few images those enabling fucks should be forced to look at every single day for the rest of their lives…
(Who knows what shiny colors and/or insightful nooz links await ye at this link: https://showercapblog.com/ted-cruzs-self-respect-and-other-myths/)
Anyway, congratulations everyone, on surviving one entire year of the feeblest imaginable gaslighting, perpetrated by the occupants of the sulfurous, subpar cloud of white rage that lingers around the vanquished husk of Donald John Trump like an overcooked steak fart. One whole year of the American Right piling lie upon lie, compounding their every mistake, and failing to learn a single fucking thing about anything.
(This space left intentionally blank to accommodate confetti and noisemakers)
Actually, I’m writing this on the 7th, the one-year anniversary of Betsy DeVos’ principled resignation from the lynch-mob-inciting Turd Reich in freefall, and goddamn if that way-too-little, years-too-late, utterly hollow gesture didn’t turn out to be the high-water mark for Republican ethics in this age of domestic political violence.
Even discussing the issue with our conservative friends typically proves…trying. Like, I appreciate that keeping shit straight amidst your weird little cult’s perpetually-shifting, frequently contradictory shared delusions must be difficult, with the whole rotten tower teetering ever more precariously with each new collision with reality (that stubborn bastard), but it’s your choices that landed you there. The rest of us made better choices. Sorry.
Watching y’all from the outside, it’s mostly just half of you pissing on the other half’s legs while everyone snickeringly insists it’s raining, switching shifts every so often, with high-fives all around over the runaway success of your tricksy deception. You’re welcome to defect to our side at any point, by the way. It’s pretty great, here in reality; we’re much less likely to die of Covid, and nobody pees on us.
So, Marjorie Taylor Greene, perhaps the largest, loudest mouth on the Lovecraftian fleshwad horror the Republican Party has become, got herself permanently banned from Twitter, for the very good reason that she refused to stop spreading enormous, damaging lies about, among other things, the pandemic; a small, but important victory for the forces of health, light, and life. Perhaps we can finally move on from this silly, squawking, Nazi twit.
Ha ha NOPE, lucky for you, Marj, Kevin McCarthy simply cannot fucking figure out how to quit you. Despite your seemingly limitless capacity for obscenity, your Minority Leader will forever have your back, whatever backwoods Goebbels turd falls out of your fool mouth next, because K-Dawg came to the United States Congress to appease fascists and separate Starbursts for tenth-rate dictators, and he’s all outta Starbursts!
…having dumped candy duty on an intern.
One thing I’ve learned these past few years…the secret ingredient in the rise of fascism is cowards. Recipe goes, “Season with cowards liberally and often. Let simmer, applying additional cowards at regular intervals.”
Anyway.
Ohio Republican Senate candidate J.D. Vance, who I will remind you is somehow NOT THE CRAZY ONE in that race, responded to the eminently sensible deplatforming of a mendacious maniac by demanding social media companies be “crushed,” and in this humble blogger’s opinion, there should be fewer dudes in the Senate who talk like junior members of the Legion of Doom, not more.
Why is it so hard for the Republican Party to cut the fucking Nazis loose? I mean, we all know the answer, but it feels like something that should be asked out loud anyway. If we’re forced to endure the childish improv game Peter Doocy insists upon inflicting on Jen Psaki and the world, surely somebody can ask a few of these addled mediocrities to concisely describe the positive outcome they’re envisioning every time they yield another ten miles to their party’s brownshirt wing.
The tiger’s had its taste of human flesh, you can’t just put the genie back in the bottle here. It’s a…genie tiger, in this example...look, if you don’t like mixed metaphors, start your own fucking blog. You ain’t never had a friend like Donald Trump, is what I’m trying to say. These people don’t stop taking, it’s not in their nature. They will not be sated by the Sudetenland. DUH.
Left to their own devices, they will, in fact, literally gather under your party’s banner to offer prayers of gratitude to the treasonous scum that inflicted 140 casualties on Capitol law enforcement, as the Cobb County, GA GOP helpfully demonstrated. Honestly, what the fuck do you imagine happens AFTER the terrorist-worshipping rituals? I ask because Kyle Rittenhouse has become a walking, pockmarked, golden calf to your base.
Back on the steadily decaying institutional level, ol’ Johnny Isakson took one last hit for the team, offering his old caucusmates the excuse they desperately needed (his funeral) to be anywhere but Washington on the day the world reflected upon the Pandora’s Outhouse door they kicked open with their lies, greed, and fear-mongering. Oh, they sputtered out a sickly tweet or two, but dared not show their faces, for even now they understand history will know them as Those Who Were Tested and Found Mightily Fucking Wanting.
A perfectly good mint julep wound up spattered all over Senator Graham’s Mawmaw’s prized doilies, such was Lindsepher’s meticulously manufactured outrage at dastardly Joe Biden’s nefarious “politicization” of January 6th. Y’know, one of the cool things about being a Democrat is nobody requires clownish displays of blind loyalty to a pathological liar’s every passing fib. Incidentally, you shouldn’t give mint juleps to house pets, especially the frail, over-domesticated ones like Graham, it’s bad for them.
Stupefyingly, even after that choice bit of obsequiousness, Lindsey didn’t earn a single vote in the Cuck of the Week poll, because Rafael Edward Cruz just ran away with that shit. Teddy Boy is putting up Barry Bonds-like emasculation stats these days; he must be taking illegal, testosterone-diminishing drugs. When he spent four years suckling the buttocks of the cheap goon who insulted his wife and father, we thought we were witnessing the Ted Williams of sycophancy in his prime, but it turns out the guy was just getting warmed up.
Because holy shit, y’all. What Ted pulled on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour this week? It was his Guernica. A miracle of human achievement in the field of groveling. I fucking saw God.
If you happened to miss it, golly, you’re in for a treat. Get yourself a snack, you deserve it.
So, Tedward accidentally stumbled over just enough love of country to suggest in passing that terrorism is bad and ought not be encouraged, and when Carlson caught wind of that, he fuckin’ left work early to drag Ted to the woodshed. Tucker made Senator Cruz cut his own switch, you know what I’m saying?
And Ted sits there, live on the most watched news show on cable, and takes it and takes it and takes it, and begs for more. And on the level of watching one of the worst people alive debase himself, it’s certainly quality content. Trouble is, this is actually a phenomenally powerful human being, submitting, desperately and comprehensively, to the ringleader of a hate mob, and no fucking good will come of it. Once again, the secret ingredient is cowards.
After that…display, there’s not enough left of Cruz to spread on a Triscuit, and he thinks he can get elected President. Sad, sorry, old fop’s got one foot in the geek pit and doesn’t even know it yet.
Meanwhile, Ron Johnson thinks vaccines are a sacrilegious assault by arrogant scientists on God’s plan to weed out the weak with His Covid-y trowel, because while cowards make up the base of the dish, you want to sprinkle in a few mouth-breathing idiots, for flavor.
Thankfully, in the section of the federal government where the grownups work, Smilin’ Joe Biden put on his shitkickin’ boots, having previously procured matching sets of shitkickin’ boots for the speechwriting staff, and told a certain Deposed Dotard precisely where he can stick his Big Lie, which is up his loser bum, which lost by how many million votes by the way? Was it seven? It was, wasn’t it? It was SEVEN MILLION VOTES you lost by, loser.
It was kind of Joe to make time to throw those elbows, since he’s been pretty busy lately, repairing the damage a certain overmatched manchild inflicted to the American economy. And, lookin’ at the numbers, he’s doin’ a fine job of it, too.
Like a TikTok influencer angling the side of the energy drink can with the logo towards the camera, Tangerine Idi Amin offered up his vastly-diminished platform to Hungarian strongman Viktor Orbán, endorsing the petty thug’s “re-election campaign,” which really ought to tell you everything you need to know about the Americans he backs, don’tcha think?
And rest in peace the “Cyber Ninjas,” a shadowy cabal of Big Lie-spreading grifters that now disappears into the great wingnut beyond, taking centuries of bamboo fiber detection expertise with them. What a loss.
As fucked up as shit gets in Washington, at least we can take comfort that Congress is now, and shall remain, a Nunes-free zone. With so many of these treacherous weasels shielded by fash-friendly gerrymanders, I say it’s well worth celebrating any time we pry one of ‘em off the machinery of government. (Extends Tank 7 tallboy for cheers clink)
Well, despite the best efforts of a veritable legion of asshats, we held onto the ol’ republic for another whole year, not too shabby. Lotta work ahead on that front, I’m afraid, so, y’know…get some rest. And, as always, stay safe out there, friends…
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 630
