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Tommy_Carcetti

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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2007, 03:49 PM
Number of posts: 38,851

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BREAKING NEWS: At RNC, Tiffany Trump expected to tell heartwarming tale about her father

Tiffany Trump, President Donald Trump's second born daughter, is expected to regale viewers of the 2020 Republican National Convention, with what people are describing as an "emotional, humanizing look at the man who is the 45th President."

"At the 2016 convention, Tiffany won the hearts of millions by describing a time where her father called her while she was in college," said one source close to the campaign. "This year, she intends to go even deeper than that. She will amaze and delight the audience by telling them about the other time her father called her while in college."

While a full transcript of the speech describing this second phone call has not yet been released, it is believed Tiffany will talk about how her father told her--among other things--"I hope your mother is doing well--What was her name again? Marcia? Mildred? Melanie?" "Say hello to Barron for me, why don't you?" and "What's your cup situation looking like? You a C? A D? An E, maybe?"

It is reported that Donald Trump spent the remaining eleven minutes on the phone call talking to Tiffany about the achievements of Ivanka Trump, the President's first-born daughter.

DETAILS AT ELEVEN

Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Tue Aug 25, 2020, 10:14 AM (30 replies)

BREAKING NEWS: Seeking to upstage Biden, Trump to replace Pence on the ticket with Diamond and Silk

Following yesterday's announcement from former Vice President and presumptive Democratic Party presidential nominee Joe Biden that he was naming California Senator Kamala Harris as his running mate, President Trump today made a shocking announcement that he would be replacing current Vice President Mike Pence on the 2020 ticket.

Seeking to offset the impact that Harris--with an ethnic background of both Caribbean-Afro-American and South Asian descent--may have in attracting diverse minority voters, the Trump campaign announced the President was switching out Vice President Pence for Lynette Hardaway and Rochelle Richardson, best known as the pair of internet personalities who go by the joint name of "Diamond and Silk."

"We did some serious polling of African-American voters in this country," Trump campaign spokesperson Hogan Gidley told reporters. "And after doing that polling and giving the results all the proper consideration we thought it actually deserved, we decided the best way to reach out to black voters was to include individuals on the ticket who best reflect who we think they are. And in this case, who we think they are is clearly one-dimensional caricatures of 'sassy' black women. Women who are not afraid to offer a sharp clapback, a quick 'Mmm-hmm!' or an impromptu 'Oh no he didn't!' Because this is someone...someones?...we feel African-Americans voters in this country would best relate to and identify with, as opposed to some complete rando who worked her way up from District Attorney to California Attorney General to U.S. Senator."

When asked how the unprecedented logistics would work if Trump is re-elected and Diamond and Silk were subsequently sworn in as Vice President, Gidley offered a rather unorthodox proposal.

"We intend to split the duties of the office evenly between the two of them," Gidley explained. "Diamond would serve as Vice President on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, while Silk would hold the office on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays."

Pressed as to who would serve as Vice President on Sundays, Gidley said that Trump's three adult children--Donald Jr., Ivanka and Eric--would be assigned to hold that office on a continually rotating basis.

Many were skeptical that the U.S. Constitution would actually allow for a situation where five different people could serve as Vice President, but Gidley remained optimistic that proper accommodations could be made.

"The President intends to issue an Executive Offer stating that such an arrangement is is totally okay, and we feel that will be the final authority on any such lingering questions," Gidley pronounced.

"Don't you mean 'Executive Order'?" one reported asked.

"Executive Order, Executive Offer, covefe, covefe, it's all the same," Gidley quickly replied in a manner that could only be truly appreciated by those actually hearing it.

At a press briefing later in the day, the President himself expressed the utmost confidence in his new running mates.

"Diamond and Silk speak to an important segment of the population, the blacks," Trump said. "The blacks, the blacks. I love the blacks, and the blacks love me. Many of them have come up to me with tears in their eyes and told me how much they love me. They say, 'Sir, if you can believe it, we think you're an even better President than Abraham Lincoln!' It's true, it's totally true. Abraham Lincoln--he freed the slaves, many people don't actually know that. And even so, I'm still better to the blacks than he ever was."

Trump was then asked if he actually knew which one of the two women was Diamond and which one was Silk.

"Of course I know that, of course I do," Trump responded. "That's a stupid question, a nasty question from a nasty fake news media reporter. Diamond is the one with glasses, and Silk is the one without glasses. It's easy, really easy to tell them apart. Anyone can do it. Well, at least any smart person such as myself."

Trump was then promptly informed that in fact both Diamond and Silk wore glasses.

"Oh," Trump said. "Well, that certainly is a big surprise. It doesn't really matter though, doesn't matter at all. Because if I die--which I myself don't intend to die, but there are some people who do die, you know--while I'm in office, my will says that Ivanka automatically becomes President. And that's exactly how it works. If a President dies, his will decides who becomes the new President. You can look it up. It's all in there, believe me."

Meanwhile, Trump's new running mates offered only brief comments about their selection to the ticket.

"Mmm-hmm!" Diamond offered.

"Oh no he didn't!" Silk proclaimed.

DETAILS AT ELEVEN






Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Wed Aug 12, 2020, 11:32 AM (10 replies)

BREAKING NEWS: White House decries "racist" attacks against controversial doctor.

In light of President Trump promoting the views of controversial physician Dr. Stella Immanuel--who appeared in an online video lauding the use of the unproven drug Hydroxychloroquine for the treatment of COVID-19--the White House has doubled down on the President's defense of the doctor.

"Leave it to the Fake News media and the Democrat Party of the KKK to attack this immigrant and brave woman of color who we do not actually employ in any sort of capacity," White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said at a recent press briefing. "And who do they dare seek to promote over this bold, brave beautiful black woman? That's right! That white devil, that nasty-ass cracker Dr. Anthony Fauci, a world renown epidemiologist who we actually do employ in our White House task force and yet also inexplicably seek to undermine at any possible waking opportunity."

"Shame!" McEnany added. "Shame! Shame! Shaaaaaammmmmmeeeeee on you!!!!!!!!"

Other officials echoed McEnany's remarks.

"It's like they want to place immigrants and minorities in their place," noted Trump campaign spokesman Hogan Gidley during an interview on Fox News. "What's next, Democrats? Are you going to demand Dr. Immanuel be forced to drink from separate drinking fountains as Dr. Fauci? Why don't you just go ahead and say it? Just say it. 'Go back to Africa, Dr. Immanuel!' We all know that's what you're really trying to say here."

Since the controversial video--which has subsequently been removed from platforms at Facebook, Twitter and Youtube--surfaced, some of Dr. Immanuel's past statements and views have come to light, including a belief that certain diseases are caused by "demon sperm."

But people close to Trump have remained undeterred in their defense of both the President and Dr. Immanuel.

"We want to send a clear message to the world that America is a country that loves, welcomes, cherishes, celebrates and promotes immigrants and people of color," White House counselor Kellyanne Conway proclaimed. "Provided, of course, that said immigrants and people of color advocate beliefs about alien DNA and a reptilian Deep State federal government who exists solely to do the bidding of homosexual terrorists. Otherwise, of course, our policy towards those types of people remains as it has always been."

Meanwhile, during a recent virus briefing, President Trump himself stood firmly behind Dr. Immanuel's positions.

"She's a wonderful doctor, a very smart doctor, a doctor who provides all the best opinions," Trump said. "Many people have come to me and asked me, 'Sir, what made you choose such a doctor to advocate for? Why did you do it, sir?' And I said to them, I told them, 'Only the best people for Trump. Only the best.' Because I think Frederick Douglass is very proud of people like Dr. Immanuel. Very proud. And he's a Republican. Not many people know that, but Frederick Douglass is a Republican. And I'm sure all the people in the Democrat Party would call for him to be silenced, just like they are doing right now for Dr. Immanuel. It's a disgrace."

When asked for further comment on the story, McEnany emailed back a response with a single line reading, "Kill Whitey!!!!!"

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.






(Note: Normally I don't feel that I have to do this, but I think I need to add an additional tag, because while this is my normal "Breaking News" satire story, I'm almost certain this is the direction that the cretins in the White House are going to eventually end up spinning the story in some form or another.)
Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Wed Jul 29, 2020, 10:46 AM (16 replies)

Watching VP Biden's speech and press conference right now and I noticed something.

He took a question from a reporter.

And when he took it, he smiled.

A real smile.

Not a smirk.

Not a grimace.

Not a scowl.

But a genuine, heartfelt smile.

To a member of the press, who presumably will be as tough on him as they would be on any other President, because that's just the nature of the job.

But it was just a simple human moment that before 2016 probably wouldn't have gotten any attention.

But the feeling that we might have a person back in the White House who can show genuine, positive, graceful emotion again....

All I am saying is we better win this.
Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Tue Jun 30, 2020, 02:00 PM (41 replies)

Here's my prediction of how November and beyond might end up playing out.

November 3rd is Election Day. Due to lingering (or perhaps full on) coronavirus effects, many states will see massive vote-by-mail numbers.

Even before midnight on November 3rd, all exit polls and early returns are pointing towards a massive Biden landslide and clear loss for Trump. Joe Biden will take the stage and address his supporters and the nation as the presumptive President-Elect.

However, because there will be far more mail-in ballots than usual, Trump will refuse to concede that night. He will insist he will stay in until "the very last vote is counted."

That will probably take up to two weeks. During those two weeks, Trump will begin raising questions about the fairness of the vote. He'll start throwing out all sorts of baseless claims of voter fraud and conspiracy theories. The more time goes on, the more unhinged he'll become.

During this time, there will be no attempt whatsoever to facilitate any sort of transition period between the administrations, so our entire government will remain in limbo.

Finally, the vote tallies are done and they are certified and ready to be sent to the Electoral College. At this point, Trump will file a lawsuit in desperation hoping to enjoin the Electoral College from finalizing the vote.

I predict he will not have much success at all in the courts. It will rapidly move all the way up to the Supreme Court, who will refuse to entertain the case, effectively confirming the will of the people and various states in electing Biden.

Now, that is as far as I am confident in predicting. What comes after that I'm far less certain of.

Here is the "best" case scenario: Trump, feeling angry, bitter and defeated, chooses to resign sometime in December. Mike Pence is sworn in as the nation's 46th President. Trump will have demanded that he be given a Nixon-like blanket pardon, and Pence, being the spineless lapdog that he is, will oblige. Pence will, however, facilitate a half-assed, hurried transition period, and on January 20, 2021, Joe Biden is sworn in as the nation's 47th President. (The next day, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg will announce a very well-earned retirement.)

As for the "worst" case scenario...well, I'd rather not go there quite yet. All I say is that it would probably look a lot like Ukraine in 2014.
Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Tue Jun 23, 2020, 10:57 AM (18 replies)

EXCLUSIVE: Trump campaign releases list of pre-approved debate moderators.

Yesterday, the Donald Trump presidential campaign announced that Trump would be willing to appear for four separate debates between him and presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden. If Trump follows through, this would represent an increase of the typical three head-to-head Presidential debates that have taken place in recent election years past.

However, this offer by the Trump campaign was made subject to several conditions. The most notable was that the moderators of these debates had to be agreed upon from a pre-approved lists. The Trump campaign did not immediately make public their list of these proposed moderators. However, in a DU exclusive, we have obtained a copy of the list and for the first time ever, will be sharing these names in the interests of consideration.

So, without further adieu, the proposed moderators from the Trump campaign include (in no particular order):

Sean Hannity
Tucker Carlson
Laura Ingrham
Mark Levin
Dan Bongino
"Judge" Jeaninne Pirro*
Rudy Giuliani
Chanel Rion
Chanel Rion's twin sister
Chanel Rion and her twin sister, together
James Woods
Natalia Veselnitskaya
A peacefully sleeping Ben Carson ("Shh! Don't wake him!" )
Cesar Sayoc a.k.a. "The MAGAbomber"
Roger Stone**
The Ghost of Rush Limbaugh
Ivanka Trump!
Donald Trump Jr.
...Eric Trump***
Those other Trump children...you know, What's-Her-Face and/or Who's-His-Name
Jared Kushner, fresh off of having read a "Debate Moderation for Dummies" handbook
Melanie Trump
Carpe Donktum
That "Blacks for Trump" Cult Leader dude
Mr. Magorium and his Wondrous Emporium
The musical duo of Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman
Tom Fitton, wearing a most dazzling golf shirt!
The human incarnation of a Ben Garrison cartoon
A bald eagle wearing an American Flag bandana
Any member of the Duggar family, even that one really creepy one
Glenn Beck's blackboard from 2010 (minus Glenn Beck)
An entire webpage comprised entirely of Taboola clickbait advertisements
Canadian rap sensation Chuggo
A bottle of hydroxychlorquine
An entire rack of MAGA hats with a sign reading, "CLEARANCE!!! MUST GO!!! 85% off!!!"

..And finally...

John Barron****!

*Please refer to the approved beverage list in the attached rider
**Pardon pending
***Reserved sighing
****Please allow for additional two hours of debate time to account for necessary pauses between all questions and answers.
Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Fri Jun 19, 2020, 10:58 AM (16 replies)

I really do have to hand it to John Bolton.

He has managed to provide us with some stunning and invaluable inside information, while still managing to remain the selfish, stubborn and otherwise useless asshole that we had all known him to be.

And with this gesture, he has spared us all having to take the time to wring our hands and debate furiously with one another, "Is John Bolton actually a good person? Is he a changed man? Is he now admirable? Do we need to speak positively of him now?"

No--no such debate is necessary, and with that time freed up, we can all go back to doing much more valuable and useful things.

John Bolton has provided us a great service, and also remains the same insufferable person we have always known him to be.

So with that, I say: Thank you, John Bolton. And also fuck you, John Bolton.

And as a measure of appreciation, I suggest we all go down to our local bookstore, pick up a copy of John Bolton's book, read it thoroughly, and then place it right back on the shelf, not spending a single penny on it.
Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Thu Jun 18, 2020, 11:00 AM (6 replies)

BREAKING NEWS: Trump decries Seattle-area senior home as "dangerous Antifa no-go zone."

President Donald Trump today spoke out against a SeaTac, Washington nursing home and senior citizen residential community which he claimed was a "breeding ground for radical Antifa terrorists" who were "seeking to destabilize the nation and subvert civil order."

In a press event accompanied by Attorney General William Barr, Trump and Barr described the Comfort Pines Assisted Living Facility as a "hotbed" for "lawless anarchists" who used the confines of the facility, guarded under the watchful protection of a single 52 year-old unarmed doorman named "Frank," to plot "activities meant to promote a ideology based in a deadly mixture of anarchy, Marxism, and idyllic sepia-colored nostalgia."

Attorney General Barr then delved into what he deemed as "intelligence reports" that laid out the details of the purported activities within the facility. Barr claimed that those residents of the facility who were designated for assignments in instigating chaos were chosen through a rather complex process wherein a vast amount of numbered balls were placed within a spinning container. Those balls were chosen at random with the number on the ball then announced to the entire group; the resident who had a card with a sufficient amount of the numbers arranged in a proper linear order was then dispatched out to the public, presumably to monitor police movements and disrupt communications.

Barr also claimed that residents were being fed a large quantity of high sugar, easily digestible foods such as pudding and gelatin, presumably to provide the residents a supercharged energy rush that was necessary to sustain a stealthy sneak bodily attack against uniformed riot police. He also mentioned that a few of the individuals at Comfort Pines had obtained the use of technologically advanced motorized scooters that were capable of reaching speeds up to 5 miles per hour.

"We are very concerned about the capabilities of what has been termed the Hoveround Brigade," Barr said.

However, that was not the most dire allegation made by the Attorney General.

"Our embedded sources have told us that some of the residents have taken to collecting their own feces and urine overnight in special receptacles in their bed," Barr claimed. "We believe they may be doing this for the purposes of creating some sort of crude biological weapon to be used against the public at large."

When asked for what measures he might be consider taking against Comfort Pines, Trump replied that he was "not ruling anything out," but that he was leaning heavily towards calling in the U.S. Army's 1st Armored Division, currently stationed at Fort Bliss.

"They call them 'Old Ironsides,'" said Trump. "Old Ironsides. So if these guys, these Antifa radicals, want 'old,' we'll give them 'old.'"

Details at Eleven.

Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Thu Jun 11, 2020, 12:08 PM (7 replies)

Can we talk for a moment about something? I'm referring to the bizarre spectacle that is Trump flags

The idea of a flag is an interesting concept.

First and foremost, they are best known as a symbol of a country. They also can relate to a state, a county, a city or some other governmental entity.

Flags aren't exclusive to countries and governments, however. If you go to a tailgate event at any given sporting event, you will frequently see flags flying containing the logo of the teams playing.

And flags need not represent positive ideals. The Nazis had flags, as do the KKK.

But even at their most repulsive, or their most benign, it seems like the common denominator behind flags is that they are meant to symbolize a group of people or idea that is larger than just the one individual flying the flag.

Except for one odd exception, and that of course is the Trump Flag.

There's no one uniform version of the Trump Flag, but most of them look something like this:



There's also one with some slightly more colorful--and blatantly ironic--language like this:



Trumpists love to display their Trump flags. Especially popular, for whatever reason, is during boat parades. But you'll see them in any number of settings, including behind these two illustrious members of society who felt it prudent to recreate the murder of George Floyd in front of peaceful protesters:



The existence of the Trump Flag is truly baffling, because it's a flag, but instead of representing a country, a group of people, a movement or an ideal, it's a flag dedicated to a person. A single person.

What sort of person deserves a flag with nothing more than his name on it? I mean, even in most despotic regimes, the flags flown didn't just read "Hitler" or "Stalin."

It speaks to a double phenomenon. First, a growing cult of personality in this country around the supposed President, which is something we have never, ever seen before. (I mean, I remember a lot of nonsense from the right in the 00s around the time of the Iraq War, nonsense about how criticizing the president was somehow "unpatriotic", but I never actually saw anyone flying Bush flags).

And second, it speaks to the narcissism and insatiable ego of the man who currently occupies the White House, a man so consumed with himself that he demands flags with his name be flown by his supporters. And that is certainly terrifying in its own right.

The closest thing we have to this are the MAGA hats, which have grown to become emblematic of a movement on their own. But even those tacky pieces of red headgear don't spell out Trump's own name on them. And had their popularity simply ended with the 2016 campaign itself, you might be tempted to say that they were nothing more than a campaign relic along the line of "I Like Ike" pins or the Obama "Hope" poster, historical pieces that tie into specific election memorabilia and little more. Of course, the MAGA hats have not subsided, and are the new brownshirt of our day.

But for the life of me, I do not remember anything so remotely crass, unprecedented and abnormal as the Trump Flag itself.

Thoughts?
Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Wed Jun 10, 2020, 10:40 AM (38 replies)

Welcome to your dystopia, America.

Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Wed Jun 3, 2020, 10:39 AM (0 replies)
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