May 29, 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #29: Springtime For Trumpenfuror Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #29: Springtime For Trumpenfuror Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Taking the darkest of humanity and juxta positioning it with hilarious memes and random video clips since 2015. So I love Lewis Black. He’s one of the best stand up comedians working today. No one delivers a “fuck you” with a straight up middle finger better than Mr. Black does. I have most of his stand up albums and I’ve even seen him live a couple of times. And some of the best bits on the Daily Show are usually his. He had a great rant about Donald Trump back during the 2012 election (which mostly proved to be true) and my all time favorite segment of his had to be his “don’t fuck with New York” infomercial that he did for the Daily Show in response to an ad campaign from Rick Perry. Well this week, Mr. Black was on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert. And Stephen asked him how he manages to keep the rage so fresh. He says “I usually wake up cheerful. Then I read the paper and go… SON OF A BITCH!!!”. Can we roll tape on that?



So where do we begin this week? Well in the number one slot, that is going to the State Of Oklahoma (1). You thought North Carolina was up to some evil human rights violating shit? Wait until you see what Oklahoma has in store! Donald Trump takes up not one, but 3 slots this week. So in the second slot we’ll talk about how Donald Trump was not just wanting the 2008 housing crash to happen, he was quite literally salivating over it. Ew. The third slot is going to cover the shit storm that is Donald Trump’s campaign and this week he visited Walter White’s home state of New Mexico, and my home town of Anaheim, California. And both stops were complete shit shows. And in the fourth slot, we’re going to talk about Trump’s transition to full blown Nazism. That plus a long time favorite Top 10 conservative idiot – Martin Shkreli, heartily endorses Trumpenfuror! Taking the fifth slot this week is the San Diego Padres (5). So the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus was invited to Petco Park to sing the National Anthem. But what should have been an incident free situation turned into a total clusterfuck and that’s before the first pitch was thrown at Sunday’s 17 inning marathon game between the Padres and the Dodgers. In the number 6 slot is the Bathroom Police (6). We have shown you the Bathroom Police at their craziest, and they may lose the College World Series in Lincoln because of it. But this week, we’re going to turn around and show you the flip side and people who are actively coming up with some unique solutions to a non existent problem. At number 7 we’re going to channel John Oliver and tell you about “People Who Somehow Got Elected”. This week, I give you Louie Gohmert, who saw “The Martian” and is taking things way too literally. Taking the number 8 slot, we’re going to take a dip in the international conservative idiots file and head to Brazil where a real life coup is taking place, and of course failing big time. In the number 9 slot (NEIN!!!), America’s neo-Nazis and white supremacists have chosen their pop icon, and, well, it’s Taylor Swift. Who naturally is horrified at this aspect of her fan base. Finally this week we’re going to talk about the movie Frozen. It’s one of the biggest hits Disney has had on their hands in quite some time. It’s spawned a gigantic wave of merchandising and a sequel is being planned. But there’s some interesting turmoil over the sequel. Particularly the love interest of the main character in the story, ice queen Elsa. Now there’s two sides to this debate – should she, or should she not have a female love interest? We’ll present both sides of this debate and let you be the judge! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


[font size="8"]The State Of Oklahoma[/font]


Oklahoma. You know them better as the state that musical is named after. And if you’re an NBA fan you might also know them as the state with the current West kings – the Oklahoma City Thunder. So no matter how bad you think North Carolina’s HB-2 is, there’s states out there that are doing some evil shit that makes HB-2 look like HB number 2. Yes, couldn’t resist a poop joke. But I give you Oklahoma – a state that is about to make North Carolina look like human rights activists by comparison. Here’s some of the truly evil shit that they have been up to this week. Behind door #1:



Yes you read that correctly. If this bill passes students could theoretically choose a segregated bathroom because they do not wish to change next to a trans person on religious grounds. As if that wasn’t bad enough here’s what else Oklahoma has been up to:



Holy fuck! Of all the states in the union, Oklahoma leads the pack in the number of botched executions. The mere fact that this list exists should be alarming enough, but to have Oklahoma at the top of the list? Something has definitely got to be done! And they clearly don’t give a shit if you read into what the AG has found in their investigation, and the plans to shut down said investigation:



So after… AFTER Governor Mary Fallin was told that the drug being used to execute a prisoner was the wrong drug, she went ahead with the execution anyways! This is a stunning, jaw dropping level of evil right here. Now as if that wasn’t enough, what else has Oklahoma been up to? Well rolling women’s rights back to the stone ages for one thing:





Yes the Oklahoma house republicans have purposefully crafted this bill so it would overturn Roe V Wade in the hopes that they would get to penalize women for having abortions once again. So did this evil bill pass the House? Why yes it did!





Now there’s just one step left and that’s for Governor Fallin to veto or approve it. And which stance did the governor take?






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


Before we get into all things Trumpenfuror this week, I have to give props to this meme from the great George Takei:





But what was Trumpenfuror been up to this week? You know last week we covered the fact that he devalued his own golf course. “Well auditing is for stupid losers. Real winners just make up the dollar amounts as they go along!”. Well now he pulled the equivalent of a George W. Bush “Watch this drive” moment as he talked about how climate change does not exist and is an expensive hoax – at a Trump brand golf course:





But speaking of Donald J. Trump and fiscal irresponsibility, now that Trumpenfuror is the presumptive front runner in the 2016 election, people are going to be delving into his past big time. And one particular aspect of his past seems to be hitting the front pages of every news paper. Mainly what did he think of the big housing crash of 2008? Well according to Elizabeth Warren, why he wanted it to happen of course! Because… money!





“Well, I’m a very smart business man. I have the best words and I make the best decisions, I buy the best houses. I make the most money off the best houses.”

Oh and by the way, in case you weren’t already comparing Donald Trump to C. Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons, this is a new low that he tried to pull this week. Why yes he had attempted to skim $1 million from veterans:



And not just Baltimore – Trump visited my home town this week and of course it was a total shit show:



How come I always find out about these things after the fact? If I had known I would have absolutely been there! But I will be there for the next one! Can we roll tape?



But I do love this Tweet from Stephen King (yes, that Stephen King):






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]




No. That’s not Fallujah. That’s an actual picture from the Trump rally in none other than my home town of Anaheim, California. Yes, Trumpenfuror was on my home turf last week! So there’s so much Donald Trump news that it’s spilling over into a second entry this week. So Trumpenfuror is the candidate of choice for white trash Americans and rightfully so. In fact so much that this picture recently surfaced of Trump’s wife Melania posing with a gun, boots and a thong:





Gun, Boots, And A Thong - I think I have that country music album somewhere. Where's Wheeler Walker Jr. at and how come he's not writing this now? “See my wife is going to be the hottest first lady in the world. How many other countries could say that about their first ladies?”



Elsewhere in the world of Donald J. Trump, what exactly happened at a Trump rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico last week? Yes the home of Walter White and Saul Goodman was also the home of some rampant violence and looting in the name of Trumpenfuror:





Holy shit! But what are Donald Trump’s positions on well, just about anything? Will the real Donald Trump please stand up? Please stand up? Please stand up?





By the way Politico took the time to compile a very, very long list of ways that Trumpenfuror has contradicted himself over the years and that whole article is a gem. But what else is he right or wrong about? Remember with Trump, there is no wrong answer to any given question and if you ask it twice you’ll get a different answer! By the way in case you were wondering, why yes – the bookings at Trump properties are declining in rapid numbers:






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]




Yes that's the potential 45th American president Donald J. Trump doing a chicken dance on SNL. Before we get into the real meat of this week’s Top 10, I fucking love this. You know billionaire CEOs are a member of the quid pro quo club - “I’ll scratch your back and you scratch mine”, right? Well guess what? It should come as no surprise to anyone that a favorite punching bag of the Top 10 – pharma douche Martin Shkreli, has endorsed Trumpenfuror:






That should tell you all you need to know about Trump fans. In case you were wondering if Donald Trump’s slide into becoming a full Adolf Hitler Jr. were ever more relevant, he is actually calling on the Republican party to become a worker’s party. If that term sounds familiar to you, perhaps you remember it from 20th century history. As you may know – the German Deutsche Arbieter Partei (DAP) is the party that went on to become the party known as Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei. Which is, um, actually the Nazi Party. So here’s what happened:





But… Trumpenfuror claims to be the guy who’s going to create the best workers. “I’m going to create the best workers, I’m going to create the most productive workers, we’ll build walls around the least productive workers. What? Why do people keep calling me a Nazi?”. Well if you look, his track record would suggest that he’s not a man who’s for the workers like his claim is. I give you exhibit A:





That’s right! Not just one, or maybe two, but HUNDREDS of former Trump Inc. workers have sued Trump Hotels International over the years. But that’s not all that’s plaguing Trump International. What else could he might be hiding, that say, an auditor might be interested in? I give you exhibit B! Trump really *IS* a white supremacist!


Holy shit!! So I give you a worker’s party representation, horrible treatment of workers, and just flat out blatant white supremacism. But how much is Donald Trump like Hitler? Hypocrisy, thy name is Trump:





Even Trump’s own models don’t like working for Trump!

But even then – what else is Donald Trump hiding that auditors might be interested in? I give you:



So not only is Donald Trump a racist, he’s also one of the biggest hypcrites known to man! But Donald Trump not only wants the best workers, he wants to make the republican party the working class party!






[font size="8"]San Diego Padres[/font]


So last week we ended on talking about some baseball. Well we’re going to talk some more baseball this week. Mainly because a really fucked up thing happened with the San Diego Padres this week and the Gay Men’s Chorus of San Diego. But first let’s roll tape and then discuss:



That’s real. That happened. The San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus was drowned out by the wrong tape during their singing of the National Anthem. And that game between the Padres and the Dodgers? Went on to last a whopping 17 innings. So let’s discuss in further detail:



So who’s responsible? Don’t go getting the league involved here just yet guys! Let’s calm down and seek an investigation shall we? Was it Kevin Swanson? Rick Wiles? Franklin Graham? Alex Jones? Let’s go further.



But the league has conducted an investigation but has turned up inconclusive so far:



And how did that pan out for the Padres? Well they won on a walk off after a grueling 17 innings of play against the LA Dodgers. But what happened? Who is to blame? Well the DJ who started the whole brew ha ha got fired even after issuing a formal apology to the SDGMC:



But now the SDGMC wants the Padres to reinstate the fired DJ after the apology was issued:



So someone somewhere did the wrong thing and it’s a total clusterfuck that ended very poorly and we will keep you posted with any further updates. And by the way the Padres extended an invitation for the SDGMC to come back:



By the way this is not the first time the National Anthem has been desecrated in San Diego. You might remember this:



Ow! Ow! My ears are bleeding!!!




[font size="8"]The Bathroom Police[/font]


So the bathroom police are back at it. At number 1 this week we talked about a law that Oklahoma was going to propose that was similar to North Carolina’s HB-2. Did you know that Nebraska has a similar bill being proposed on the books? And that said bill would jeopardize Nebraska’s long standing relationship with the NCAA? Well this could be a huge middle finger to Chrsitian fundamentalists trying to police bathrooms, changing rooms and locker rooms because if this bill passes, the College World Series will leave Lincoln:



But that’s not the only thing the bathroom police have been doing this week. In case you were wondering just how far trans paranoia goes, check out this incident from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where a lesbian couple was denied entry to their Catholic High School’s prom because one was not wearing a dress:



Wait – Catholic high schools let LGBT couples go to prom? Since when? Wow, times have changed!

But some good news in the war on bathrooms – we go to Austin, Texas for this where the owner of a theater chain called the “Alamo Drafthouse” is considering redesigning it’s bathrooms in response to North Carolina’s HB-2. Should be interesting to say the least:



And by the way first off there’s a great piece on Facebook that you should read about the Bathroom police – I won’t post the whole thing, but will link to it. You know these assholes are like the assholes patrolling our borders. They’re not going to find anything but they believe in the cause because it’s an excuse to show off their precious (and by precious, I mean gun). Someone is going to get hurt or die by this, and it is not going to end well. And remember when I said I’d post an actual sex crime for every time the fundies feel they need to harass trans people? Well this happened:



Holy fucking shit. Sex crime with a hate crime on top of that!


[font size="8"]Louie Gohmert[/font]


Allow me to channel John Oliver again and it’s time to go into:



So this week in “People Who Somehow Got Elected”, I give you Louie Gohmert. Representative of the first district of Texas (TX-1). Where most people have embraced and accepted LGBT culture, Louie Gohmert has not. In fact Mr. Gohmert has an almost cartoonish, Yosemite Sam level of hate for the LGBT communuity. In fact Mr. Gohmert goes out of his way to make absurd claims about America's LGBT community. In this case, he actually argued on the House Of Representatives floor that we shouldn’t send gay people into space because Gay Space Colonies don’t exist. By the way, if there’s no band tomorrow called “Gay Space Colonies”, I will have really lost all hope in the internet.



Yes, he actually argued this on the Congressional floor. He argued this on the Congressional floor. Why is this guy a representative? Why is he not behind padded walls? Which is where he would be in most developed countries! Well anyway here’s some of the details:





OMG. I mean seriously. OMG. Most people have that filter that blocks thoughts from becoming words. Louie Gohmert does not.





So there's lots of take aways from Mr. Gohmert's speech. The first is that he has some bizarre fantasies about space colonization. But the second is that trans people are "perverse". No they're not. And the third is that in a surprising turn, for an end times Christian conspiracy theorist like Mr. Gohmert, he actually acknowledged the existence of dinosaurs. So that's good.... we guess....?



And here's some more of Mr. Gohmert's greatest hits. He also suggested once that we “put gay people on an island to see which one nature favors” and see if they will survive in 100 years:



And that SCOTUS declared itself “God” in reversing the ruling on gay marriage:



And made an absurd claim that the US will not help Nigeria fight terrorism:



And even suggested that Obama was brining in “truck loads of illegals to help Obama win elections”:



He also said that Central American gang violence was a hoax:



But what happens if you double cross Mr. Gohmert? Why you will get death threats from talk show hosts!



And yet he tries to prove on the Senate floor that God exists:



That’s Louie Gohmert.





[font size="8"]Coup De Brazil[/font]





So with Motorhead in mind, we’re going to Brazil for this next entry. See, conservative idiocy isn’t just limited to these great United States of ours. Nope, it’s an international problem that stems far and wide, and conservatives being just plain dumb and fucking evil as they are here in America. We previously explored what’s happening in Brazil in Idiots #2 when the fallout from the World Cup and the Olympics nightmares resulted in a possible coup against the former Brazilian prime minister. Well it did happen. And it was a spectacular fail.



So the political unrest in Brazil is so bad that they actually attempted a real impeachment trial against their incumbent president which in turn sparked fear of counter-violence against the party that initiated the proceedings. But what happened when they tried that again?



That’s right! The new interim president of Brazil was accused of taking bribes and kickbacks from Brazil’s state run oil company! Holy shit! And then the new prime minister attempted to dissolve the state’s culture ministry which led to thousands protesting in the streets. This is quite literally insane.



Wow, so the new prime minister didn’t even last 10 days and tried to get rid of the government culture department. Why isn’t he an American republican? Sounds like a conservative thing to do!




[font size="8"]White Supremacists[/font]


You know I won’t normally use the Top 10 to talk celebrity tabloid nonsense. But when America’s Neo Nazi and white supremacist population latches onto a pop idol like Taylor Swift, and she subsequently rejects their affliction, I must report it damn it! So here’s what happened:



So why has Taylor Swift become such an idol among America’s white supremacist community? Well if you read these quotes they are just absolutely gushing over her, in the way that you would expect from a certifiably creepy stalker:





OMG that is creepy. Like seriously creepy. And what would Taylor herself say about that?



And in fact she actually did say that to some effect, by having her lawyer write a letter to the blog that broke the story:





[font size="8"]Frozen 2: Elsa Gets A Girlfriend (?)[/font]




Yes. That’s John Travolta introducing the winner of 2015’s best original song at the Oscar awards as “Adele Dazeem”. Who is really Idina Menzel – voice actress on Disney’s unbelievable smash hit “Frozen” and the subsequent singer of the smash hit song that came from that movie – “Let It Go”, which won the Best Original Song that year. So for the final entry this week we are going to be talking about Frozen. Well more specifically – the upcoming sequel Frozen 2. Now there’s a petition going around the internet with a rather unusual request. We’ll show you what’s going on and then we’ll explain in further detail.





Yes – there’s a campaign on the internet to make Frozen’s lead character a lesbian. Now… you might be thinking “why”? Well I answer you good sir / madam - the rationale is simple – Disney has been very progressive in recent years in its’ support of LGBT rights and even hosted the Orlando Pride parade at Epcot Center. Not to mention Disney is one of the largest active employers of LGBT citizens not just in America, but around the world. So why not support its’ LGBT community and give Elsa a girlfriend? Why not? Well of course the Christian “pro family” rights groups – you know them as the ruiners of everything (by the way, that’s my new band name ), well, naturally it's backfiring big time:



Of course batshit crazy pastor Franklin Graham would call this a lie. That Huffington Post article went on to argue that it’s really the LGBT youth who could benefit from such representation. Here’s where things get weird – Kevin Swanson, who we talked about in previous Idiots editions as saying that rock concerts were tools of Satan (see Idiots #1 ). Well before we go into why he’s here this week, let’s talk about his past reasons for denouncing the film:





Yes. So a movie that teaches kids about love and compassion is somehow evil and going to teach kids about beastiality. You know is it any wonder why Jesus isn’t coming back? So here’s Swanson’s rationale this week:



Someone needs to put Kevin Swanson on a sex offender watch list because he cares way too much about the sexual orientation of cartoon characters doesn’t he? In fact if you go back to Idiots #9, I pointed out that he has an unusually unhealthy obsession with the sexual orientation of Harry Potter characters. Mr. Swanson, it’s time to admit you have a problem. #KevinSwansonHasAProblem



The Christian right has in the last 2 years since Frozen was in theaters, developed an almost cartoonish level of hate for this movie. Which is funny because the movie is about love and acceptance, which are things that you know, Jesus might have actually taught us about. In fact the right wing hates Frozen so much that they actually held a seminar – yes, a fucking seminar, to tell its’ followers that Elsa was already promoting homosexuality and the song “Let It Go” is considered “Satan’s rebellion anthem”. I wish I were making this up!





You know what Disney? I say just fucking do it. You’ve got nothing to lose. The Christian right is like Dean Wormer from Animal House – they’re going to despise every move you make because of your LGBT support, so why not give Elsa a girlfriend? What’s the worst that could happen? These fun ruining assholes condemn you for supporting LGBT rights? Who gives a shit?



And it’s not like money is a problem – you’ve got Lucasfilm and Marvel at your disposal. So even if you do give Elsa a girlfriend and Frozen 2 bombs, then what? Make another Iron Man or Star Wars and you’ll recoup the loss in a week and a half. So how do you weigh in on the subject? Do you think Elsa should or should not have a girlfriend in Frozen 2? #ElsaGirlfriendYes #ElsaGirlfriendNo But before you answer that, well… let’s ask Idina Menzel herself.



Yes! Idina Menzel herself has weighed in and fully supports the idea! So how do you feel about this? Tweet us @DUInitechTop10, with the hashtag #ElsaGirlfriendYes or #ElsaGirlfriendNo, and we'll post the results in the next edition. Come on everyone, let’s close out this week and make some fundie heads explode and sing it with me!



In fact every time you sing that song, fundie heads will do this:



We're going to take a week off next week in observance of Memorial Day this Monday, but we'll be back on June 12th with a brand new celebratory 30th edition of the Top 10! See you in two weeks!

May 22, 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #28: Wheel O’Corruption 4: Age Of Extinction Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #28: Wheel O’Corruption 4: Age Of Extinction Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! So I went to the KROQ Weenie Roast last week. And the show was so much fun. Garbage stole the show (and Shirley Manson fell off the stage), Blink 182 was great, and Panic! At The Disco covered Queen’s famous hit “Bohemian Rhapsody in its’ entirety. But a bit of an unfortunate thing happened. Can we roll the tape on that?



Yeah in between Panic At The Disco and Empire of the Sun, the Red Hot Chili Peppers made an unfortunate announcement that Anthony Keidis had to be rushed to the hospital and that they couldn’t perform that night. It shocked the crowd but thankfully the almighty Weezer stepped up and really got the crowd going for the final performance that night. But it was still a pretty awesome show. We got a lot of idiocy to cover this week. But first – John Oliver absolutely owned a favorite punching bag of the Top 10 – Maine governor Paul Le Page (who I called the American Rob Ford in a previous edition) :


So we are going to bring back the Wheel O’Corruption for this week’s edition. So where do we begin this week? Well our number one slot is going to go to Citizens United (1). They’re making a batshit crazy new documentary starring Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson that is going to blame Hollywood stars and the flaunting of their sexuality for inspiring middle eastern terrorist groups. Taking the second spot is the Bathroom Police (2). They are turning up the harassment way past 11 this week. Meanwhile the Christian Right (3) is all but declaring a holy war against America’s LGBT community. It also turns out they’re in an awkward spot over Donald Trump’s rise to the top of the GOP flock while Franklin Graham unleashes some good old fashioned fire and brimstone preaching. In the fourth slot is Donald Trump. How could we not talk about all things Trumpenfuror this week? Last week’s returning champion George Zimmerman (5) falls to number 5 this week. The gun sold and he can’t stop being a colossal dick. In the number 6 spot is Alex Jones. He has an absurd claim that Michelle Obama is a guy, while an Infowars guest thinks Hillary Clinton might be coming to kill him. At number 7, Arkansas senator Tom Cotton (7) thinks America doesn’t have enough prisoners. Taking the number 8 slot, we’re going to introduce you to Virginia congressional candidate Mike Webb (8) who got caught with his pants down – both literally and figuratively. In the number 9 slot is Bill O’Reilly (9). He’s doing that GOP thing of attacking feminists again. Sigh. Finally this week we’re going to talk baseball. You guys and gals like baseball? Specifically there was a massive brawl between the Toronto Blue Jays and the Texas Rangers, that was the direct result of last year’s ALDS that we will go into the kind of detail that you expect from the Top 10! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


[font size="8"]Citizens United[/font]


Come on everyone let’s say it with me! It’s time for the “Wheel O’ Corruption!!!”

And of course if we had a bigger budget we’d have our own graphics and theme music. The wheel is back everybody!! And yes just like last time I’ll talk about whatever the wheel lands on. But remember that if it lands on the Guacamole option that it costs $1.50 extra. So this week the items on the wheel will be:
- Gun Nuts
- Donald Trump
- Go Directly To Jail
- Clip Without Context
- Guacamole
- 5,000
- Poison
- Poison (The Band)
- Captain America
- Bankrupt
- Satan
- Buy A Vowel
- A Random Trailer
- Food
- Whammy
- Public Relations
- Fire And Brimstone
- Baseball
- VR Headset
- Prison
- Get Out Of Jail Free
- Pornography
- 10,000
- Celebrity Look Alikes
- Fox News
- Double Whammy
- 15,000
- Local News
- Fire & Brimstone
- Rocky
- Sex Scandals
- Racism
- Something random in the news
- ??? (Mystery)
- Florida (Obviously)
- Infowars
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

So let’s get that going! Spin that shit! And it lands on…. Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy…. Stop! And it lands on… Satan!




Spin it again! And it lands on… A Random Trailer. Well this one isn’t so random. Let’s play it first before we get into the first entry this week. Keep in mind that this has some NSFW content:



So Citizens United. You know them as the group that made that ultra conservative fact free Hillary bashing documentary “Hillary: The Movie”. Yes the same group that declared money is free speech and allowed ultra rich conservatives like the Kochs and the Waltons to pour unlimited amounts of money into campaigns. Well now that group is back and they have a documentary starring, of all people, Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson. And it’s going to say that ultra Islamic terrorist groups are the product of what happens when you remove God from the picture, and replace it with sex-obsessed pop stars like Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber. And we all know how well this argument plays out, and it usually plays out extremely poorly. Well here’s what is going on:


OMG!

Their argument is already flawed to begin with! “We’ll all be dead soon so who cares”? Then why are you pushing the godly angle? By your logic we should all just be serial killers or porn stars anyways! And who are these “mere men”? You know the entertainment industry is a business! You don’t have to buy their product! Let alone claim it’s responsible for, I don’t know, Boko Haram, the worst people on earth! Excuse me a minute…

So they made a movie to talk trash about people who make movies. That's not meta or anything. Kevin Smith did the same thing when he made Clerks in 1991. And Clerks II in 2006. And Clerks III in.... whenever that happens. You know what? Before we go any further, you know last week I talked about Phil Robertson’s “radical” bathroom idea (which is not that radical!), but I need to point that out again:



Yeah that’s a “radical idea” in his eyes. Does he even know what the fuck the word “radical” means? So he thinks it’s common sense that trans people should not be allowed to use the bathroom of their choosing? A radical idea would be "leave trans people the fuck alone and stop harassing them!". Seriously their lives are already difficult enough, the last thing they need is Christian douchebags dictating to them which bathroom and changing room to use. Really there's more Christian douchebags harassing and threatening trans people than there are of trans people harassing well, anybody. Does he even know that the GOP has essentially declared open season on trans people just needing to pee? WTF???

Let’s continue:



Explain to me how… the Nazi genocide is linked to “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” like 60 years before it first aired. Please enlighten me oh wise and angry duck hunter. He seems really obsessed with other people’s perversion doesn’t he? But this movie is going to screen at the Cannes Film Festival. Cannes!!! Where this happened:


But this is my favorite part of the argument:



Yes it is!!! It's entirely possible to run a government without the Bible! This notion has only been around the last 40 years! On the world happiness index the highest scoring country is Switzerland and they’re the neutral country! The US is ranked 15th! And we’d be even less under a totalitarian theocracy! I am using way too many exclamation points again!




[font size="8"]The Bathroom Police[/font]


Give it a good strong spin! And… boom! I win 5,000! Of what we still don’t know what that 5,000 is. But it’s 5,000 of something. So… good, I guess? Let’s spin it again! And it lands on… wait for it…. Bathrooms!

You know folks, this bathroom thing is getting ridiculously out of control, Before we begin to get into the shit the bathroom police are doing this week, read this first hand encounter of what exactly happened when a woman tried to use a Target bathroom this week:



That is just the beginning. The bathroom debate has made it OK for batshit crazy fundies to declare open season on just about anyone using public bathrooms. Like look what happened at a Target last week in Minnesota – and this is supposedly a blue state. And by the way – Wonkette trashes this woman and this line of thinking:



But just a reminder of the complete lack of logic surrounding this madness – overpopulation is fine and dandy, but a trans man / woman just needing to pee? Why that’s the spawn of Satan! In fact the harassment is continuing at an alarming rate. Here’s more:



So now they’re against donating hair to young girls with cancer? What the fuck has our society come to?

And there’s yet more:



Your feelings? Your feelings of hate and bigotry??? Go cue the world’s tiniest violin:

And play the Sad Hulk Music while you’re at it.


And by the way remember when I said I’d post an actual fundie sex crime every time they’re obligated to harass an innocent trans person just needing to pee or use a changing facility? Well this is what happened this week:



And here’s another. It’s getting quite disturbing. It’s almost as if fundies are trying to pass trans people off as a boogeyman while they get away with some of the most horrible shit imaginable. Like this guy in Iowa who stole almost half a million from a charity to pay for his sex addiction:







[font size="8"]The Christian Right[/font]


Entering the spin zone! And it lands on…………….. Satan! Hit it!




Spin it again! And it lands on……. Satan again! Seriously! Three times this week! Is the devil possessing the wheel? Maybe I can get a bonus spin out of it?



Let’s try it again, maybe we can get the wheel unstuck. OK my producer is telling me we have the crew coming out to fix it. I’ll just sit here and play Angry Birds while we’re waiting. Can we get some intermission music?


OK we’re back! Let’s try it one more time and see if we can get the wheel unstuck. Spin it! And it lands on……….. wait for it………… fire and brimstone. So this week in response to North Carolina’s controversial HB-2, Franklin Graham is suggesting to America’s Christian community that the anti-LGBT belief is so strong, they should start a holy war and start taking a bullet for their beliefs:





But here’s where things get scary. So batshit crazy off the deep end, end times conspiracy theory pastor Rick Wiles has been calling the Obama administration the “command center” of the “homosexual revolution” and saying “Satan will rape your babies”.



What are these people smoking? Maybe a combination of meth and bath salts?


And here’s where things get certifiably insane. Batshit crazy end times conspiracy theory pastor John Hagee said that Americans would incur the “wrath of God” if they didn’t vote for Trump. Actually, we probably will incur God's wrath by voting for Donald Trump. If you recall previous elections, Hagee was actually turned down an endorsement offer by John McCain for basically saying the same thing!





But things got even crazier on Rick Wiles’ show when they just said “fuck it” and started making shit up about campaign finance laws and constitutional term limits. Before I get into this one did anyone see Bill Maher’s new rules last week on “smug liberals” who “want facts”? That was a great one. Let’s roll tape on that!



Now let’s roll the tape on Zack Drew shall we?





Never thought I’d use a meme with Dr. Phil in it! And then here’s where a prayer breakfast ended extremely poorly when a Catholic Cardinal told the crowd how god was being removed from society because of these “bathroom bills” (which, um, don’t exist anywhere) :



But in the interest of the Top 10, let’s do some top 10 fact checking about LGBT rights in Guinea:






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


Spin that shit! And it lands on…. Sweet, I get a bonus spin! Spin it again! Buy a vowel. Sure. I’ll buy a vowel. O please! OK we got 3 letters in place. I’ll solve the puzzle. Um… Top 10 Conservative Idiots. What? That’s wrong? What did I wager? All 5,000? No!!!


Spin it again. Donald Trump. So before we get into all things Trumpenfuror this week, first read this first hand encounter from Melania Trump herself about how they stayed in a “commoner hotel” like the Holiday Inn. This shows you how out of touch they are. I bet they’re readers of Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP blog. I mean where else on the internet is a cure for depression listed as "fly to New York City, stay in a penthouse, get a full back massage, and buy a $1,000 gold covered sundae from Serendipity 3?". Yeah that's right. For a rich person the solution to depression always has to be to find someway to say "fuck you" to poor people, am I not right about that? Because that's exactly what the Trumps did here. “Oh I stayed where the serfs stayed and ate their steam tray breakfast buffets, swam in their community pools and used their bolted down hair dryers when I was done! It was fun!”. Seriously, where do you even find eggs like that? Getting off track here, read this from NPR about how evangelical voters are in an awkward position because they hate Trumpenfuror:



Yes, Trump is “morally loathsome” according to evangelical voters. Despite all the crap they do and get away with that we’ll cover much later in this edition. “I love the Bible, no one loves the Bible more than I do! I read the best verses and it has the best words!”. But with that out of the way, what has Trump done this week? Well first he devalued his own golf course:



“Well auditing is for stupid losers! See only winners like me know the real value of things! See, I never heard of this thing called… what’s that accounting term? Depreciation? What’s that?”

But then Trump once again got into it with Megyn Kelly. But this time around, Ms. Kelly turned the tables on Donald Trump and interviewed him the same way he’s treated her in the past:





But the real Trump fail comes this week when he named a list of 11 judges he would pick to replace Antonin Scalia:


Wait! Go back to the list for one minute! Why does Don Willett of Texas stand out on that list? Is it because he compared Donald Trump to Darth Vader? Why yes it is!!!



That is hilarious!



And by the way here’s where a Donald Trump supporter got caught with a gun and child porn. Holy crap!








[font size="8"]George Zimmerman[/font]


Spin it!!!!!!!!!! Come on VR headset! Come on VR headset! And it lands on… something random in the news!




Ya know………… if you’re going to call your girlfriend a cheater, at least learn to spell “cheater” correctly.

Spin it again! Gun nuts. So last week we went into great detail about George Zimmerman’s proposed gun auction to sell the gun he used to kill Trayvon Martin. Well, unfortunately it’s going to sell for six figures. But not before Racist McShootface trolled the auction again (and sadly that wasn’t us) :



So Racist McShootface strikes again ladies and gentlemen! But it did not stop there! In fact it continued. And the final bidder went to a mystery account with the name “John Smith” which has only led to further speculation who the buyer is. But do I need to remind people what Zimmerman plans to spend the money on? Anybody?



Yes. He plans to spend that money to counter Black Lives Matter and to end the career of the woman who led the prosecution against him. Dick move, Zimmerman. And in case you were wondering, he might just be one of the most horrible people on earth.



Holy shit this guy is a dick. And he has absolutely ZERO right to tell anyone else about how to raise children, let alone the family of the teenager he MURDERED in an alleyway!!!! Go to hell, Zimmerman. You know I had a friend of mine that died unexpectedly from a massive heart attack this time last year. He’s gone. Way too early. And George Zimmerman is somehow still alive and getting rich off killing an unarmed black teenager. What the fuck is wrong with this picture? He should be sharing a prison cell with Martin Shkreli. If we can’t get him for murder, can we at least lock him up when he fails to fully report this income on his tax return next year? After all the photo that accompanies this article looks like something that comes from a Rick Ross video:



Ewwwww… excuse me a minute….




[font size="8"]Alex Jones[/font]


Spin that shit! And it lands on…………. Oh Infowars. You know I hate to keep reporting on Infowars but they keep me coming back because they’re so batshit fucking crazy. They’re like Rush Limbaugh, only add in end times conspiracy theories, a slice of doomsday preppers, and a dash of some good old fashioned fire and brimstone preaching. But what has Alex Jones been up to this week? Well besides saying Michelle Obama is a man. And yes there is video of this. Let’s roll tape:





Alex Jones really believes this shit! And I mean it’s definitely not helping the great transgender bathroom debate. Go back to him singing “Dude Looks Like A Lady”. I mean wow, that might be the worst karaoke I’ve ever heard. And killing Joan Rivers?

I mean did you not see this about Giant stores in Washington, DC where a trans woman was actually denied bathroom access by the bathroom police and was subsequently sued by a trans man who was forced to wear a low cut shirt?


Hey Alex:


But things get even weirder than Alex Jones’ crazy theory that the first lady is a man, I give you the fact that he thinks Hillary Clinton might be trying to kill him! Roll tape!



:crazy


[font size="8"]Tom Cotton[/font]


Spin it to win it! Clip without context!



That’s real. That happened. Spin it again! And it lands on…….. Prison. Come because you got arrested by a cop after an all night bender, stay for the bad food and the workout sessions. I’m being told that joke backfired so I will consult one of the Top 10 lawyers on that one. OK… no more prison jokes for next time. So Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton doesn’t think we lock up enough Americans.

Let’s roll tape on that shall we?




OMG. He went there. He actually argued that not enough Americans are locked up. Does he not know of this new thing called Google? America locks up more prisoners than like half of the rest of the world combined! In fact anyone can use Google to look up anything, and we went and found these crime statistics from a 2014 article – it’s slightly outdated but doesn’t mean the facts aren’t there:



25% people! An estimated 65 million Americans have criminal records! 65 million!!! That number is staggeringly high, but apparently Mr. Cotton won’t rest until there’s half. OMG. And by the way, remember when John Legend won best song at the Oscars this year? Well the Washington Post did some fact checking and found some truth to his claim about American prisons:







[font size="8"]Mike Webb[/font]


Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin, shall we? And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy stop!! No a whammy!!!



Spin that shit again! And it lands on… porno!




More specifically… we go to Virginia for this story. So in Virginia Congressional candidate Mike Webb was caught with his pants down – and in this case quite literally. And this is a guy who’s running on record to “restore accountability” and “create jobs”. Well after seeing this screen shot that he meant to post on Twitter, we know what kind of jobs he wants to create, if you know what I’m saying.

Mike Webb is a conservative candidate for the United States Congress (VA-8) and he’s hoping to bring “responsiveness and accountability” to Washington, D.C.



Can we throw that screen shot up there?



And let’s zoom in on that:



Yes!!! He’s creating work for… sexy amateurs and tight bodies. I can imagine him as a strip club DJ – “Coming up next we have the lovely Layla ladies and gentlemen! Layla to the stage! Yes her name is just like the Eric Clapton song!”




Oh and this is my favorite part! You want to know what Mr. Webb’s excuse for the porn flub actually was? This is too fucking good!



Yes!!! Ladies and gentlemen! He was testing for viruses! And let’s not overlook Symantec saying that you’re more likely to get a virus on a religious site than on a porn site. Well done! Take a bow!




[font size="8"]Bill O’Reilly[/font]


Spin that shit! Where does the wheel land? Nobody knows! Ah it lands on Poison (The Band)! Finally we get to see what that one brings, shall we?



No… wrong Poison. Ah there we go!




Spin it again! And it lands on… Fox News. So now even the GOP’s biggest mouth piece – Fox News – is slowly warming up to the idea of a Donald Trump presidency. Even Bill O’Reilly is warming up to the idea that Donald Trump could actually be our next president! In fact you might remember from a couple of weeks ago when he freaked out after a reporter slammed him for giving Trumpenfuror some fair coverage. Can we roll tape on that?




Yes the “fair and balanced” Fox News is now getting beat by CNN!


But here’s where O’Reilly might be taking things a bit too far in his quest to defend Trumpenfuror. Maybe he’s going for a position to lead the WH Press Corps under Trump’s administration? Especially when he spouts sexist nonsense like this?



Wow. So women can’t question the almighty Trumpenfuror’s stance on feminism because he is the antithesis of feminism. Does that mean I can’t question the actions of Christian leaders and batshit crazy talk show hosts because I’m the antithesis of Christianity? Well let’s ask Trumpenfuror himself what one of his positions on feminism is, shall we?



“Well see only stupid losers have abortions! I’m a winner. I don’t have any. There will be no abortions under my America! We’re going to build walls around every Planned Parenthood clinic in America. They will be the best walls! And they will keep the abortionists out! We will make America great again!”




[font size="8"]Blue Jays V. Rangers: Dawn Of Justice[/font]


Let’s spin the wheel one last time this week! And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy stop! And it lands on… Rocky! Hit it!





Spin it again! And it lands on…………………….. wait for it……………… baseball! So what does Rocky have to do with baseball you might ask? More specifically there’s a really fucked up thing that happened last Sunday during a game between the Toronto Blue Jays and the Texas Rangers. I didn’t see it, too busy watching Captain America: Civil War. Awesome movie. But anyway let’s roll tape and then we’ll explain everything in much greater detail!



Well it started out well. Just a simple base running before all hell breaks loose. So here’s what happened exactly. Let’s get the play by play break down:





So Jose Bautista got hit by a pitch and that started the whole brew ha ha. I mean it’s nice to go to a baseball game and get some bonus hockey thrown in for good measure, am I not right about that? Well there’s more. So the feud stemming between the Rangers and Blue Jays starts back at the 2015 American League Division Series. Let’s go back to that:



Now I must admit that when I saw that game last year – as a die hard LA Angels fan, I committed a severe case of schadenfreude cheering for the Blue Jays against the evil Rangers, and enjoyed watching the Rangers get taken down a peg by Jose Bautista. *David Puddy from Seinfeld voice* Yeah you gotta respect the game. Gotta respect the team! But here’s where things are going incredibly south. Even 3 days later, Rougned Odor said he has “no regrets” about sucker punching Bautista:



One thing you got to like about Odor – 1. He’s got balls. 2. He clearly doesn’t give a shit! In fact he wins our Brass Balls award this week.

But the MLB handed down the suspensions this week! In fact what did Bautista and Odor get for that fight?


Fuck that! Somebody call the UFC and put Bautista and Odor in an octagon and let them work out their frustrations there! They can make a mint off the pay per view sales!



See you next week!

May 18, 2016

Mike Webb's Excuse For The Porn Flub? "I Was Just Testing For Viruses!"

OMG this is awesome.

May 16, 2016

John Oliver Destroys Paul Le Page on "Last Week Tonight"

That was epic!

May 15, 2016

Phil Robertson (Of Duck Dynasty) To Star In Insane New Documentary From Citizens United

Yes *THAT* Citizens United:

Here's the trailer if you can stomach it:

May 15, 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #27: The Butler Did It (A Bird In The Hand) Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #27: The Butler Did It (A Bird In The Hand) Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! And I open this edition with some good news! Hipsters everywhere, rejoice! Radiohead’s new album is here! Wooooooooooooo!!!! So last week we got a huge surprise over the weekend with Radiohead dropping their new album “A Moon Shaped Pool”. And you guys and gals like Radiohead? It’s pretty well documented that I love Radiohead (one of the few non metal bands that I’ve been a fan of for a very long time), I’ve seen them in concert multiple times (best show was at the Hollywood Bowl shortly after In Rainbows came out). But I was not a fan of “The King Of Limbs” and that’s pretty well documented. And if you’re wondering why this album is getting so much hype, there’s a song on it called “True Love Waits” which is one of Radiohead’s oldest tracks that has never before appeared on a studio album. And vice.com put together a great FAQ about the album that I suggest checking out if you’re interested or have the album already. However, “A Moon Shaped Pool” might be Radiohead’s best album since 2003’s “Hail To The Thief”. Radiohead isn’t known for making overly accessible music but this album definitely is one of their more interesting entries. In fact here’s the first video from it called “Burn The Witch”:



We’ve got a lot of idiocy to cover this week. But before we get into the idiocy this week, John Oliver exposed the real research behind those scientific study articles and media headlines you see every day:



In the first slot is one of the most disgusting people who’s ever been called a “human being” and that’s George Zimmerman (1). He’s auctioning off the gun he used to murder Trayvon Martin and it’s getting some insane money. Or.... is it? Next up is Donald Trump (2, 3). There’s so much Trump news that it’s spilling into the second and third slots. In the second slot we’re going to talk poll numbers and talk about some of the things that are more popular than Trumpenfuror. In the third slot, we are going to take a look at Trump’s controversial plan to eliminate the minimum wage among other things people hate him for. In the number 4 slot, conservative idiot hall of famer Roy Moore (4) got his ass handed to him, and it’s only about to get much worse, and we can’t help but engage in schadenfreude with this one! At number 5 is the Bathroom Police (5). It turns out that Pat McCrory is upping the blame game in the war on North Carolina’s bathrooms, while a school district in North Carolina has an unbelievable solution to a non existent problem. Taking the sixth slot, the return of another Top 10 hall of famer and that’s the least interesting man in the world – Mitt Romney (6)! So Mittens has declared an all out war on Donald Trump’s tax returns. Could he be the catalyst for the brokered convention? In the number 7 slot is Sarah Palin (7) who is pulling out all the stops in her quest to be Donald Trump’s VP. At the number 8 slot, we’re going to talk about Donald Trump’s butler Anthony Senecal (8). In the number 9 slot is Phil Robertson, yes of the Duck Dynasty Robertson clan. He has a “radical” idea about bathrooms, and if you guessed it’s not that radical you are correct. Finally this week we’re going to talk about one of my favorite subjects – beer. No matter what time of day it is, there’s absolutely nothing that beats a tall frosty one. But more specifically there’s one headline in the beer world that’s grabbing attention and that’s Budweiser (10) is changing it’s name to “America”. Because, America. Yeah we’ll go in depth on this one. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


[font size="8"]George Zimmerman[/font]


So we can all agree that overrated hall monitor George Zimmerman is one of the most disgusting human beings on the planet right? Well thanks to batshit insane gun nuts he’s about to get filthy rich if this auction goes according to plan. First off the NY Daily News nails it once again:



So George Zimmerman. America’s favorite teenage murdering hall monitor psychopath, has been trying to auction off the gun he used to murder Trayvon Martin. Yes, he is trying to auction the gun he used to murder Trayvon Martin. I can’t say that enough ladies and gentlemen. Let’s start with the NY Daily News Article:

What a colossal douchebag!! First he’s championing himself on the pity card when we all know that he’s had a history of violence from the law since the trial and that Trayvon pleaded for his life before he was shot. So that part is bullshit. And selling this as an “American History Icon”? How delusional is that? OMG!!!! So he had a starting bid of $5,000 (US):



Delusional!! Wow. Just…. The mere fact that he’s trying to market it as “owning a piece of American history” is about as stunningly ignorant as it gets. He’s just pandering to the gun nuts at this point. But here’s where the auction site that Zimmerman put the auction up, well, took it down:





But oh wait – the auction site allowed it to proceed and now if these numbers are to be believed he could net something like $65 million from this sale. And here’s where I love the internet, you may cringe hard at the fact that the gun used to murder Trayvon Martin reached astronomical levels. While the gun may be going for $65 million currently, they are not coming from legitimate accounts. What you mean “Racist McShootface” and “Weedlord Bonerhitler” aren’t legitimate accounts? I’m shocked I tell you!


#Weedlord Bonerhitler

But there is some good news – according to the Orlando Sentinel, the second auction could be taken down as early as this week:



And in case you were wondering, you know where the money that Zimmerman was going to make from this auction was going to go to? Well here’s what he planned to spend the money on:



So not only is Zimmerman a colossal dick, he plans to use this money for colossal dick purposes like fighting anti-firearm propaganda and ending the career of the woman who led the prosecution against him. Wow, could you be any more of a huge douchebag?? I don’t think so! Couldn't he just not be a dick for one minute?




[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


So while Donald Trump has emerged as the front runner in the GOP primaries. And now that the dust has settled my friends, he is also emerging as this week’s king idiot. Because, well in the words of Radiohead, he is the bony king of nowhere. Whatever that means. But… ladies and gentlemen, as we now know, Donald Trump has a plan to make us all winners! Because there will be no stupid losers on his watch! But if Donald Trump wants to be the third world dictator of the free world, let’s talk some poll numbers shall we? In one issue a while back I said that Trump would need to capture 3 key demos in order to become president, and we all know how low one particular group is polling as I pointed out last week with Trump’s bizarre Cinco De Mayo celebration. But Donald Trump isn’t even polling well within his own party! I give you exhibit A:



Holy shit!!! 40%! I’m surprised it’s that low! That means that 4 in 10 of registered REPUBLICANS – not democrats – REPUBLICANS – would vote for Trumpenfuror in the general election. But the other key demos he needs to capture are women and African American voters. I give you exhibit B:



Wow, that’s pretty damn low!



Do we go for the trifecta? How low is he polling with African American voters?





Now just to go for the Superfecta – how low is he polling among young voters?





But this is my favorite poll ever. When someone has a poll number that’s this low, they tend to fuck with it. And when numbers for a certified candidate are that low, people instead of asking of things they don’t approve of, start asking more about things they do approve of. And one poll came up with this:





That’s right! Head lice, Nickelback, traffic jams, hipsters, used car salesman and the DMV all have higher polling numbers than Trumpenfuror! He is somehow surprisingly more popular than cockroaches and hemorrhoids.






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


So now that we’ve shown you how Donald Trump is the real stupid loser in this whole mess of an election, how does the man plan to make us all winners? Well in order to figure out his motif, let’s get into his mindset. “Everyone but me is a stupid loser!!! Nobody is as smart, capabale or a better real estate broker than I am, I make the best decisions and use the best words, and nobody has a bigger penis than I do!”. OK… we are officially in character. With that out of the way, how does he plan to make us all winners? Why taking away the minimum wage for starters!





This comes at a time when there’s more calls than ever for every worker in America to be able to make a sustainable, living wage. Like this. Before I post this article, go back and read the last entry about Trump’s polling numbers among youth voters and this should in no way shock you. But what else is Trumpenfuror doing to piss people off? Why let’s consult the SPLC about their view on the Trump effect on kids:



That’s right! Donald Trump has led to an increase in bullying, harassment, and intimidation of violence against those who Trump has targeted! What a shock! By the way in case you’re like me and thinking about fleeing the US if Trumpenfuror somehow becomes the 45th president of these United States of ours, there’s a new dating company that is matching Canadian citizens with Trump refugees (which I’m surprised he hasn’t branded and trademarked that name yet ):



Kind of makes me wish I had thought of a business like that during the Bush administration, I would be raking in the dough now! Especially if Trumpenfuror plans to overturn Roe V Wade and eliminate the minimum wage like he’s been threatening. Wait – what the what???? He would eliminate Roe V. Wade? Back up! Beep! Beep!





But hey Donald, if you’re going to make threats like this and ruin our basic way of life that we’ve been building the last 200 years, we want to see your tax returns!






[font size="8"]Roy Moore [/font]


So a Top 10 hall of famer – Roy Moore – got his ass handed to him last week. It turns not only didn’t he get shit canned, it turns out things are about to get much, much worse for the intensely homophobic justice. But first off – we have to talk about his incessant whining. Turns out that Mr. Moore is getting the shit sued out of him, and in some really bad ways too. And that’s someone who, a guy who has consistently made life miserable for America’s LGBT community, deserves every bit of shit thrown at him. So here’s what he’s been whining about lately:





Well. What’s blathering about is this:



But who is Ambrosia Starling? Well let’s pool our collective resources together and find out, shall we?



Holy shit!!! That’s the second time Roy Moore called out Ambrosia… and she is fighting back with all fours. And hey, if it takes a drag queen to take out one of the most ultra conservative, homophobic bigots off the bench, I’m all for it!


[font size="8"]The Bathroom Police[/font]


First off, I have to give props to the Wedge Brewing Company of Asheville, North Carolina who printed this on their beer cans in response to HB-2:



But you know that Obama himself addressed the issue this week and called on all school districts to be accommodating to trans students? Which resulted in douchebag fundie talk show host Tony Perkins calling for Obama's impeachment:



Is it any wonder why I absolutely despise these people and their hatred and bigotry? Does that make me intolerant of their intolerance? The sooner this issue goes away the better. But only if good triumphs over evil, and the Bathroom Police are becoming more and more evil by the day! And just look at what one North Carolina school district announced would happen at their schools!



Holy fucking shit!!! And I don’t mean the kind of pepper spray that you put on your Taco Bell Grilled Stuft XXL Burrito. I mean the kind of pepper spray that can burn somebody’s fucking eyes out of their skull. But in other stranger news regarding the bathroom police, both the state of North Carolina and the DOJ have filed dueling lawsuits over HB-2:



But here’s where Pat McCrory fails to understand the logic behind HB-2 and compares it to the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which this is a direct violation of:



OMG!! Wow, one thing I got to give McCrory credit for – he has some fucking balls to say shit like that! But still… “This was an argument we didn’t need to have” – boo fucking hoo! You’re the one who started it asshole!! You could have avoided this whole thing and tossed the bill out but you are a blithering jackass who pandered to batshit insane Christian fundies in order to get votes! Just… argh! Shut the fuck up! Stop talking! When you’re in a hole, Pat, stop digging!




[font size="8"]Mitt Romney[/font]


So in a case of the pot calling the kettle black, Mitt Romney has pulled out all the stops in his effort to get Donald Trump to spill the beans on his tax returns. What is Trump hiding, you may ask? And I answer you good sir / madam with the answer – we don’t know! But Mitt Romney is determined to find out! In fact he’s saying that Trump should be disqualified – disqualified if he doesn’t release his tax returns!



And of course Trumpenfuror would fire back with his best Jedi mind trick!



But what is Trump hiding? That is the question on the table! But here’s where Donald Trump’s tax returns are best explained in very simple terms that even a non auditor can understand!



Yes!!!! Woooooooooooo!! That will shut them up! So it’s perfectly OK for Trumpenfuror to release the tax returns on his casino properties but not his presidential campaign? Well maybe Mitt Romney might actually be on to something!

And while on the subject of Donald Trump’s tax returns, Lou Dobbs was on the O’Reilly Factor and tried to justify Trumpenfuror’s lack of tax returns by comparing him to Jesus. Let’s roll tape!










[font size="8"]Sarah Palin [/font]


So in what seems like it’s a play straight out of an elementary school kids’ handbook, Sarah Palin very badly wants to be Donald Trump’s vice presidential pick. So much that she was screaming “pick me! Pick me!!!”.



But in that same PR, Palin also said that it would come with some baggage. I don’t know like word salad speeches and her chugging 7-11 big gulps?



“Yeah we’re not going to hurt anybody because we want to take America back!!!”. Who are you taking it back from? What are you taking it back to?
#PalinBigGulp




[font size="8"]Anthony Senecal [/font]


Who is Anthony Senecal? Why he’s Donald Trump’s former Butler. And in case you were wondering, this edition’s title this week is of course that from an episode from the Leslie Nielsen TV comedy “Police Squad” that inspired one of my favorite movies of all time – “The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!”. But before we get into the entry on Donald Trump’s butler and why he’s just as much of a raging psychopath as Donald Trump is, some actual psychologists and psychiatrists weighed in on Donald Trump’s mental condition:



Yes Donald Trump is literally a narcissistic psychopath ladies and gentlemen! If you remember past Idiots editions, I called it back in Idiots #12, and I don’t have a medical degree of any kind! This is one of those things that’s so painfully obvious that you don’t need to be a psychologist or a psychiatrist to figure out! So getting back to Trump’s butler, he is just as much of a creep as Trump is, and here’s some choice quotes of his:



Holy shit!!!! He’s Donald Trump’s racist uncle!



#TheButlerDidIt #ABirdInTheHand

He’s that one relative who you sit next to at Thanksgiving dinner who spouts off his unfiltered Fox News talking points that no one wants to hear. But in case you were wondering, he did inflate Donald Trump’s ego by calling him “king” (of what, we’re still unclear about) :



Heil King Trump! He’s the king of……………. Something. Who knows? Maybe he’s the “Bony King Of Nowhere” that Radiohead refers to in their song “There There”. But in case you were wondering why yes the Secret Service is actively investigating his threat made against Obama:




[font size="8"]Phil Robertson[/font]


We’ve been going into great detail about North Carolina’s HB-2 and the madness surrounding it very extensively in the last month or so. But there’s one guy out there who thinks that he might have a solution to end all the madness! I give you Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson. Yes that same backwoods, bearded, gay hating sociopath who somehow thinks he’s a “man of God”. Well he has an idea that could solve everything! I mean just… this could end it folks!! And especially considering how great of a political track record they have!





Wow………………….. he put a lot of thought into that didn’t he?

This guy is seriously fucked up. I don’t know how we here at the Top 10 missed this but as long as we’re still talking about this asshole, we must report this. So extremely far right batshit crazy conspiracy theory end times pastor Rick Wiles aired this speech in which he jokes (once again, republican humor… ) about a Christian breaking into a atheists home and cutting off his penis while murdering and raping his wife and kids. Wow, to even go there…



Yeah like these psychos are going to convert anybody to their religion. If I were interested in converting and heard that shit, I would go as far away from those people as much as humanly possible. Oh ha ha ha ha ha… never mind the atheist family getting raped, tortured and murdered. I mean this is just a hypothetical fantasy right?

But there's more:



Gee.............. ya think? I'm sick and repulsed just hearing this! Excuse me a minute...



But here’s where things get even scarier – Robertson goes full Hitler, and you never go full Hitler:








[font size="8"]America: The Beer[/font]




Budweiser. That yellow-ish liquid that somehow calls itself “beer” that is so shitty that the Germans refused to sell it when they hosted the World Cup back in 2006. When the Germans don’t want it, you know it’s bad. And it’s the official beer of the World Cup.



And yes this is a thing. But sadly we here in the US can’t stop buying Budwesier. It is still one of the highest selling beers in all of America. But now Anheuser-Busch, which is actually owned by Belgian-Brazilian conglomerate In Bev, wants to *BE* America, literally. Specifically this happened:



Yes your eyes are not deceiving you. In Bev literally wants Budweiser to be called “America” and is changing the Budweiser cans to reflect that:



And as you can imagine this has prompted a widespread internet backlash with of course some creative Tweeting.



I love the guy who said that Budwesier is the official beer of Idiocracy. But in a world where water is replaced with Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator, how do you brew beer with that?

But there’s a great piece on Market Watch where they just completely tear into In Bev’s decision on Budweiser. Here’s an excerpt:





And of course we can’t do this piece without mentioning that – why, yes, of course Donald Trump is taking credit for In Bev’s marketing choices.



You may laugh but there actually is some truth. Sure, Donald Trump took credit, but here’s where marketing executives are actually admitting, admitting that the uptick in America-themed advertising is a direct result of Donald Trump’s campaign:


“Well anyone who isn’t American as I am is a stupid loser!” – Donald Trump

But here’s where I love the internet. While In Bev is a Belgium company, and they own Anheuser-Bush, the parent company of Budweiser, it didn’t take long for the internet to explode with hilarious memes and pointing out the flaws in In Bev’s plan:





But here’s my favorite part of the In Bev press release – they actually state that their rationale for this marketing concept is that they’re combining two great things at once – Budweiser and America:

Yes that’s an actual quote from a Budweiser representative. Combining two things at once? Gee, where have I heard that before?



Yes! They’re using the exact same method Mountain Dew used for their infamous “Puppy Monkey Baby” commercial! Well done!



See you next week!

Ed. Note – the Top 10 is now on Twitter! So follow us at @DUInitechTop10 and you can interact with the hashtags in this edition. Your comment might even be posted!. Do it now why don’t you?

May 13, 2016

NY Daily News Nails It On George Zimmerman:

May 9, 2016

John Oliver Exposes The Real Research Behind "Recent Studies" & Gives His Own Todd Talk

May 8, 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #26: Why Would God Let Trump Happen? Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #26: Why Would God Let Trump Happen? Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! So I saw Dream Theater last night. Absolutely incredible show. My favorite thing about the metal community is that everyone follows and listens to the same bands. I saw lots of Iron Maiden, Pink Floyd, Rush, Symphony X, Opeth shirts, you name it. But the show was incredible. They have this new album out that's a 2 1/2 hour double disc concept album they put out called "The Astonishing". The album itself is unreal, but seeing it live is indescribable - it really is like seeing a movie unfold before your very eyes with a live band in front of it! I've been a fan of theirs a long time but until last night I had no idea how much range James LaBrie had in his voice. He sang both the male and female parts. Seriously, name any voice actor out there and I'm sure chances are good that they couldn't do what LaBrie is doing. If you have the chance see this show. And buy the album while you're at it, support the metal! And especially support boundary-pushing bands like Dream Theater! So let’s get to it. But first Stephen Colbert wants to know why would God let Donald Trump happen?



This is kind of our first special edition for the 2016 elections here. Because now that Donald Trump has triumphed over all contenders, we can’t bring you the Trump free edition that we promised. But you know folks, let’s talk series finales. You know – those gigantic episodes where they kind of wrap everything up in a nice, neat package and send off all your favorite characters, round up your favorite guest stars, have some crazy plot twists, that sort of thing. And for Obama, before he packs up his White House for good, that series finale was last week’s White House Correspondents Dinner. And a series finale can either be great, or it can be a shit show. Breaking Bad – awesome finale. Dexter – shit show. M*A*S*H – great finale. Seinfeld – shit show. Well you get the idea. You know what they say – all great things must come to an end. Anyway the series finale for the Obama administration is arguably the White House Correspondents Dinner. And this year? It was about half way between being great and being a complete shit show. But speaking of shit shows, not one, but the top 2 slots are going to go to the Bathroom Police (1, 2). In the first slot the AFA is turning up the insanity in regards to North Carolina's HB-2, but in the second slot we're going to show you that it's not all doom and gloom for the transgendered community. At number 3 and 4 we're going to recap Obama's send off with the White House Correspondents Dinner recap. Taking the 5th seed, is the biggest loser of the GOP - Ted Cruz, and we'll have Donald Trump's reactions to some of his comments. At number 6 and 7 is well, Trumpenfuror himself. At number six we're going to tell you how he spent Cinco De Mayo, while the 7th slot is going to talk about his biggest supporters - racist uncles. In the number 8 slot, we're going to talk about the Donald Trump Deflectors (8) which would not only make an awesome cheerleading squad, but people who are actually in power don't like the fact that he might actually wield power. At number 9, Dennis Hastert (9) is attempting to use the GOP "Get out of jail free" card. And finally this week, because I don't want you to get burned out on Donald Trump news, we’re going to talk about poop. Because I am a 12 year old (metaphorically of course). Wait, don’t go! And more specifically, we’re going to Akron, Ohio for this one. It turns out that a serial pooper (10) is on the loose, and this story is even crazier than you would think it is. Not to mention there’s lots of articles filled with bad puns and poop jokes for your amusement! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key !


[font size="8"]The Bathroom Police[/font]


Sigh… North Carolina’s HB-2 law isn’t going away any time soon. In fact things are getting worse than ever for America’s transgendered community. But before I get into it this week, can we talk about some of the things Caitlyn Jenner has been doing? Are you guys fine with that? I knew you would be! I mean did we really need to know that she used the ladies’ room at Trump Tower in New York City? What purpose did that serve? It would have made more of a statement if she used the ladies’ room at a Target in Greensboro.



Great that she took some pot shots at Ted Cruz. But how is this a controversy! It’s 2016! And she was in New York City, where that’s allowed! I mean come on people!!! But do we really need her on the cover of the SI Swimsuit Issue? I feel like this is going to hurt the trans community more than it is going to help:



I can seriously picture the heads of MRAs, frat boys, and all the other SI Swimsuit Issue subscribers doing this:







But North Carolina’s HB-2 may be overturned because it is a direct violation of the Civil Rights Act passed in 1964:



But in an even greater act of defiance than Caitlyn Jenner using the ladies’ room at Trump Tower, the bullies who created HB-2 are calling the kettle black:



You guys directly violated a federal civil rights law! There’s only one thing I have to say about that!



Last week after I reported that an AFA attorney admitted that she would “shoot to kill” anyone who dares use the bathroom with which they most identify, or a cop who would beat the shit out of trans people, the American Family Asshats admitted that they were doing this:



You know AFA, by continuing to harass and threaten trans people, you’re not helping your case. In fact you’re only advancing the cause for these laws to get overturned by SCOTUS (which they will eventually) and you’re only making yourselves look like assholes here. As evidence, I give you exhibit A:



And yes there is tape of this:





But if you want to see what an actual sex crime that the GOP is afraid of looks like, once again, why the people committing these atrocities are not trans people! Instead the fundies are guiltier of sex crimes than just about anybody!



Holy fucking shit. So let me see if I can follow their logic, or lack thereof: It’s not OK for trans people to use the restroom of their choice. But it’s OK for the Quiverfull movement to overpopulate the planet and sell young women off into sex slavery, and they look the other way on child rape. Ain’t these people great?




[font size="8"]The Bathroom Police Pt. 2[/font]


So it's not all doom and gloom for the trans community. In fact governor Pat McCrory not only has a sad, he is taking it out on the people he's accusing of creating the backlash against HB-2. But before I explain why, can we get the Sad Hulk Music?



[div class="excerpt"] http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/davidbadash/watch_pat_mccrory_says_hb2_didn_t_cause_backlash_this_was_started_by_the_left
Governor Pat McCrory says that HB2 is not to blame for the billions of dollars and thousands of jobs lost in North Carolina. His sweeping anti-LGBT law, parts of which were declared illegal by the U.S. Dept. of Justice Wednesday afternoon, has been specifically mentioned by countless corporations and performers as the reason they are refusing to do business in the Tar Heel state. McCrory denied any and all responsibility for HB2 and its effects, despite having called for the law after Charlotte passed a nondiscrimination ordinance, and despite having signed HB2 into law less than 12 hours after it was first introduced into the General Assembly.

"I don't think it was HB2 that caused it, regardless of what you and the national press might say," Gov. McCrory said early Wednesday evening at the N.C. Chamber Annual Government Affairs Conference.

"This was started by the left," the Republican governor insisted, despite the fact that nine other North Carolina municipalities have had the same or similar ordinances for years, with no push back from previous governors or state lawmakers. "In fact most of the national media thinks the right started this issue, it was the political left," he repeated.

McCrory, after having discussed the Houston Equal Rights Ordinance, and ignoring Charlotte's failed nondiscrimination ordinance last year, then claimed "this was never an issue until just recently, and it came out of the woodwork. And it came, this particular issue, came from the political left," McCrory again repeated.

Can I be the first to call out McCrory on this? Because we all know what we are thinking with this one!



But even though it's bullshit here's where things are looking up. Oregon is doing everything right that North Carolina should have done.

[div class="excerpt"] http://www.oregonlive.com/education/index.ssf/2016/05/oregon_lays_out_sweeping_prote.html
Transgender students across Oregon should be able to use the bathrooms, names and pronouns they want, according to unprecedented guidelines released Thursday by the Oregon Department of Education.

In a sweeping 15-page document the department issued what are likely to be controversial suggestions for Oregon educators — directing them to allow transgender females to play girls sports, for example, and transgender boys to wear tuxedos to prom.

They also suggest school leaders use transgender students' preferred names, even if that differs from a legal name, on all transcripts and diplomas. And they say the state will require no proof before changing a student's gender in Oregon records.

"A student who says she is a girl and wishes to be regarded that way throughout the school day should be respected and treated like any other girl," the document reads. "So too with a student who says he is a boy."

That's how it should be done!

But... it gets even better! First Target is not the only store fighting back against HB-2 and the AFA. Other companies have joined in:

[div class="excerpt"]http://www.newnownext.com/starbucks-barnes-noble-join-target-in-instituting-trans-friendly-bathroom-policies/05/2016/
Starbucks, Hudson’s Bay Co.—parent company to Lord & Taylor and Saks Fifth Avenue—and Barnes & Noble have all come out in support of trans people’s rights to use the bathrooms that best align with their gender identities.


There's talk from the DOJ that North Carolina might repeal HB-2 as early as next week. Oh wait.... they're not doing that.

[div class="excerpt"] http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/davidbadash/north_carolina_s_gop_speaker_of_the_house_is_lying_his_ass_off
On Wednesday, the U.S. Dept. of Justice officially notified the State of North Carolina, in a letter to Gov. McCrory, that HB2 is illegal. The DOJ, in its three-page letter explaining why HB2 is illegal, demanded Gov. McCrory respond by Monday at 6:00 PM EDT, stating if he will cease enforcing HB2.

The DOJ noted that if the governor missed the deadline, it could withhold hundreds of millions, and possibly billions of dollars in federal funding.

Enter North Carolina's grandstanding Speaker of the House, GOP Rep. Tim Moore. Thursday afternoon, Moore held a press conference blaming President Obama, and, spectacularly, stating North Carolina had no intention of meeting the DOJ deadline.

“We will take no action by Monday,” Moore told reporters Thursday, as reported by Colin Campbell of the News & Observer. “That deadline will come and go. We don't ever want to lose any money, but we're not going to get bullied by the Obama administration to take action prior to Monday's date. That's not how this works.”

But this is the same party who said they would not be bullied by Obama! They're only doing.... exactly.... what..... they said they would.... do...? But you know what? Every time that Christian people think they're entitled to harass an innocent trans person just needing to take a piss, because a sex crime "might take place", I'm going to fight back by showing actual really fucked up things they do in regards to sex while claiming to be Christian. Are you guys OK with that? I knew you would be! Like this!

[div class="excerpt"] Earlier today, we posted about a Christian group planning on holding a retreat for parents who wanted to marry off their children. Making matters worse, the host of the event, Vaughn Ohlman, suggested that the kids could be as young as their early teens.

As of tonight, however, that event has been canceled.

The retreat — and that word seems particularly apt here — was slated to take place at Camp Hiawatha in Wichita, Kansas, a campground owned by the Salvation Army. The group denied any involvement with Ohlman’s organization Let Them Marry once the story went viral online:

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/05/05/christian-mans-retreat-to-arrange-marriages-for-kids-has-been-canceled/?utm_source=SilverpopMailing&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=friendlyatheist_050616UTC050521_daily&utm_content=&spMailingID=51319515&spUserID=MTE4MTY1MzAzMTE5S0&spJobID=920742067&spReportId=OTIwNzQyMDY3S0

Yes! Arranged marriages are a thing in America for some reason. Or this:

[div class="excerpt"]http://www.alternet.org/tea-party-and-right/purity-balls-plan-b-and-bad-sex-policy-inside-americas-virginity-obsession

The men and girls in the photos hold hands and embrace – the young women are in long white dresses, the men in suits or military regalia. If some of the girls in the pictures weren't so young - Laila and Maya Sa up there are seven and five years old, respectively - the portraits could be mistaken for wedding or prom pictures. What they actually capture, though, are images of those who participate in purity balls – father-daughter dances featuring girls who pledge to remain virgins until marriage and fathers who promise to protect their daughters' chastity.

The images from Swedish photographer David Magnusson's new book, Purity, are beautiful, disturbing and tell a distinctly American story – a story wherein a girl's virginity is held up as a moral ideal above all else, a story in which the most important characteristic of a young woman is whether or not she is sexually active. This narrative of good girls and bad girls, pure girls and dirty girls, is one that follows young women throughout their lives. Purity balls simply lay that dichotomy bare. In a clip from a Nightline Prime episode on these disconcerting events , a father tells his braces-clad daughter, "You are married to the Lord, and your father is your boyfriend." (Update: As part of a purity event over the weekend sponsored by the Las Vegas police department, one of its officers told girls that if they had pre-marital sex they would end up rape victims, gang members, drug addicts or prostitutes.)

So by following their logic again - it's not OK for trans people to use the bathroom of their choice or identify by the gender they feel the most comfortable with. But the Christian right has absolutely no problem with selling the idea of arranged marriages. And they're also perfectly OK with a creepy dance where daughters pledge their virginity to their fathers. #FundiesSoCreepy



[font size="8"]White House Correspondents Dinner Recap Pt. 1[/font]




Boom. So if the Obama administration were a TV series, the final state of the union which was given back in February, would be the penultimate episode, like Breaking Bad’s “Granite State”, or the Sopranos’ “The Blue Comet”.. The White House Correspondents Dinner (WHCD) or “Nerd Prom” as it’s often called, would be the series finale. And just like any good series finale, the WHCD was chock full of the things you’d expect from a great series finale – you’d bring back series regulars, fan favorites, maybe have an exciting plot twist at the end which long time viewers weren’t expecting. And any series finale can go two ways – the first is that it can be spectacular, like Breaking Bad, M*A*S*H, or The Sopranos. Or it can be like Seinfeld or Dexter, and be a complete shit show. This was the latter. Rather than have fan favorite guest stars return and maybe the plot twist you were expecting, instead you got Larry Willmore. Love him or hate him, let’s roll tape and let you decide.



But more specifically here’s a transcript of some of the remarks that Mr. Wilmore made:



But see here’s the thing – Stephen Colbert – who did the WHCD in 2006 in the early days of the Colbert Report – crushed it. I mean most of what he said back then still rings true 10 years later. I mean was Larry Wilmore attempting to do the same thing? But the president himself had some great stuff at his final big WHCD dinner speech. Let’s first roll tape and then discuss:







Oh snap!!! He didn’t go there did he! But in typical Top 10 fashion, let’s fact check that shit and see if there’s any truth to President Obama’s statement shall we?



“I’m not exactly sure how Mr. Obama feels about this subject! See I make the best decisions, I use the best words, and I have a gigantic penis. I’m the best real estate broker in the entire world! I will build the best wall, I will hire the best contractors, and Mexico is going to pay for it!”

But wait – go back to this part from that last article.



Think about that statement for a minute. If it was good enough for Trump, it must be a safe bet. Um… excuse me? Have you been paying attention to the same Trump that I have been paying to??? Go back and read that statement again. Read it several times if you have to. But there is definitely truth to what President Obama is saying! And Mr. Trump’s comment?




[font size="8"]White House Correspondents Dinner Recap Pt. 2[/font]


Well the insanity didn’t just stop with Larry Wilmore’s speech. The real batshit insanity that nearly turned the final WHCD for Obama into a total shit show happened at the after party. Can I get the appropriate music for this entry?



How much do I love the Lonely Island? Let me count the ways!

So here’s what made the series finale for the Obama administration turn from what should have been a celebration of the last 8 years into a complete shit show:





Whoa! Let’s stop there for a minute! So this entire thing stems from a beef from the 2009 WHCD when O’Reilly’s producer had a beef with the Huffington Post and took it out on the writer that was sent there to cover the event. But here’s my favorite part of this story:






[font size="8"]Ted Cruz [/font]


So audience, I need your help to decide the appropriate music for this entry. Can you help me out here? Choice #1:



Or:



Or:



Or:



Or my personal favorite:



Yeah let’s go with that one.

So Ted Cruz is gone ladies and gentlemen! We have lost another one!


But he didn’t go quietly. He couldn’t leave without taking a few pot shots at Trumpenfuror.



Wait… morality doesn’t exist for him? Do you belong to the same GOP as last year or the same GOP in the last few weeks? Dennis Hastert – this guy was a tick away from being president, and he’s a child rapist. You know what he’s getting? He’s getting the GOP “pray for forgiveness” get out of jail free card! That’s moral? What the hell? We’ll talk about that later on. But back to Cruz, let’s post some choice quotes from the man and see what Mr. Trump says. Like:



Trump: “I’m not exactly sure how Mr. Cruz feels on this issue. I always tell the truth! Even when I lie! I’m a real life Tony Montana! You know, everyone loves Scarface because he always fought back against the establishment and that’s what I’m doing! And just like Tony, I also have a gigantic penis! Don’t ask me how I know that!”



Or:



Trump: “How dare you! I’m very moral! I’m the most moral guy you are ever going to meet! My wife is very hot. In fact she’s the hottest woman on the planet and she’ll make an unbelievably hot first lady. I mean come on, how many countries on earth can say their first lady is the hottest woman on the planet?”

Or:



Trump: “I’ve got a real problem with women? How dare you again sir! I have an amazing record with women. I know – my wife is scalding hot and my daughter is also scalding hot! And hey I’m not the one who did this to your wife after finding out you lost to me!”

And yes this happened:

.


While I don’t usually post satire articles in the Top 10, I have to give mention to this Borowitz Report, which brilliantly says what we’re all thinking:






[font size="8"]Donald Trump [/font]


So for this entry we really got to talk about how Trumpenfuror celebrated Cinco De Mayo. I mean this is about as batshit crazy as it gets. Do I need to remind everyone of how low Trump is polling with the Latino community?


That’s right! His numbers are not just low, but a negative 77% rating among Hispanic and Latino voters! To give you an idea of how low of a number that is, right now, *I* have a polling approval rating among the Latino community of 0%. Well hey nobody asked!

But how did Donald Trump celebrate Cinco De Mayo? By posting this bizarre picture of himself eating a taco salad made at Trump Tower:



So he eats a taco salad and claims he loves Hispanics? That would be like me listening to a Norwegian black metal band and going “I LOVE NORWAY!!!!” I mean remember our Taco Bell hating friend Clem O’Connor (see Idiots #10)? To put things in perspective, that guy has more of a respect for Mexican culture than Donald Trump does! *AND* he has a higher approval rating among Latino voters than Donald Trump does! So let’s throw the Tweet up there:




By the way let’s zoom in on that shall we?




Yes! The placemat he’s using for his taco salad is none other than a picture of his first wife Marla Maples! Well done! #MYWIFE!!!



But Samantha Bee, formerly of the Daily Show, had a great response:



And in case you were wondering, this indeed backfired on him big time:



And here’s the top 3 most liked responses on Facebook in response to Trumpenfuror’s Tweet:



By the way in case you were wondering, the New York Eater reviewed the taco salad at Trump Tower. In a city filled with amazing food, why would anyone choose to eat something that’s bland and tasteless? #TrumpFoodSoBland







[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


Donald Trump, congratulations! You just won the Republican primary without having to wait for the RNC! What are you going to do?

Trump: “I’m not just going to go to Disneyland, no. I am going to go to Disney World, buy Epcot Center, gut it, and turn it into my personal billiards room! Because that’s what true winners like me who are very smart, very rich, and very good with money would do!”

So hypothetical situation time. You’re Donald Trump and you just won the GOP primaries last week. Now what do you do? Start picking vice presidents? Well he named some names, and those names don’t exactly agree with his choice:



But one guy who might be open for consideration is a favorite punching bag here at the Top 10 and that’s David Duke:



And we’ve often said here that Donald Trump is the perfect leader for the KKK, and calling him “Trumpenfuror” and “Adolf Hitler Jr” maybe taking things a bit too far, methinks. Well not really especially when you figure that Donald Trump is the candidate of choice for white supremacists. Like this guy:







[font size="8"]The Donald Trump Deflectors [/font]


Sorry GOP but you own this one. Donald Trump is the candidate you created. I don’t want to talk about Donald Trump all the time, quite frankly I’m getting sick of it, but now that he’s inexplicably the front runner he’s going to be on the national stage all the time. The rest of the world is probably laughing at us. This is just jaw-droppingly stupid:



Wait so he wants to bankrupt America so it can pull itself back up? Excuse me? Have you seen how much debt the US is in already?

But here’s where the GOP doesn’t want anything to do with Trump. First there’s a list of people who *DO NOT* want to be Donald Trump’s VP:



John McCain is calling out that Trump’s victory has hurt his reelection chances:




Even Sean Hannity is suggesting that Paul Ryan is leading a circular firing squad against Trump:




[font size="8"]Dennis Hastert [/font]


So the GOP loves to “pray for forgiveness”. And they will do just about anything to save their own from getting indicted for the most evil shit imaginable. Like Dennis Hastert for instance. I briefly mentioned this last week but we need to bring it into the spotlight this week.


Holy fucking shit! You know I think there’s a cell mate in a Pennsylvania penitentiary who would make a perfect match for Dennis. I mean Jesus. First you have sex with an underage teenage boy. Then you pay him off to keep quiet. Then the check… fucking bounces! Could this be just as bad or worse than the Penn State situation? Um… I think it’s worse. You have a guy who’s the former SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE doing this and then bribing his victims to keep quiet. This is about as evil as it gets folks! But it gets better! Or… worse?


Let’s stop there for a minute. So who is an ally of Dennis Hastert? Why it’s another former GOP House speaker who was indicted for criminal fraud, among other crimes – Tom DeLay! Let’s continue.

Wow, what a plethora of conservative Christian white men! Gee tell me more! And they’re all pulling the GOP’s favorite “get out of jail free” card which if you guessed… *drum roll*… is… wait for it… “pray for forgiveness”! Why it’s the same thing Robert Bentley is trying to invoke to get him off the hook!




[font size="8"]Serial Poopers[/font]


Grab your seats ladies, and gentlemen, boys and girls, LGBT and gender non conformers. Or should I say gather your toilets? I am going to channel my inner 12 year old male humor for this entry. Because we have a serial pooper on the loose! And to go with this story, lots of articles filled with bad puns and poop jokes! I mean come on, in the words of the late, great George Carlin, what’s a comedy show without some shit jokes? Let’s go to Akron, Ohio for this story, shall we?



Children’s toys??? Hey AFA! You want to know what an actual bathroom crime looks like? I mean what’s more creepy than a guy taking a shit on children’s playground equipment? Well so this guy in Ohio isn’t the first to be a serial pooper. You might remember this story from last year when a Norwegian golf course reported a similar story:




My favorite part of that story is that he goes out of his way to make sure that he brings a roll of toilet paper with him. I mean come on if you're going to do the nasty in public, you got to make sure you have a clean ass right? But let’s go back to Ohio for a minute. The story of the Serial Pooper is a disgusting one, and it may have gone as far back as last year. But the pooper is still at large. Whether or not this is the same one that surfaced in Ohio City last week may or may not be the same one. Ohio City is a suburb of Cleveland, which isn’t too far from Akron where the original incidents took place:



Load of crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Excuse me a minute!



Crapstorm! Excuse me a minute again…

But you know, after the first 19 counts of public defecation, do you stop there or do you go for the full 20? Decisions, decisions!





[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8"]A-Rod Gets Wood[/font]

You know I’m kind of disappointed in the audience here. This is where I would have announced the winners of the Top 10 troll off vs. the white supremacists who are trying to rig the Hugo Awards, but we had no takers. None. What’s a guy got to do to get a hashtag promoted? Yeah I know we lack the marketing departments of Bill Maher, Trevor Noah, or John Oliver, but still… so to get you to remind you to participate next time, I’m instead going to leave you with this unseeable image from a recent Red Sox vs. Yankees game at Fenway – what was A-Rod doing? #ARodGetsWood



You’re welcome.

See you next week!

Ed. Note: The Top 10 is now on Twitter! Follow us at @DUInitechTop10, and you can interact with the hash tags in this edition! Your comment might even be posted! So do it now why don't you?

May 4, 2016

So North Carolina's HB-2 Is A Direct Civil Rights Act Violation

This is excellent news. But the fundies don't give a shit! They'll still harass and humiliate trans people even if it means:

- Beating the shit out of them: http://news.groopspeak.com/texas-gop-cop-would-beat-a-trans-woman-till-she-needed-hospital-care-gets-owned-on-his-own-post/
- Shoot to kill: http://www.addictinginfo.org/2016/04/25/christian-lawyer-threatens-transgender-women-with-gun-violence-if-they-use-same-bathroom-as-her/
- Follow them into bathrooms with the intent of harassment: http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/american-family-association-testing-target-bathrooms

And these are the people who claim to be on the side of Jesus!