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Tommy Carcetti

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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2007, 03:49 PM
Number of posts: 39,854

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BREAKING NEWS: Panda bears brought in to assist with Arizona vote audit.

During the on-going audit of 2020 election ballots in Arizona, being conducted by a private consulting company at the behest of the Republican controlled Arizona Senate, reports have surfaced that auditors are now bringing in live panda bears into the Phoenix Veterans Memorial Coliseum to assist with the process.

A spokesperson for Cyber Ninjas--the company conducting the audit, neither actual ninjas nor experienced in the area of ballot auditing--stated that the bears will be used as a discerning mechanism.

"If the panda bear attempts to eat the ballot, there's good cause to believe that the ballot may contain bamboo fibers and thus may have been smuggled into Arizona from China," the spokesperson said. "But if the bear ignores the ballot, it's most likely legit."

"However, we can't rule out that the bear may have simply eaten a lot of bamboo before he got here and is just full," he added. "So even if the panda bear ignores the ballot, it can't necessarily rule out voter fraud."

Initial complications to the process arose when audit personnel mistakenly brought in polar bears instead of panda bears, resulting in the inadvertent mauling and hospitalization of at least three Cyber Ninja personnel at the scene.


Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Wed May 5, 2021, 03:54 PM (18 replies)

The Twitter ban of the Former Office Occupant seems to be working

Stumbled across one of his ludicrous proclamations issued from the Mar a Lago bridal suite wherein he gushed praise upon Kim Jong Un.

In the old times, the Twitterverse would have been beside itself obsessing over such a shameless display of affection towards a brutal tyrant.

I checked the date.

He issued the statement a week ago. Very few people cared to comment on it.

It up and vanished like a fart in the wind.

Slowly he’s being suffocated for attention and that’s a very good thing for this country and this world.
Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Sun May 2, 2021, 08:39 AM (22 replies)

Back in January, I honestly believed I would not be eligible for vaccination until early Fall.

Maybe late Summer if I was really lucky.

And that was my thinking even taking into account the new administration coming in.

It's not even May and I've received both my shots. Signed up for an open water swim event next month that I wouldn't have dreamed of competing in if I wasn't vaccinated.

Do I give credit President Biden's leadership in helping to make this happen?

You damn well better believe I do.

Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Wed Apr 28, 2021, 10:37 AM (43 replies)

BREAKING NEWS: Sean Hannity demands President Biden produce his Stuttering Certificate

Fox News personality Sean Hannity, facing heavy criticism after making remarks on his primetime show insinuating that President Joe Biden was using his long-documented stuttering condition as a cover for mental decline, doubled down on his accusations today about the President and demanding further proof from him.

"Literally the first thing you receive after you born is a Stuttering Certificate," Hannity said on his show. "The doctors at birth will make a full assessment to find out whether you be a stutterer for the rest of your life, and that piece of paper will prove that you are indeed a stutterer and not somebody simply willing to shamelessly pretend to stumble over words to gain an unfair advantage over others in life. Well, Mr. President, today literally all of America demands answers. Where is your Stuttering Certificate?"

While the controversial host insisted that the President showed no signs whatsoever of a stutter in 2012 or 2016, a simple fact check shows that Biden gave numerous interviews ranging back years before that time period where he discussed in detail his struggles with stuttering as a child, how he managed to overcome those problems in good part but how occasionally he will still fall victim to it.

Hannity, however, remained undeterred.

"The scandal about this phony-baloney stutter from Joe Biden is literally the most pressing issue on the minds of literally every single American," Hannity claimed. "For anyone to so callously hide behind the veil of an impairment he knows he doesn't have and yet refuses to provide us with the single piece of paper that would show otherwise is literally a crime of treason against the United States."

When pressed for comment, White House officials were dismissive of Hannity's accusations and demands.

"There is no such thing as a 'Stuttering Certificate' and Sean Hannity is the biggest moron to ever walk the face of the earth," White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki remarked at her daily briefing before the White House press corps.

"Literally," Psaki added.


Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Thu Mar 11, 2021, 11:41 AM (30 replies)

Anyone got $500 burning a hole in their pocket? Or even better, $1,000?

If so, do I have the deal for you!

You can register now for the 2021 For God and Country Patriot Roundup* conference deep in the heart of Dallas, Texas!

Headlining speakers include General Michael Flynn, a man who once caused a US District Court judge to make a double take as to why he hadn't been charged with treason yet; Kraken extraordinaire Sidney Powell, the Washington Generals of the legal world who wants you to know that former Georgia Senator Kelly Loeffler was murdered in a fiery automobile crash much to Loeffler's own surprise; Comedian and star of Who's Line is It Anyways? Wayne Brady--**whispers in ear**--I'm sorry, not Wayne Brady but radio talk show host Wayne Dupree, who thinks that mass shootings were all false flag hoaxes (my deepest apologies to Mr. Brady--huge fan!); drinking/leaking enthusiast George "Dapapodoulous" Papadopoulos; human garbage person Juanita Broaddrick; Gene Ho, the photographer to Diamond and Silk (no, really!); internet commentator RedPill78; Brad Getz--the brainchild behind the sensational video "QAnon is 100% coming from the Trump Administration"; January 6th Capitol Insurrection veteran MC Popa** and who we can only assume is his...daughter(?) Bela Popa, who wants everyone to know she is 18 years old.

Oh yeah, also a bunch of other random sketchy guys with long beards.

$500 a popa (get it?) gets you in the door, while $1,000 will get you the VIP treatment, which is presumably an very uncomfortable moment sitting next to George Papadopoulos at the hotel bar and the exclusive opportunity to buy lunch for Wayne Dupree at the fast food establishment of his choice.***

And yes, in case you're wondering, all of this is 100% real:


*No affiliation with the weed killer. At least we don't think there is..

**MC Popa's availability is subject to whatever bail conditions might be imposed on him at the time of the event.

***All dollar menu items prohibited.
Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Mon Mar 8, 2021, 05:25 PM (8 replies)

This FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY in the US Senate!!! It's a Whataboutism EXTRAVAGANZA!!!


**Airhorn blast**
Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Fri Feb 12, 2021, 08:30 AM (5 replies)

The false equivalence between violence attributed to BLM protests and January 6th is infuriating.

Just as I have, I'm sure if you've spoken to anyone on the right about the events of January 6th and the former office occupant's culpability therefore, one of the first arguments you almost certainly received in response was a "whataboutism" deflection.

More specifically, they would inevitably insist on pointing out about the various acts of vandalism, property damage or even violence that was attributed to the Black Lives Matter protests over the spring and summer 2020. They will then insist that not only did Democrats and individuals on the left not sufficiently denounce these acts, but they actually encouraged them. And that--they claim--somehow disqualifies them from claiming Trump should be held to account for incitement of the insurrection at the Capitol on January 6th.

Naturally, such a disingenuous position only serves to create more questions than actually provide any good-faith discourse to the debate.

First--and speaking strictly from my personal perspective--I never condoned any acts of violence from anyone claiming to be associated with the BLM protests. I know most frequently these acts were associated with the "group" Antifa, which does not really exist on an actual structured and organizational level. I honestly don't know who the people were who did this or why they might have done it. Were they anarchists who simply enjoyed chaos for the sake of chaos? Were they right wing provocateurs who wanted to falsely paint the BLM protest movement as being violent or unruly? Were they people simply frustrated at what they saw as injustice and needed a pathway for their aggression? Or were they legitimately "true believers" who actually thought their acts were some sort of justifiable civil disobedience?

Honestly, I simply did not know. Nor did I care to know. Perhaps some others on this board might disagree, but I saw people who used the BLM movement as an excuse for property damage or violence to be selfish and self-sabotaging. That they were giving the right carte blanche the excuse to demonize BLM as something violent as opposed to what it really was--a peaceful (but not placid) protest movement rooted in justice for victims of injustice at the hand of the police, and a demand for reform and action (no matter how either artfully expressed or otherwise.) And with little room for error, allowing for any sort of unforced errors on our part just makes the ultimate goal all the more difficult.

But ultimately, all of this is a moo point. Ultimately, even at the very worst strawman-like depiction of the BLM movement from the Right, it still bears absolutely no comparison to the events of January 6th, on facts that are on their face undeniable.

BLM was an issue-based movement. It was never about one person, or one person's desire for power. It was never about any political party or candidate. No one was seeking to take control by means of the protests or the movement. Rather, it was a movement about seeking justice and reform. And while there were--for reasons I can't understand--some acts of chaos, vandalism and even violence that were ancillary to some of the otherwise peaceful protests, that was never central to the issue that drove the protests; if anything, it was in direct contradiction to such a message and supporters of the BLM movement could easily denounce those actions without compromising the mission.

On the other hand, the "Stop the Steal" events of January 6th were very much political. They were centered around a single person--namely, Donald Trump--and with a singular goal in mind: to see to it that Donald Trump remains the President no matter what the certified results of the election were. They literally were waiving flags with his name on them. There was no greater issue to them than one person. And even if they never breached the Capitol grounds, their mere presence in DC was still to make it known that they demanded Trump remain President.

At its very worst, BLM was a protest movement with some unfortunate offshoots of violence associated with it (for whatever reasons). It was, however, never an insurrection. It did not seek to topple the democratic order in the country.

January 6th, on the other hand, was nothing but an insurrection. It was an attempted coup and it acted to serve the interests of only one man.

In short: Where as BLM attempted to advance an issue in spite of associated violence, January 6th was defined by its violence; it was the central essence to what it really was.

Even under the most objective of considerations, there simply can be no comparison of the two.
Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Mon Feb 8, 2021, 04:48 PM (4 replies)

Do you know who actually does deserve a Nobel Peace Prize nomination and award?

Chef Jose Andres.

He epitomizes what the award is truly about.

On edit, in case you haven't heard of him:


In response to the 2010 Haiti earthquake, Andrés formed World Central Kitchen which provides healthy food to families and individuals touched by disasters.[19] Since it was founded, the NGO has organized meals in the Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, Zambia, Peru, Cuba, Uganda, and in Cambodia.[2] It has provided aid and meals in the United States and Puerto Rico and has helped during the COVID-19 pandemic in the United States.
Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Mon Feb 1, 2021, 01:44 PM (50 replies)

It might sound silly, but the one thing that broke me the most yesterday:

When I heard news that the plane that had been designated Air Force One and had flown Trump to Florida was en route and returning back to DC.

For some reason, it reaffirmed what the Presidency--and this country--stood for.

The thing was, Donald Trump always thought he was bigger than the Presidency itself. To him, it served one purpose only: to give him a claim to ultimate and never-ending power, glory and attention. However, the nitty gritties of the job that his predecessors and now successor have had to grapple with--the checks and the balances, the constitutional constraints, the unflattering burdens of the office--that was always beneath him.

He could have as well called himself Emperor, and no doubt would have if he could. And have at his disposal all those powerful glories at his hand for an indefinite amount of time, without regard to the popular will of the people or whatever concerned them.

Powerful glories that included a 747 jumbo jet at his beck and call, with the name of our country emblazoned on its side, and its fuel and maintenance paid for at our taxpayer expense.

I had actually seen Air Force One once before a year or two back, parked on the tarmac at the West Palm Beach airport. My kids were in the car with me, and under normal circumstances I would have happily pointed it out them as an exciting moment. But the thought of the man who used it and called himself the President disgusted me so much that I simply drove on by without comment.

He would have loved to have had that plane for life. And the bloody events at the Capitol two weeks prior were intended to make that come to pass.

But thank God, it failed.

And thank God, we live in a nation of law, with a President and not an Emperor.

So when I heard news that the plane that had carried Trump to his residence was returning back to the Nation's Capital, it really hit me deep.

Because no matter what Donald Trump thinks, no man or woman will ever be greater than the Presidency. The Presidency--and its office, and both its perks and solemn responsibilities--will always be greater than one person. And so that plane was leaving Donald Trump behind, alone and without further power, and returning to serve President Biden during his time in office.

On the morning of November 9, 2016, I truly and honestly thought we were going to lose our democracy and our country. I truly expected the man ascending to the office to seize the reigns of power for himself and end our republic as we knew it.

And in the four years that followed, we very nearly did lose it.

But somehow, by luck or Divine Providence, we did not. And knowing Donald Trump had been left behind as our country carried forward absolutely hit me on a heavy emotional level.

(The irony is that I live a mere half hour away from where he now sits and stews in oblivion, behind the gilded walls of Mar a Lago. And yet all the same, I haven't felt further away from him as I do now that he no longer has his grasp around our collective necks.)

The idea that we as a country have suffered a mass traumatic experience from the past four years might sound laughable. But it's absolutely true. And like individual victims of traumatic experiences, only now that the danger has passed are we going to start to emotionally absorb what we had just gone through, and process all the horrors.

And let us not mince words; they were truly horrors indeed.

And the idea that we survived, that the danger--at least the immediate danger--has passed, is both a relief but also an emotional bombshell that leaves us shaking. Think of Tom Hanks' portrayal of the title character in Captain Phillips; in the end, after his rescue he collapses into a quivering wreck even as a nurse assures him, "You're safe now."

But we survived.

And our plane, leaving the most disgraced person to ever hold the Office in its wake, has come back home to us.

Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Thu Jan 21, 2021, 01:08 PM (35 replies)

"There is a crack in everything; that's how the light gets in."--Leonard Cohen, "Anthem"


That was the one lyric that stuck in my mind and gave me the slightest bit of hope the dark morning of November 9, 2016 when the worst case scenario came to be.

(Ironically I—along with nearly everyone else—was unaware that Cohen had passed away just two days before.)

And that lyric again came to my mind when I saw this picture of the Washington DC sky.

I won’t deny it brought a tear to my eye just thinking about it.
Posted by Tommy_Carcetti | Tue Jan 19, 2021, 09:26 AM (3 replies)
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