edbermac
edbermac's JournalMy favorite Republican congressman gets the Noem situation.
https://twitter.com/RepJackKimble/status/2039093400490660293For those of you unaware, Mr. Kimble represents himself as a member of CA’s 54th District. There is no 54th district in California.
Byron and Kristi Noem WTF??
https://twitter.com/DailyMail/status/2038999788004208829https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15685877/kristi-noem-husband-bryon-crossdressing-pictures-south-dakota.html
I thought this was an April Fools joke. Need a subscription to read the story so if anyone has one for the DM, pass on more details.
Rising Conservative Star Just Guy Wearing Nazi Armband And Crying
AUSTIN, TX—A star who has experienced a meteoric rise in right-wing circles, 28-year-old conservative phenom Mason Finley is known solely for wearing a Nazi armband and crying, sources confirmed Tuesday.
“Finley amassed millions of conservative viewers on his Discord channel, where the up-and-coming young GOP figure uploaded videos in which he is seen sobbing alone in a room as he sits with a swastika strapped to his arm,” said Republican strategist Gary Woodfall, claiming that despite being virtually unknown even a few months ago, the teary-eyed young man who wears Nazi memorabilia has already appeared at CPAC as well as Turning Point USA summits.
“Something about the way he never stops crying and openly identifies as a Nazi has really struck a chord with the GOP rank and file. They see a lot of themselves in Finley when he blubbers and gives his weak little ‘Sieg heil’ salutes.”
At press time, Finley’s popularity within the Republican Party had reportedly reached a fever pitch after he was seen bawling his eyes out and getting an SS symbol tattooed on his neck.
https://theonion.com/rising-conservative-star-just-guy-wearing-nazi-armband-1849855062/
Pillow Guy gets served while being interviewed.
“We’re on TV.”
Oh, I guess it’s not legally binding then. 
https://twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/2037316725373362661
Bari Weiss' CBS Ratings Wipeout
Six months into Bari Weiss’ overhaul of CBS News, new ratings data obtained by Status shows its flagship programs are shedding viewers at an alarming rate, collapsing to historic lows and accelerating the network’s decline.
When Bari Weiss took the reins of CBS News in October, her message was clear: that the public had lost trust in the network and that major change was needed to win viewers back and return it to its glory days. But through a series of actions over her turbulent six-month tenure as editor in chief, it appears the proud anti-woke warrior has instead helped destroy that trust—something that is now laid bare in the network’s rapidly shrinking ratings. Indeed, new ratings data obtained by Status isn’t just bad for Weiss. It is catastrophic.
With the first quarter set to wrap at week’s end, Weiss’ relaunched “CBS Evening News” with Tony Dokoupil is on track for its lowest-rated first quarter of the 21st century in both total viewers and the advertiser-coveted 25-54 demographic, according to preliminary Nielsen ratings obtained by Status. But that’s not the only ugly data point Weiss will have to answer for. According to the data obtained by Status, “CBS Mornings” is pacing toward its lowest-rated quarter on record in both total audience and the key demo.
Together, the numbers tell a story Weiss will have a hard time spinning. Under the 41-year-old’s watch, the network’s two flagship daily news programs are seeing their audiences collapse. It’s a remarkable feat, given the unrelenting torrent of headlines emerging from Washington and—now thanks to a war—across the world. In fact, the numbers from CBS News are an anomaly in the current television news landscape, where ABC News and NBC News, are both set to post year-over-year gains in total audience in both the mornings and evenings.
https://www.status.news/p/cbs-news-ratings-decline-bari-weiss?gift_content=ff161619-c3fd-4431-9e4e-96ac3d177fa9
Edward R Murrow and Walter Cronkite are spinning in their graves.
White House IT Guy Sends Out Reminder Memo About Child Porn
WASHINGTON—Warning administration members that the unauthorized websites were not supposed to be accessed by work computers, White House IT guy Jason Kellerman reportedly sent out a memo Wednesday reminding staff about child porn.
“Keep in mind that every website you go to while on the White House network, even while using incognito mode, is cached and can be reviewed on our end,” the memo read in part, urging officials to avoid perusing risky sites featuring explicit images and videos of minors while on the job.
“Be extremely wary of clicking any links promising hot preteen action, as they may be phishing attempts that could download malware onto the server. Each time we have to restart the system because it was damaged by someone trying to watch videos of underage children engaging in sexual situations, we experience workflow disruptions and lose valuable man-hours. Please be respectful.”
At press time, Kellerman had reportedly sent a follow-up memo resigning from his position after seeing what was on homeland security advisor Stephen Miller’s hard drive.
https://theonion.com/white-house-it-guy-sends-out-reminder-memo-about-child-porn/
Holy shit, Capt Kirk is 95 today.
I am now officially an old man. 👴🏻
https://twitter.com/WilliamShatner/status/2035687941037510883
Timothe Chalamet Kicked Out Of Oscars For Bringing In Outside Award
LOS ANGELES—After flouting rules put in place to protect decorum at the Academy’s biggest night, actor Timothée Chalamet was reportedly kicked out of the Oscars ceremony Sunday evening for bringing in an outside award.
“Hey, wait, I promise I won’t take it out during the show,” said the 30-year-old Marty Supreme star, who was seen attempting to shove a Golden Globe statuette into girlfriend Kylie Jenner’s clutch before Dolby Theatre security guards arrived to confront him on the red carpet. “Can I just run and put it in my car really quick? Come on, man, don’t make me throw it away. This is such bullshit. The awards you guys have here aren’t even that good.”
At press time, Chalamet was spotted attempting to sneak back into the ceremony with a Critics Choice Award stuffed into his puffer coat.
https://theonion.com/timothee-chalamet-kicked-out-of-oscars-for-bringing-in-outside-award/
If it were only true.
WASHINGTON—Further fueling speculation that the commander-in-chief might have undisclosed medical conditions, rumors regarding President Trump’s health swirled Friday after he screamed, “Fuck! I’m dying!” during a press conference.
“Fuck! I’m fucking dying! Oh God, it hurts! Ahhhhhhh!” Trump said in response to a question about the ongoing war in Iran, sparking fervent discussion among Beltway insiders over whether the president wincing in pain while clutching his chest and screaming, “I see the light, I see the light,” could potentially signal a serious illness he had failed to share with the public. “Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh! This is it! Here I go! I can feel my body shutting down! Jesus Christ, it’s all over!”
At press time, additional concerns about the president’s health emerged after paramedics were spotted lifting Trump’s body into a body bag, zipping it up, and wheeling it out of the West Wing on a stretcher.
https://theonion.com/health-speculations-swirl-after-trump-screams-fuck-im-dying/
'Which Way Is Iran?' Asks Pantsless, Sword-Wielding Trump Wandering On Side Of Freeway
WASHINGTON—In a chaotic scene that left motorists confused and alarmed, witnesses along Interstate 495 reported Tuesday that President Donald Trump was seen wandering pantsless on the shoulder of the freeway, holding a ceremonial sword straight out in front of him, and asking passing drivers, “Which way is Iran?” “Woman! Tell me if Iran is to the left of here or if it’s south!” the commander-in-chief yelled at a morning commuter, adding that he’d walked through “many lands” on his quest to wage war, including Germany, the desert, and “a country where everybody was wearing scarves—very scary.” “I’m getting very close. I can smell it. Soon Iran will know the taste of my tremendous weapon. America is counting on me. Iran is counting on me. I will prevail.”
When Secret Service agents arrived and attempted to wrap a blanket around the president’s waist, Trump reportedly swatted them away with his sword and then charged down a busy on-ramp shouting, “We’re here! We’re entering enemy territory!”
https://theonion.com/which-way-is-iran-asks-pantsless-sword-wielding-trump-wandering-on-side-of-freeway/
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