I feel this one all the way.

The song goes: "My future's so bright... I gotta wear shades".

Well, my future is so dark I need a searchlight. That hit me while listening to that song on the radio the other day. It also got me thinking... was my future ever bright? From this perspective, I would say it never was and I was delusional to think it ever would be.

So, tomorrow is the day I will put up the holiday stuff.

I will play some appropriate music and make the house look festive. And, then I will sit here in a daze and wonder why I bothered, since no one here will give a rats ass and although I love the trappings, the holiday itself has been a reminder of pain and misery for a long time now. I guess I do it for myself so that I can feel somewhat 'normal' for the month. One thing I will do, which I have always done, is leave it all up until after January 6th, not for recent events, but because that is 'Old Christmas' which is still celebrated around my home area. But again, this will be a typical 'holiday' season, because I have not had much of anything to celebrate for many years now. I wear the mask and say the lines, but it is little more than a performance. Just like the rest of the year.

Ahh... another 'holiday'...

Will it be worth the moniker? Doubtful. I will be alone for much of the day, because my hubby has to work. I am becoming even more decrepit and feeble and when I see his greying hair and the way he seems so beaten down I just want to scream and destroy everything. Fuck being told that doing the right thing was the way to be. Why was I not born a complete asshole? At least I could cover my holiday blues with fake friends and partying because I would have money. But, as the saying goes: Nice guys finish last. Of course, I might add that some barely clear the starting line. Regardless, another year of being reminded that I failed and really have little to be thankful for. Before everyone flips out, Yes, I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful that, even though we live with a spoiled little rich boy, we live in a decent house (barely) and have a few crumbs of assistance to fall back on. But, it is in these moments that I have to look back and ask: Was my dream that impossible? I was not the one crowing about my supposed talents, everyone else was. Did they ALL lie? (My idea of this answer has changed somewhat of late, as I am now convinced that maybe they all did.)

Sorry, I should stop before the floodgates open. So I will say I hope everyone has a decent enough holiday, regardless of whether you participate in the actual traditions.

Ahh... another 'holiday'...

Will it be worth the moniker? Doubtful. I will be alone for much of the day, because my hubby has to work. I am becoming even more decrepit and feeble and when I see his greying hair and the way he seems so beaten down I just want to scream and destroy everything. Fuck being told that doing the right thing was the way to be. Why was I not born a complete asshole? At least I could cover my holiday blues with fake friends and partying because I would have money. But, as the saying goes: Nice guys finish last. Of course, I might add that some barely clear the starting line. Regardless, another year of being reminded that I failed and really have little to be thankful for. Before everyone flips out, Yes, I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful that, even though we live with a spoiled little rich boy, we live in a decent house (barely) and have a few crumbs of assistance to fall back on. But, it is in these moments that I have to look back and ask: Was my dream that impossible? I was not the one crowing about my supposed talents, everyone else was. Did they ALL lie? (My idea of this answer has changed somewhat of late, as I am now convinced that maybe they all did.)

Sorry, I should stop before the floodgates open. So I will say I hope everyone has a decent enough holiday, regardless of whether you participate in the actual traditions.

Thought I would check in here.

Went to the St. Anthony voting place at 7:35 a.m.. Light turnout, but there were people voting for sure. I saw this one truck that was parked way over on the other side of the lot and I thought to myself that this might be an 'observer'. But no, as I looked harder, I saw that it was just some person making a call. I did my thing and was out in about twenty minutes. I voted. Now, we wait.

I suppose that this goes in this group.

If it does not, then please feel free to let me know.

I have spent 43 years in the entertainment industry. You name the aspect, I have probably been involved with it if not overseen it for some production or another. I have taught several classes in acting and production in a few different places. including a stint with a touring theatre company who also did classes for the kids after they saw our performance. In 2007, I was hired to work at a private school and I rose from being a part-time after school counselor to creating two departments and several after school clubs as well as doing hundreds of other things around there. I covered for teachers on several occasions because no teacher ever showed up to the classroom and no one ever came to see what was going on. (Were it not for the fact that I was walking by or just nearby when the bell rang and the students were creeping in and out of the classroom door that I found out what was going on. I could understand a glitch, but to not even realize it had happened... on multiple occasions... well...) I ran a few study halls. Students would ask the head of school if I could teach their class. I also spent a lot of time making people who had lovely degrees on their walls look good for the parents while they got paid WAY more than I did. I taught guitar and bass. Suffice to say, I am not some Joe off of the street when it comes to the education profession.

So, I have contacted the local HR for the school district in reply to a letter I got in the mail where they were begging for people to be teachers, subs, and staff. I decided to reply directly to the HR person after I tried to go to the site they mentioned. The site is some company that handles staffing in these cases. (I do not wish to work for some staffing agency, first of all.) I guess they just will not consider anyone other than coming from that company. I do not have a degree in education, or theatre, or anything. I do not have a teaching certificate. So, that site will not consider me for anything other than 'janitor' or the like. This is what made me write to the head of HR. It appears that the head of HR cannot think for herself and must only consider applicants from that site.

I guess they are not as desperate as they are trying to project, eh? I mean, if one are going to whine about how bad off one's faculty and staff are because of not having enough people, maybe one needs to start considering a bit of that 'thinking outside of the box' thing. Because otherwise, one is not going to have enough people and then the entire 'education' system will collapse.

You know...

It is when I am sitting here alone surrounded by the complete failure that is my life that I find myself confused as to why others cannot see it. It is obvious to me. It would be obvious to anyone who wishes to take a look. I have nothing left to offer, or someone would have asked for it by now. I have no desire to do anything because everything I do fails. Now that cold weather is coming, I am really wondering if I will make it through another winter here. Hell, anywhere. Because it always comes down to the same question as far as I am concerned.

Why bother?

I wonder about my doctors sometimes...

Nowadays, we all have to fill in various forms and stuff online, and offices and hospitals have sites where one can do many things in regards to their health. However, I wonder if they actually read them. Case in point: I have now filled out some 'forms' that the orthopedic doctor requested. And, for the third time, they asked me about mental aspects of my life and the effect that my injuries may be having. Now, I decided a while back to stop holding back when it comes to being honest about my medical state, regardless of whether I like it or not. And, for the third time, I point out that I am suffering from issues regarding being a crippled failure, and that I don't see anything ever improving. So far, no one has said anything to me about these 'forms'. I will await the next appointment and see if they mention anything. I bet they won't. I suspect that they are thinking, "Well, that is a can of worms that I do not want to open!". And, I consider them smart for thinking that way. Because it is a can of worms. Hell, it is a VAT of worms. And, although all of this was in place before the accident, said accident has given the monster fresh fuel. I don't know... maybe I thought that reading this would at least warrant a question or two... maybe a referral or something? But, I also know the greed that lives in the medical profession these days. Whichever it is, I find it very unsettling that one can point out something as serious as my mental state is and get nothing back from the medical profession. Kind of telling, actually. Anyone care to bet on why?

I am thinking, "Nah, he can't afford that kind of help, So best to just hope it doesn't act up until we release him. Then, we won't have to worry about it."

So, the physical therapist asked me a question yesterday...

She asked, "What do you want out of this (meaning the physical therapy), what hobbies do you have, what do you do for a living, etc.?". I was actually taken aback. Not because of the question, but because, as someone who is literally just marking time these days, I have no ambition, no 'goals' to accomplish anymore. They are all gone, as far as I am concerned. All of the things I wanted to put into life and get out of life failed miserably. So, how does one answer such a question? Well, one choice is to lie like a rug and mention some of the failed wreckage as things that were still alive and being pursued. It really sucks that I had to do this, but what else was I supposed to do, casually look at her and say, "Nothing. I am a shell of a human and I am not even sure why we are here. I am just being a robot when it comes to this injury and rehab thing, but getting as much functionality back as my body can handle is not appealing. It is a bit silly to be honest. I am not long for this world anyway... why are we doing this again?"

Anyone else find themselves in this position? I am curious because I was really caught off guard by this question and I am pretty good and babbling without pause if I have to. Yet, it still threw me. Anyone else ever do this?

(Quick summary: I was biking and a vehicle pulled out in front of me. I hit the front fender and it tore all of my left rotator cuff ligaments as well as a good part of my bicep as well. I put a really good dent into the vehicle, so bad that it took three people to yank the passenger door open. Not bad for an old defensive lineman.) They have stitched all of it back together and the healing has begun. I started therapy yesterday. Also, this accident happened the day after I went to the doctor to see about my right shoulder, which was giving me fits of pain and weakness, and was supposed to be going to the orthopedist because of it... until the next morning. Sigh.)