TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalThe Capitol Riot Was Actually Mostly Hugs, Tucker Carlson Told Me So (Ferret)
Y’know, I don’t mind struggling over the soul of the nation, but I confess I’m beginning to resent the quality of the opposition. It feels like I’ve been trapped in a checkout line, between a shrieking toddler and a lady with an inch-thick stack of expired coupons, for like, a thousand years.
(Makes more sense with the links, I promise: https://showercapblog.com/the-capitol-riot-was-actually-mostly-hugs-tucker-carlson-told-me-so/)
Well, thanks to Tucker Carlson’s intrepid investigative journalism, America finally understands the truth the lying lamestream media has attempted to hide for years: the so-called “Capitol Riot” was, in actuality, simply a matter of a single, eccentrically dressed young man trying to deliver a basket of homemade muffins to Nancy Pelosi. And if some random apostate Vice President happened to get lynched in the process, well, such things have been known to happen, in the hazardous world of muffin conveyance.
Forgive my rudeness, Fox Nation, but I gotta ask: how in the name of Four Seasons Total Landscaping are you dopes still falling for this? Do these television personalities you trust so blindly have to shit directly down your throat for you to recognize how deeply they disdain you?
Tucker not only lies to you, he hates your precious Trump, hates him passionately, which is altogether reasonable of him if you ask me, though I certainly respect your right, as a rube and a cultist, to feel differently.
The next wave of releases from the Dominion lawsuit’ll be a group text chain where Fox hosts work through a list of Trump donors, painstakingly insulting each one by name. “Doug Blanton from Dodge City, Kansas smells like a warthog fart,” snickers Laura Ingraham. “That’s nothing,” responds Hannity, “Edith McGillicutty of Dubuque wears piss-stained sweatpants to Walmart!” Lachlan Murdoch chimes in from time to time with all the standard approval-expressing emojis, your thumbs ups and your crying laughing faces.
It’s all going precisely according to House Speaker Elmer Fudd’s master plan. McCarthy’s tenure to date has been pure Fudd: just a mean, stupid dude stepping on rake after rake after rake. How Kevin ever arrived at the conclusion that his party would benefit politically from reminding the electorate of that time a mob of disgruntled Republicans injured 140 police officers is a matter best left to leadership scholars, surely.
But to proceed, in exclusive(!) partnership with the lying, racist weirdo at the center of the biggest media scandal in living memory? I think the American public deserves to know exactly how many quarters McCarthy has shoved up his nose since becoming Speaker. Release the cranial x-ray, Kevin.
We’re talking about a network that used an email written by a “cactus artist” who believes she was “internally decapitated” and is thus possibly a “ghost” to justify telling their viewers the 2020 election was stolen. Let me again stress that the ramblings of an allegedly apparitional cactus artist are at the very root of the big, dumb lie that’s driven so many idiots violently insane.
In their defense, Fox felt they had no choice but to present the random musings of this Caravaggio of Cactoideae as evidence of unprecedented, nationwide corruption, because they were worried about losing market share to rival propagandists. Yeah, I’m starting to think maybe American democracy should see a doctor about that lingering cough.
See, Kevin and Tucker think they can force the rest of us to live in their bubble, and…fuck you. No. It sucks in your bubble. It smells like crusty MyPillows and failure in there.
I’ll will admit I’m enjoying this one new show they’ve got. Every week or so, Jim Jordan has some new fake thing he believes, just wild, dippy nonsense, and he holds a “hearing” where Democrats mercilessly expose him as a fool and a fraud. For hours. It’s called the Select Subcommittee on the Weaponization of the Federal Government, I think. It’s a lot funnier than it sounds.
And now Marjorie Taylor Greene and James Comer are putting together a lil’ wingnut field trip to visit some Capitol rioters in jail, paint ‘em as “political prisoners” or some shit. That’s gonna go so well for you guys. I only ask that you take extra care to draw attention to your party affiliation, as you side publicly with the loser terrorists whose violent crimes are documented from multiple angles.
I see Trump “attorney” Jenna Ellis also got swept up in the “confessing to lying about election fraud” craze that’s taking MAGA nation by storm. Or maybe that was a deep state lizard person posing as Jenna Ellis. Whatever you need to believe to get through your day.
Last week, I said I didn’t have the strength for CPAC, and now that it’s done…can you blame me? CPAC is always gross, but now that it’s turned into the saddest possible version of itself, amidst the electoral setbacks and groping allegations and what have you, it’s just hard to look it. Almost robs you of any schadenfreude.
Like, Kari Lake referred to Steve Bannon as a “stud muffin” and I don’t think it’s fair that I know that. And now you’re mad at me for telling you, but fuck you, the world must share my pain. You couldn’t stop yourself, could you, it’s like “don’t think about elephants,” you scream at your brain not to conjure the image, that tangle of ginsweat-soaked shirt layers writhing obscenely in soft lighting…y’know what? Let’s talk about something else.
Like Michael Knowles, and his call to eradicate “transgenderism.” The way right wing culture has coalesced around brazen, unapologetic anti-trans hate over the last year or so is one of the scariest, ugliest things I’ve ever seen. I honestly have no idea how to write about it here.
Of course the main event was the Dotard himself, with the REO-Speedwagon-on-the-state-fair-circuit version of the American carnage speech, and if there’s any substantial difference between a game show host who thinks exercise is bad for you claiming Joe Biden hid his border wall, and a supposedly spectral cactus decorator saying the wind told her the 2020 election was stolen, I can’t identify it.
He’s still hacking up the same feeble lies about crowd size, by the way, which only happens in the coolest cults. “I am your retribution,” he pledged to the handful of assembled dead-enders. Fuck you, you don’t deserve retribution. Nobody wronged you, you’re just losers.
Excellent timing on that pledge to stay in the presidential race if you’re indicted, though. Teed that one up rather elegantly, I’d say.
I don’t wanna write about CPAC anymore. I wanna write about the Lieutenant Governor of the great state of Tennessee. His name is Randy McNally, which is fucking amazing, and he is having himself a week, y’all. One of the damndest things I've ever seen. Zounds.
Larry Hogan broke a lotta hearts this week, announcing he will not seek the Republican Party’s presidential nomination, which should allow Chris Sununu sufficient time to develop elaborate, individualized courtship rituals for all sixty-two voters in the GOP’s “normal lane.”
The real action remains in the Is It Time to Put the Armbands On Yet lane, so let’s check in on Ron DeSantis’ ongoing audition for the Cult45 high priesthood.
Yikes. Yiiiiiiiiiiiikes.
Florida Republicans are pulling enough fashy shit for an entire Family Feud category. “Show me six-week abortion ban!” and you get the little ding and the bar turns over, between ones that say “attempting to outlaw gender studies” and “assault on First Amendment rights so extreme even Newt Gingrich says you’re nuts.” Boy, that joke was surprisingly difficult to pull off in prose form.
Yeah, it’s a real specific record Ron’s carving out for himself, and I don’t think it’s going to play as well as he imagines. Gazing upon his “my book ban is widely misunderstood as a book ban” tour, one doesn’t exactly see the seeds of a movement.
Donnie One-Term’s VP shortlist allegedly contains Kari Lake; sounds like they’ve got binders full of psychopaths down at Mar-a-Lago. The “stud muffin” thing alone should be disqualifying…that attack ad practically throws up on itself.
There’s also buzz around Sarah Slanders, who just signed a bill rolling back child labor protections. Yeah, that’s something else Republicans do now. Soon as we get rid of these child labor laws, America’ll be all kindsa great again, you’ll see. 31 flavors of great again. Make America a Dickens Novel.
Meanwhile, West Virginia Republicans blocked a child marriage ban, because there’s actually some fairly wacky fine print in those family values they’re always going on about.
Hey, if you love chocolate, but hate trans people, Ben Shapiro has a candy bar to sell you. You can behave that way, if you want. You can indulge your bigotry by overpaying for junk food. Be sure to post about it on social media, everyone will be really impressed that you hate trans people with such fiscally irresponsible zeal.
Another super cool dude is Elon Musk, who might not need bodyguards to follow him into the bathroom if he didn’t spend his time mocking disabled employees while his $44 billion toy breaks. You know that gag where you can caption any New Yorker cartoon with “Christ, what an asshole?” Elon Musk stories are like that.
Putin’s butchers have apparently been reduced to fighting with shovels, because I guess that’s what’s left once you run out of convicts. Pretty standard superpower shit.
Good news everyone, according to the Hill, “James Taylor casts doubt on Trump's 2024 chances,” and I’m open to considering the possibility that I might consume a little too much political news content. Still, somebody has to step into the void left by the Iowa Straw Poll…why not JT?
Anyway, dear readers, know that I am your retribution, provided you’re angry at the beer in my fridge, which will shortly pass through my bladder, en route to an even darker fate. Stay safe out there, and sane, if you’re able.
Yeah, Kellyanne, Liars are the Worst. (Ferret)
So, my birthday was this week, and I asked the Birthday Fairy for one week without assholes, so I could blog about something pleasant, like cupcakes, or cowboy movies, but the Birthday Fairy told me he wasn't a fucking magician, so I guess we’ll do what we we usually do instead.
(Links and stimulating colors await ye on my blog site: https://showercapblog.com/yeah-kellyanne-liars-are-the-worst/)
Kellyanne Conway is sick of all the dishonesty, you guys. She’s had it up to here (indicating the scar she received at the Bowling Green massacre) with the malignant mendacity of “the people whose job it is to tell you the truth, in the media,” as she put it to Sean Hannity, who agreed that lying is a very bad thing indeed. They were really quite indignant about it.
To be clear, I am, in fact, talking about the Sean Hannity from the Dominion lawsuit filings. In case you thought I meant some other, non-propagandist Sean Hannity, one with decency and shame, who maybe runs a little stationery shop on the outskirts of Paducah. Nope. The one on Fox News.
Oh Fox. You blight. You tumor. If you weren’t ripping my country apart, I’d almost admire the way you’ve built an audience that shrugs off mountains of evidence that you lie to them about the most important things in the world. The tensile strength of the bubble is impressive, is all I’m saying.
In California, one wingnut-dominated county board just cancelled their contract with Dominion, at massive expense to taxpayers. Yes, after days of global headlines about Fox’s lies. See, in Republican politics, the public must submit to the delusions of the most easily deceived among them.
…which doesn’t seem fair.
Tucker Carlson understands that Fox’s audience doesn’t want news, they want a news-shaped excuse to hate the people they already hate. Which Fox provides, better than anyone anywhere. Fox is the Disney of hate. They’ll have a theme park some day.
I always enjoy watching Paul Ryan’s sham intellect fail him. His floundering failure to defend his complicity in Fox’s fuckery was…perfect. In the party of Lauren Boebert, Paul’s a “thought leader;” in the real world, you’d think twice about entrusting him with the shift manager’s keyring.
Bless their unteachable hearts, House Republicans stomped back to their little hearing rooms this week, more determined than ever to broadcast their many derangements to the electorate. “HEY AMERICA!” they bellow, for reasons I have struggled to grasp, “LOOKIT ALL THE STUPID FAKE SHIT WE BELIEVE!”
Um…okay. If you insist.
“NO SERIOUSLY THERE IS NO HOAX TOO BUFFOONISH FOR US TO UNCRITICALLY PLATFORM!”
That’s nice. Look, I’m meeting somebody for lunch, so-
“FRAZZLEDRIP JADE HELM DEEP STATE BENGHAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!”
…okay. Well, it was nice catching up!
“(FURIOUSLY GUZZLES IVERMECTIN SMOOTHIE)”
Carnies in Tim Burton movies are less weird than the parade of whackjobs Jim Jordan trotted out as “whistleblowers,” or the freaks n’ geeks on the coronavirus subcommittee. It was thoughtful of Matt Gaetz to spice up the proceedings with some Chinese propaganda for a change, though. Variety’s nice.
Meanwhile, House Oversight Chairman James Comer is gonna exhume Beau Biden and lock up his corpse, just as soon as he’s done helping Chris Ruddy extort DirecTV, because Mama Comer raised a normal, healthy, American boy.
Awful, crazy people screaming awful, crazy shit at the top of their lungs. And they never stop.
…but Marjorie Taylor Greene thinks she’s the one who needs a safe space. Me, I would enjoy inhabiting a space safe from the loser terrorist who targeted Jewish officials in Michigan and the “King of the KKK” who just got charged with hate crimes and the Nazi memorabilia-collecting pipe bomber.
Also from anybody who would buy a children’s book from the Libs of TikTok lady, or listen to a musical collaboration between Donald Trump and an insurrectionist fuckwit prison choir. Not because you’re dangerous, because you’re too embarrassing to be around. On a certain very important level, you guys’re just weirdos.
Like, did you the see the cabal of theocrat perverts DeSantis installed on this Disney oversight board? Oh, and Ron has designs on the content, too. Toy Story 5 is gonna be Woody committing a hate crime against the Potato Heads, and then a dog-gnawed vintage Grand Moff Tarkin action figure, voiced by Ben Shapiro, defending him in court.
Jeb(!) Bush, who apparently still exists, endorsed DeSantis this week, and I think that’s just adorable. Endorse to your heart’s content, lil’ guy.
Big congrats go out to Some Florida Republican, who probably has a name but who gives a shit, for his mega-rad bill “cancelling” Democrats over slavery. Everyone was really, really impressed, especially supermodels and your dad. I only hope there was enough room in your garage for all the libs you owned.
Apropos of nothing in particular, I’m fairly certain Hell is being trapped in an elevator with Elon Musk and the Dilbert guy while they whine about getting cancelled. The reason you dorks are going to lose this culture war is that you are fucking unendurable. Just a heads-up.
Anyway. I’m finding my silver lining this week in the sea of empty chairs at CPAC.
I don’t have the strength for CPAC right now, though I would like to offer my thoughts and prayers to what I’m sure will be an lengthy procession of frustrated congeniality consultants tasked with drawing humanity out of Mike Pompeo.
Yeah, short one tonight, and I know I missed a bunch of stuff. Bear with me, I’m still hacking my way through that slump from a couple weeks back. I’ll figure it out. You stay safe out there, m’loves.
Who Would Get Custody of the Space Lasers? (Ferret)
So, Marjorie Taylor Greene wants a divorce. Wouldn’t it be lovely if it were that simple? To just herd all the weirdos into Florida, and let Bugs saw ‘em right off the continent? Sit on the beach, watch ‘em float away into the Atlantic, that endless, inescapable whining growing fainter and fainter…oh man, life would be one big Corona commercial.
(Makes more sense with links, promise: https://showercapblog.com/who-would-get-custody-of-the-space-lasers/)
I want to go to there. But I’m stuck here. With Marjorie Taylor Greene, which I don’t think is fair. Stuck in the United States of America during this golden age of mass killings linked to extremism, because the American Right refuses to entertain alternatives to the “radicalize idiots all day” turnout strategy that’s failed them in three consecutive elections.
You shriek and you moan, around the goddamn clock, about hydroxychloroquine and Jewish space lasers and furry kid litter boxes and Hillary Clinton eating baby faces and then when voters decide they don’t want to be governed by psychopaths, which is reasonable of them, you invent bigger lies, and drive yourselves crazier and crazier, until some of you snap and do terrorism, and maybe, just maybe, it’s time to try something else.
But no, modern Republican culture is about pushing on a door with a pull sign and calling it “fighting,” and learning from your mistakes is for sissies, so the plan is to crank the volume and menace the neighbors with firearms when they complain.
Shit, let MAGA nation secede, says me, on the condition that they take all their fucking guns with them, and immediately build a giant fucking wall around themselves. We’d agree to airdrop Twinkies and ammunition every six weeks until they wipe themselves out, which should take about two weeks.
Michigan Republicans, in their wisdom, elected deeply insane failed Secretary of State candidate Kristina Karamo as state chair, indicative of the party’s broader losers-who-won’t-go-away problem, which they have so richly earned. Look, winners don’t ingest livestock medication, and I can’t be any clearer than that.
Because he’s way transparenter than that Pelosi broad, Kevin McCarthy released thousands of hours of secret security footage from the Capitol Riot to the media. Well, not the whole media, of course. This footage belongs to the public, not the lügenpresse! Kevin had conditions.
You had to be a serial conspiracy theorist, on everything from Covid to the Big Lie. You definitely had to’ve platformed the white nationalist “great replacement theory,” obviously. Kevin strongly preferred, but did not insist upon candidates who pimp Viktor Orbán and giggle like some sidekick-level cartoon halibut in a direct-to-video Disney sequel, but you couldn’t, under any circumstances, be an actual journalist of any kind.
Now, having thoroughly enjoyed Gym Jordan’s faceplant-heavy debut as Mr. Serious Investigator Man, I am sympathetic to the Speaker’s impulse to outsource propaganda operations to a more experienced hand, but common sense and common decency compel me to ask, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Hey Kevin, can somebody who’s not the mouth of American fascism get a peek at them vids? No? Just Tucker? Well, that’s certainly a choice.
It took extra shamelessness to pull that shit in the wake of the Dominion lawsuit revelations, but luckily, that’s the one area where McCarthy’s reserves are limitless. Exclusive access for the guy who knowingly fed his audience lies? Who tried to get a colleague fired for telling the truth?
Who, incidentally, gushed, “If you haven’t seen the tape of (Trump) ordering in McDonald's, treat yourself?” Unrepentant hate-mongering aside, doesn’t America deserve to hear from someone slightly less pathetic?
“Treat yourself.” If my life were that embarrassing, I suppose I’d craft an elaborate alternate reality to hide in, too.
Joe Biden went to Europe, and though he did stop (just) short of rubbing his balls on Vlad’s goofy, overlong table, messages were sent. Whatsamatter, can’t even take out one little ol’ President? On your front porch? Hmm. That restoration of imperial glory may be a ways off yet.
It’s Putin’s bloody blunderversary, actually, though he seems oddly displeased with the presents he’s receiving. “For me? You shouldn’t have, all I brought was some convicts.” Aside from the crashed jets and the odd failed missile test, it’s all going really great, though, while on the home front, audiences thrill to the new hit game show: Surprise, You’re Press-Ganged!
If there’s one bright spot for the butcher of Mariupol, it’s his growing support within the Republican Party. Me, I would hesitate to side with hospital-bombing child traffickers, but I’m not Marjorie Taylor Greene, who once again made the Orwell for Dummies Hall of Fame, with her dippy “this war against Russia in Ukraine” framing. Ron DeSantis fared little better, because, well, he’s just not smart enough to talk about these things.
I had been blissfully unaware of Vivek Ramaswamy’s existence until this week, when he announced his presidential candidacy on Tucker Carlson, and oh my goodness, a tedious nerd grousing about wokeness is exactly what this clown car field needed. Plant this dork on the far end of the debate stage, in the Marianne Williamson spot, right next to Larry Hogan.
This primary is going to be a shitshow, folks. I saw a headline that went, “Chris Sununu Eyes the G.O.P.’s ‘Normal’ Lane in 2024. Does It Exist?” and I laughed so hard I got glared at. Yeah, Chris, maybe while Ron n’ Don’re bickering over who hates trans kids more, you can eke out enough delegates to force a floor fight. I bet that’s what happens.
“And so, Mr. Sununu — a “Seinfeld”-quoting, Covid booster-boosting son of a governor who supported Mr. Trump’s first two campaigns — is offering himself up as a walking referendum on the direction of his party.”
Oh, my sweet summer child. Your party’s voters died rather than take that vaccine. By the thousands. I guess I’m concerned we’re attributing some powers to Seinfeld here that maybe Seinfeld doesn’t actually possess. “No soup for you!” “Wow, I believe in science now!”
The middle square in Republican primary bingo is Candidate Refuses to Differentiate Self From Trump in Any Way, because Kemp/Warnock voters are a myth the deep state invented to frighten real American children.
Mike Pompeo pulled himself up by the bootstraps and had his PAC drop 42 grand on copies of his memoir, Khashoggi Had it Comin’, so now he gets to call himself a big, successful, best-selling author, and I guess if that’s what it takes to get the BlueChew to kick in, I won’t judge. That’s probably my favorite Republican puffery ritual. If I absolutely had to choose. Man, the sad, shabby sleight of hand it takes to make these mediocrities seem accomplished, and worthy of power.
As for the frontrunner, well, he proposed a nationwide federal takeover of discipline in public schools, which is…wow. You gotta pass a lotta cognitive tests to come up with something like that.
Shout out to Mark Brnovich, who abused his post as Arizona Attorney General to suppress a report debunking the Bamboo Fiber Detection Society’s voter fraud claims. Thanks so much for pouring that gasoline on the fire, Mark; I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, but it turns out you suck so much you can’t even beat Peter Thiel’s pet lizard in a primary.
Republican Congresscreep Barry Moore proposed a bill designating the AR-15 as the "national gun of America," honoring the weapon of choice of so many of our world-renowned school shooters. We should have an official national cancer, too. I propose lung, any dissenters?
While we are on the always fruitful topic of Republican ghoulishness, Alaska state Rep. David Eastman felt compelled, for whatever reason, to celebrate the fiscal benefits resulting from the deaths of abused children. If you were thinking that David sounds like the kind of young man who would pose for a photograph next to a wall-sized Hitler quote, congratulations on your instincts.
Confession time: all of the above is 100% fake news, I work for the deep state, and my whole job is to distract you from the important stuff, about Lego going woke, and the antifa plot to make Nazi homeschoolers look bad. You just got Jade Helmed, sheeple!
No, you gotta go to Don Jr’s podcast for the real shit. That’s where Kyle Rittenhouse blew the lid off the Soros-funded conspiracy against Kyle Rittenhouse that Kyle Rittenhouse made up. My heartiest congratulations to everyone who invested a chunk of their precious, finite time on Earth in a podcast interview between Don Jr and Kyle Rittenhouse, by the way; you’re obviously someone who should be pandered to during a presidential primary.
The O’Keefe/Project Veritas breakup feels like content custom manufactured for an audience of me, personally. What can I say, watching one of the shittiest people alive lose badly stimulates the pleasure centers in my brain. I would wait in line for hours to go on this ride at Disney World. More, please.
Of course, the week’s best news was probably Jon Tester announcing he’s running for reelection. There’s no sweeter sight than a Democratic Senator representing a state that’s red and getting redder, especially when you’re talking about a public servant as exceptional as Tester. Bookmark that ActBlue page, folks, he’s gonna need our help.
And in the shorter term, so does Janet Protasiewicz, who advanced to the general in the Wisconsin Supreme Court election, on April 4th. Super encouraging turnout numbers, but there’s a whooooooooole lot on the line here, so let’s not leave anything to chance.
Incidentally, you folks are all incredibly sweet and kind, and your messages of support last week meant more than you could know. I have the best readership a drunken loudmouth in a bathrobe and luchador mask could hope for, and I appreciate the heck out of ya. Stay safe out there, my friends.
Joe Biden Howling Asshats, and Other Observations (Ferret!)
Intellectually, we knew going in that we were dealing with people of low character and no discernible competence, but watching the MAGA GOP actually run the U.S. House of Representatives blows my fucking mind. My expectations were real low, you guys, but they have been annihilated. In a month.
(As ever, we got shiny colors n’ news links here: https://showercapblog.com/joe-biden-howling-asshats-and-other-observations/)
Exactly how did you arrive at the belief that these hearings would work out well for you? “We’ll put Jim Jordan in charge of a great, big, televised, investigative committee, it’ll be all slick n’ sexy, like that show the January 6th committee put on!”
No it won’t. Jim Jordan’s not smart enough to do that. Why on earth would you imagine he was? Your media bubble is a plastic bag wrapped around your head if it is telling you that Jim Jordan is leadership material. Jim Jordan is a small, small man, representing a gerrymandered district, with a very slight talent for articulating the petty grievances of the subpar. He is a loud, angry buffoon, and nothing more. We all have a few Jim Jordans in our lives, and we go out of our way to avoid them.
“Once voters see Lauren Boebert shit herself while shrieking about getting ‘shadow-banned’ on Twitter, they’re ours forever!” What? Why would you think that? See, the problem with choosing to become the party of angry losers is the talent pool you’re left with.
I know it’s cozy in your Fox News safe space, where Greg Gutfeld is funny and it makes perfect moral sense to let the Jewish space laser lady decide who’s anti-Semitic, but perhaps it would be fruitful to consider the many angles from which sustained exposure to the screeching of furious weirdos might seem unappealing.
Quick reminder that the guiding premise of this entire dipshit inquisition is that temporary restrictions on a single social media platform, of a single newspaper article about Hunter Biden’s laptop, lasting all of one, single, solitary day, cost Donald Trump re-election. Which is, of course, insane. But it’s gospel to these dolts.
“We called in some witnesses to debunk all the fake things we believe!” Oh. What a strange thing to do. “Yeah, and we invited this freshman Democrat, Dan Goldman, just to make sure there was somebody to dog-walk our fool asses up and down the room at regular intervals.” Well, if you think that’s wise.
Anyway, if I’m understanding things correctly, the self-evident truth that Donald Trump is a pussy ass bitch is now officially enshrined in the Constitution, or someplace almost as good, anyway. Heckuva job, Jimbo. Congrats, you’re a poor man’s Trey Gowdy, which is about six rungs above incel.
The State of the Union put me in mind of my all-time favorite evening spent watching politics: the 2012 vice presidential debate. There’s something about watching Joe Biden play with his food that works for me.
It was like a nature show, only better; you were absolved of any feelings of sympathy for the wildebeests, because you knew from previous episodes that the wildebeests were assholes. The look on Joe’s face, when he saw how easy it had been to bait these dopes into a Social Security fight, I’ve never seen that look in real life, only on the faces of 8-year-old boys in black and white movies, when they race downstairs on Xmas morning to discover a bicycle-shaped package next the tree.
Jowls trembling with theatrical fury, they bellowed, “How dare you, sir? How darrrrrrrrre you accuse the Republican Party of seeking cuts to entitlements?” and Joe’s grin grew wider, visions of news cycles to come dancing in his eyes like sugarplum fairies.
Because while yes, most of you understand the actual policy goals of your party’s donor class are too politically suicidal to speak aloud, some of you can’t help yourselves, and many of you are just idiots, so there’s no shortage of documentation here. And if you don’t believe me, turn on the news, because it’s what we’re talking about now, thanks to your little shitfit.
I think they really believe that if they don’t show it on Fox, nobody can see it. Like, Mike Lee knows about that footage of him talking about phasing out social security, this isn’t the first time it’s made the rounds. He just got swept up in the hootin’ and hollerin’ (which has, um, happened before) and forgot about it, and how perfectly it would pair with his How Dare You face.
“Oh, that was taken out of context!” Okay, Mike. I bet that works. On people who take horse dewormer.
Rick Scott, bless his Medicare-defrauding heart, insisted on defending the honor of his stupid, stupid idea to sunset every single federal law every five years, which went about as well as you’d think, given Rick’s limited intellect and general ghoulishness. I wonder what Joe Biden’s gonna do with his other two wishes.
I’d like to take a quick moment to express my profound gratitude as a Democrat to the Republicans mentioned above, for their generous contributions to our cause. Please understand how deeply we appreciate your commitment to reminding the public what colossal shitheads you all are. Incidentally, if anything happens to Rick Scott, Mitch McConnell clearly did it.
I suppose we can’t move on from the State of the Union without discussing all the cretinous yowling. Y’know, it says one thing about Kevin McCarthy’s leadership that he felt compelled to shush his feral caucus in front of the cameras, and another that they completely fucking ignored him.
Yeah, much commentary this week on the evolving decorum standards of the party of the Capitol Riot. SOTU is like the Met Gala for people who like to yell crazy shit on television. Marj made sure to dress like white trash that married into conflict diamond money, to head off any of the other kooks looking to grab themselves a little corner of the spotlight.
And then our old pal Sarah Slanders dropped by to call us crazy, a particularly compelling message from a woman who’s famous mostly for lying. Yeah, we’re nuts. Anyway, MTG just took a dump in front of Adam Schiff’s office. Probably. It’s certainly only a matter of time.
You know, if Mitt Romney did nothing but offhandedly blast George Santos to atoms, I bet I could get to like him. Perhaps the occasional impeachment vote here and there, as necessary. I’m willing to keep an open mind.
The George Santos magnetic poetry set will be perfect. “Wrote fraudulent checks to Amish dog breeders.” That has a lovely cadence, really, and so perfectly captures the essence of this brazen little turd, who lied and stole and lied and stole until the Republican Party finally made him a Congressman.
Now, Donald Trump is a pathological liar, and only a fool would take anything he says at face value, but I’m pretty sure this thing about DeSantis being a pedophile is legit. I mean, why would a Republican lie about someone being a pedophile?
We learned Republican fundraising platform WinRed lost millions of dollars, and I confess I’m staggered, contemplating the raw nitwittery necessary to fuck up a business model where people hand you money expecting literally nothing in return. How in God’s name do you break your brain hard enough to lose money taking donations? It’s something bowls can do.
Between the special counsel subpoena and the FBI search, I bet Mike Pence is sweating bullets that somebody’s gonna find that secret room in the basement where he crucifies sex dolls dressed up like Charlton Heston to dry hump and cry on.
Let’s be honest and admit that not only did James O’Keefe always seem like exactly the sort of fellow who would take a sandwich from a pregnant lady, it’s the only reason he ever got anywhere in wingnut media. Like, I’m all for an acrimonious split between O’Keefe and Project Veritas, but did you honestly expect a healthy working environment, in your viciously deceptive propaganda shop? Did you expect Secret Santa and team-building excursions to escape rooms?
The FBI thwarted a plot by a couple of neo-Nazi losers (but I repeat myself) to attack Maryland’s power grid, which’ll give ‘em something to talk about in that neo-Nazi homeschooling network in Ohio, I suppose. For some reason, this paragraph feels like the appropriate spot to mention Paul Gosar’s contributions on Oversight, which I suspect has something to do with the rule of three.
I’d like to welcome a new sponsor, by the way. Shower Cap’s Blog is brought to you by Satan, and, by extension, Pfizer. Or maybe it’s the other way around? I think the Grammys’re in there somewhere, too. Grammys or groomers, I didn’t really catch it.
All life on Earth ended this week, when a woke chatbot refused to utter the slur that would’ve saved the world. Are you happy now, wokesters, that your wokeness ended human civilization? O, if only Joe Biden and the deep state hadn’t turned the nuclear arsenal over to such a woke chatbot. Alas, it is too late. I find I mostly miss Shakespeare, chocolate, and, y’know…life existing.
At least the genderless toy potatoes are gone. And the furry kid litter boxes. Plus, we’re finally seeing some ethics in gaming journalism, and let me say, it’s about damn time.
Anyway, here we are once again at the best part of the blog, when we all get to stop and go think about something else. Time once more to reward my battered brain with beer. You stay safe out there, m’loves.
All Things Being Equal, I'd Rather Be the Jobs Guy (Ferret)
Writing about Republican politics is like babysitting the shittiest kids in the world, and honestly, I feel like these little assholes owe us a good, long nap. Never a moment’s fucking peace. Little shits.
(You know the drill, links and the shiniest of colors are to be had here: https://showercapblog.com/all-things-being-equal-id-rather-be-the-jobs-guy/)
Ok, you kicked Ilhan Omar off the Foreign Affairs Committee, yippee for you. Took you fifteen tries just to turn the lights on, but when it’s time for petty payback, you’re one-take wonders. I was told there would principled moderates preventing this kind of thing. Tell me some more about Don Bacon, and all the shenanigans he won’t stand for, by gum.
This playground power grab was hailed as, I kid you not, a successful test of Kevin’s whipping operation. Zounds. You ever get the feeling these dolts’re held to a different standard than, say, oh, I dunno, Hillary Clinton, for example?
Anyway, I’m sure you fooled lots and lots of people with your pious justifications for excommunicating the brown lady; I mean, you were fighting anti-Semitism so hard, surely no one noticed you elevating that one deranged bigot to a position of national prominence. No, not the dentist, the other one, the one with the history of anti-Semitism substantial enough to warrant a callout from the US Holocaust Museum.
Yes, Marjorie Taylor Greene is cleaning up her image to gain power, if the headlines are to be trusted. Cleaning up her image. I feel like once you’ve publicly suggested that wildfires are caused by Jewish-owned lasers stationed in outer space, the ol’ reputation is more or less locked in.
Kevin, probably because he likes answering questions about Ashli Babbitt, gave Marj all the power she could ask for anyway, which is how she found herself on an honest-to-goodness congressional committee, bellowing about the $5.1 billion-per-school wokeness grants she made up. Another stellar bit of leadering by the 55th Speaker of the House, arguably the leaderest leader this nation has ever seen. Pelosi was a cuck.
My god, this doofus is flummoxed by Joe Biden’s wily insistence that House Republicans state an opening position in the debt ceiling standoff they started. Flat out flummoxed. Never in his wildest dreams did Kevin McCarthy imagine he’d need to publicly identify the specific spending cuts he wants. It’s breathtaking to behold.
“What do you want, Kevin?”
“Wh-what do you mean?”
“What do you want? What policy outcome are you seeking?“
…and Kevin can’t get his head out of that bag. It’s been a week, folks. A week.
“Aw heck, Mr. President, you’ve got me all tied up in knots! I figured we’d call you names for a few weeks, and then, I dunno…maybe you’d cut Medicaid?”
“Mmm. Well, come back when you figure out what you’re asking for, and we’ll take another crack at the ‘negotiating’ thing. Say hi to all your naked pictures of my son!”
Flummoxed. Fllllllllllummoxed. You haven’t seen the last of that word, friends. This goon squad can’t even convene a committee without accidentally granting the opposition a supermajority.
Obviously, everyone’s been super busy, fighting anti-Semitism, and owning imaginary libs with their cute little assault rifle pins, but I’m sure the serious governance is right around the corner. Any day now. Two weeks.
Watching Off-Brand Orbán’s campaign apparatus lurch back to life has been…well, it’s the old, familiar nausea, isn’t it? I’d almost forgotten the doddering old creep’s limitless capacity for resentment, for hate, for endless, mewling victimhood…can’t you just leave us alone, you fucking loser? Go home, loser, inflict yourself on your shitty kids, nobody likes you.
…nobody except, granted, your whiny loser cult. Congratulations on seven years and counting of falling for this sad, flaccid con, dorks. I know your precious media bubble is shielding you from the spectacle of your boy pleading the fifth over and over again like the cheap mobster he is, but it’s right here waiting for you when you’re ready. Top shelf, next to the Covid vaccine.
Until then, enjoy your big, tuff “revenge tour,” watching grandpa ramble about his secret plan to end the war in the Ukraine by kissing Putin's ass extra hard, in that secret spot only he knows about. He’ll play all the hits, (I hear he’s got an extended version of the toilet flushing bit that runs fifteen minutes, with a Stephen Miller drum solo) while working in new material here and there; it’ll be like watching a fascist prop comic at a state fair.
Incidentally, does “pink-haired communist teachers” sound like something you could get behind hating? Could that branding entice you to pitch a fit at a school board meeting or phone in a bomb threat or perhaps even join the ranks of some paramilitary organization and do some terrorism?
Because that gurgling undercurrent of violence will, obviously, be following Donald Trump back to the campaign trail; (and to Facebook and Twitter, thanks, billionaire tech bros!) he’s only gotten dumber and crazier in his Norma Desmond phase, he’s always spreading Q shit, and I bet somehow his pants fit even worse now, in incomprehensible, cubist ways.
Never fear, though, the Republican establishment is finally awake to the threat, and they are ON IT. They’ve developed a foolproof plan, to hope real hard that someone solves their problem for them, I mean, everybody dies eventually, right?
Should this stratagem somehow fail, the fallback plan, as expressed by such paragons of moderatey moderateness as Larry Hogan and Chris Sununu, is to once again wholeheartedly support the fellow who spent the entire transition period attempting to overturn the election he lost, culminating in a terrorist attack on the U.S. Capitol. My goodness, it’s so blindingly moderate, I find myself wearing sunglasses indoors.
I see Nikki Haley requires remedial education in the fundamental forces of white nationalist politics. Money donated to Nikki Haley’s presidential campaign should be taxed at a rate of 200%; surely a nanny state is required in the face of such senseless waste.
It’s hard enough to imagine a lower pursuit than emulating Donald Trump, but then Ron DeSantis’ dumb, thuggish take on MAGA authoritarianism is just so…repellent. The bits that kill on the death cult retirement home circuit might not play so well with voters who don’t have the luxury of driving themselves insane on the right-wing internet all day, y’know.
There are limits to the audience for the whinging white grievance of this spat with the College Board, and believe it or not, there are voters who won’t view your pathetic bullying of small, liberal schools as promotion-worthy. I’m just saying there might be a few underpants gnomes in this grand plan to ride a wave of Fauci derangement and petty tyranny to the White House.
But hey, if you creeps really want to stomp around, snatching books about Rosa Parks out of school libraries, while Joe Biden talks America’s ear off about all the jobs he’s created, you go right on ahead. Go apeshit. Build your “National Election Integrity Team” to keep looking for bamboo fibers, while reminding everyone what crazy, crazy assholes you all are. If it worked for Kari Lake, it’ll work for you! It totally worked for Kari Lake, by the way. She’s the uncrowned Queen of Arizona, Steve Bannon told me so.
At the rate we’re going, the 2024 Republican presidential debates’ll wind up as contests to see who can shout “groomer” the loudest. Moderated, no doubt, by Chaya Raichik. Of course Wee Don squealed with glee at the opportunity to roll around in the trans panic slop and call it campaigning; he’s right at home.
Apparently this “Silk” person believes the rudimentary t-shirt stand grift she ran with her recently deceased sister was important enough to merit assassination, and by spiffy, sci-fi “bio-weapon” to boot. Bless your narcissist heart. “We gotta get Diamond, but no one can know it was us!” said George Soros to Peter Strzok, in some smoky pizza restaurant basement.
The Ohio Department of Education is investigating a Neo-Nazi homeschooling network, because we’ve got Neo-Nazi homeschooling networks now, out in this “Real America” I’m always hearing about.
George Santos announced he will be stepping down from his committee assignments, in order to spend more time with his imaginary donors. George is gonna make somebody one helluva cellmate some day soon.
How fun would that be? You know he’ll have some story about, like, microfilm of what’s really on Hunter Biden’s laptop or some shit, that he buried someplace, and when you get out, you go looking for it, even though you know he was lying, and of course it turns out he was, but you’re not even mad, because you had such a fun little adventure. And then you get home and George Santos is robbing your house.
Nice to see Tucker Carlson sticking up for young George, nothing but winners there. Maybe the two of ‘em can spend a cozy evening in the glow of the scrotum-tanning machine, griping about stoves, and ranking animated candy mascots by sexual attractiveness. Always kinda had a thing for the Trix Rabbit, if I’m honest. Ambition is hot.
I see the Dotard is suing Bob Woodward, and I think America deserves to know precisely how much time he spent trying to sue Robert Redford before the lawyers talked him out of it.
After thorough consideration, I have decided the Chinese spy ballon story does not fall within my jurisdiction, so I will not be composing a joke about it at this time, though circumstances can always change, if some Republican congressman compares it to the Holocaust, for example.
We mentioned the Biden Boom a few paragraphs back, and I’d like to pop back there before we sign off, just to waggle them stats tauntingly at our populist Brexiteer brethren across th’pond, who are experiencing results of a somewhat different nature. It’s almost like loud idiots aren’t good at governing things.
Plus, it’s always nice, wrapping up on good news, don’tcha think? Perhaps I’ll write a book about the last half of Joe’s first term. I’d call it “Flummoxing McCarthy,” but for now, I need a beer. And the fridge is well stocked, owing to the generosity of the readership, which humbles me weekly. You stay safe out there, chums.
Marjorie Taylor Greene and the 221 Dwarfs (Ferret)
Before we dive into the latest antics from Kevin’s kooky kakistocrats, let’s take a moment to remember the context: this is an audition, folks. This is the Republican Party putting its best foot forward. These are their church clothes, and this is their best behavior. Yikes. Yiiiiiiiiiiiikes.
(Makes more sense with links, I promise: https://showercapblog.com/marjorie-taylor-greene-and-the-221-dwarfs/)
I use the word “unteachable” a lot in this blog because, well, how could I not? The Marvel comic about this Congress would be titled The Unteachable Kevin McCarthy. The signals from the 2022 midterm electorate were, um, let’s call them unsubtle, and yet Kevin’s message to everyone watching his first, faltering steps is, “Well actually, I don’t think you people gave Herschel Walker a fair shake, I’m going to speak louder and slower and you’ll see how wrong you were.”
The master plan, which is just leaderiffic if you ask me, is to plant Marjorie Taylor Greene center stage, and throw the doors open to the public. Don’t miss her on Oversight! Tune in every Wednesday to the United States House Committee on Homeland Security, to watch this idiot Nazi, excuse me, that’s unfair, this idiot Serial Inciter of Violence/Purveyor of Anti-Semitic Conspiracy Theories Who is Definitely Not a Nazi, There’re Super-Important Differences, wield the power of public office!
Kevin McCarthy and Marjorie Taylor Greene have a BOND, you guys. They’re buds. They go on bike rides and share malteds and stay up late chatting about Hunter Biden’s penis. Marj thinks she’s gonna be Vice President, by the way. And why wouldn’t she, with her “respectable” House colleagues so willing to justify their party’s elevation of a 9/11 truther to so many posts of prominence?
Kevin McCarthy is creating subcommittees just for Marjorie Taylor Greene to serve on. Yeah, she gets to work on the inquisition into, of all things, the government’s response to COVID-19. After spending the entire pandemic uncritically platforming every scrap of disinformation that drifted into her field of vision. That’s happening in real life. The Speaker of the House wants this wild-eyed fascist twit on television, screeching gibberish at Dr. Fauci. He believes that to be good governance, and good politics.
Now, it’s always a pleasure watching President Biden outmaneuver congressional Republicans, but I’m really enjoying the simple elegance of this “by all means, let’s hear more about Chip Roy’s plans!” approach to the debt ceiling standoff. Heh. Speak up so everybody can hear ya, Chip!
I’m sure Joe Biden would like nothing more than to spend a few weeks defending Social Security from you weirdos. If you really, truly want to pick that fight, with a wily old bastard who knows how to fight it…hey, I support your decision 100%. The public’s already on to your bullshit, dorks. Proceed.
Oh, and since you can’t afford to lose his vote, you’ll be taking this whoopin’ with George Santos providing the background music, a never-ending, cacophonous, avant-garde symphony of drag photos, campaign finance crimes, and Hitler jokes. George wants to help the Jewish space laser lady raise the age for Medicare eligibility, isn’t that right, Chip?
A group of Republican House freshmen theatrically boycotted a White House reception, over COVID rules, because conservatism is mostly about throwing the same tantrums over and over until you drop dead. What a cool way to be. Yelling at science, defending the likes of Santos and MTG. Looks awesome, you guys, congratulations on your lives.
Join me in a sinister cackle, comrades, for we have successfully Jade Helmed Newsmax off of DirecTV! Muah hah hah, another successful speech suppression operation perpetrated by the vast, Soros-funded conspiracy against all that is true and right. Or, maybe, just maybe, another shoddy Fox knockoff that failed to find an audience in an oversaturated market?
It’s not DirecTV’s responsibility to compensate you financially for your failings, you socialists. There’s nothing sinister at work here, you’re just not very good at something that not a lot of people want. I get that, I used to be a stage actor. You’re the community theatre version of what the Murdochs do, and I imagine whatever audience there may’ve been for such a product ivermectined its way out of the subscriber base some time ago, alas.
Worried their clown makeup wasn’t reading in the cheap seats, congressional Republicans actually vowed to investigate this nonsense. Elise Stefanik tweeted, “It would be unacceptable to de-platform Newsmax, a popular news channel that many of my constituents in #NY21 depend on for news.” Give us a fucking break, Elise. People watch Newsmax for news the way they read Playboy for the articles, only less so.
Mike Pompeo made a hard play for the not insignificant segment of the Republican primary electorate that attended Trump rallies mostly to threaten journalists, taking a controversial “if Khashoggi didn’t want to be dismembered by an autocrat’s bonesaw why was he dressed so journalistically?” stance in his new book, which I believe is titled Big Tuff Scary Mike and His Presidential Delusion.
Again, this is vote-for-me Mike Pompeo. Mike Pompeo on his book tour.
Jim Banks thinks it’s a shame that bodily autonomy is just a hop, skip, and a jump over the state line away for so many American women, and that Indiana oughta elect Jim Banks to the U.S. Senate so he can do sumthin’ about that. Can’t say I agree, but then, I wouldn’t’ve elected a seething, puritanical dweeb Governor, either.
Speaking of Mike Pence, it seems he, too, is naught but a petty smuggler of classified documents, which would complicate quite a few wingnut narratives, if the MAGA mob required logical consistency from the Two Minutes Hate, which they, um, don’t.
I’d like to quickly share, as sort of a palate cleanser, my favorite political headline of the week:
Potential Biden challenger Marianne Williamson heads to New Hampshire
I got such a warm chuckle out that. Such charmingly harmless self-deception, compared to the kind we usually get. Anyway, back to the awful shit.
I see Off-Brand Orbán finally mustered the stamina to add a little campaigning to his presidential campaign. All his would-be rivals are still quivering in terror, of course, even though he can’t find anyone willing to be seen with him in South Carolina, (outside of his loyalest lapdog, Lindsey, of course) which just goes to show the perils of building a cult of personality around a massive loser.
Other Trump 2024 launch events included a bizarre, inappropriate eulogy for the recently departed “Diamond” (or “Silk,” possibly) and a curiously public victory lap over a fraudulently won golf tournament. And if you are truly afraid to challenge this sad, soggy sack of shit, may I gently suggest you are perhaps not cut from presidential timber?
You know who’s not afraid of Donald Trump? Joe Biden.
Well, wee Donnie may be a loser, but at least he’ll be a loser with a Facebook page again, assuming he can get out from under his own loser social media platform, which failed, like everything he’s ever attempted in his loser life. Meta’s hoping to rake in the big bucks by catering to the Q crowd, echoing the strategy that’s worked out so well for Newsmax and Twitter.
Twitter. Good gravy. Poor Elon can’t figure out where he went wrong. “How many Nazis do I have to reinstate to get my advertising revenue back!?!?” he bellows, alone at night in his office. He’s a genius.
Anyway.
As the fallen Turd Reich seeks resurrection, perhaps we should take a look at some of the recent revelations about the way they wielded power the first time, from the thuggish corruption of Bill Barr and John Durham to the federal execution spree they somehow managed to make time for during their Keystone Koup.
I thought it was fitting that news of Billy & Johnny’s aborted Watergate sequel broke the same week the special agent in charge of counterintelligence for the FBI’s New York office during the 2016 election got arrested for working for a Russian oligarch. But yeah, clearly there was no legitimate reason to launch that investigation that found all those crimes. Pay no attention to the high-ranking FBI official on Oleg Deripaska’s payroll. Something something deep state.
John Eastman faces potential disbarment in California, over his role in that one criminal conspiracy to end American democracy on behalf of a game show host. Yeah, he probably shouldn’t be a lawyer. Though I can’t imagine there’s much of a line outside his office at this point. I mean, who would hire John freakin’ Eastm-oh right.
Look, all Ron DeSantis did was use powers he recently granted himself to outlaw the teaching of an AP African American Studies course, what’s the big deal, and incidentally, can you believe some people claim institutional racism exists?
It took weeks of sustained harassment and her own personal slur, but a Republican actually denounced Donald Trump’s racism this week. I’d like to express my sincere appreciation to every single Republican who supported, seconded, or shared Secretary Chao’s message, which won’t take long.
The RNC resoundingly rewarded Ronna Notromney for her record of steady, sustained failure, and you see how challenging it is for me to avoid landing on “unteachable” every other paragraph. Shoutout to the four deep thinkers who actually voted for the MyPillow guy, though.
Four more Oath Keepers were convicted of seditious conspiracy, while the Proud Boys trial is still underway. Jury selection starts Monday in the case of the Loyal Order of Real Men Who Pulled Up Their Pants All By Themselves And Everything.
That guy who peaked when he got to act like a twelve-year-old in Nancy Pelosi’s office for a few minutes was also convicted, and he sure has a cool life ahead of him now. At least he got to meet Tucker Carlson.
Not that you asked, but Tucker spent his week ranting about insufficiently sexy candy mascots and the dastardly wokeness of XBox’s new power-saving settings, when he wasn’t threatening to invade Canada, presumably with the legion of freaks he drives violently insane every night. And somehow, he still wasn’t the shittiest thing on Fox this week.
No, that honor belongs to their on-air response to the release of bodycam footage from the Paul Pelosi attack. Zounds. I’m sure it stung, the rush of memories from those heady days of hammer jokes, when your precious red wave seemed so certain, but maybe a little good, old-fashioned shame is just what you kids need.
I myself require something a little…hoppier, if you’ll forgive the customary, clumsy, closing transition to the (improved n’ expanded!) tip jar page. And if not, well, I don’t need your forgiveness, you’re not my mom, but stay safe out there either way, okay?
Harry Potter and the Oversight Committee of Madness (Ferret)
Zounds. Possibly the dumbest week yet, and I don’t say that lightly. From “Idaho Republican sorry for comparing women's health to milking cows” to “I want you to make me a shoe I can fuck,” this week’s news was determined to bludgeon our battered brains into paste, but mine scabbed over years ago.
(Always makes more sense with th’links: https://showercapblog.com/harry-potter-and-the-oversight-committee-of-madness/)
So I guess we’re jumping right into the manufactured debt ceiling crisis. Welp, it’s leaderin’ time, Speaker McCarthy, let’s see what you got. Looks like we’re gonna do the thing where Chip Roy and his idiot buddies get an eight ball and play chicken with the global economy until Kevin takes the keys away, that’ll be fun to live through.
Especially since Kev has to run everything by Marj first. Yes, riding a wave of momentum after holding fifteen times as many speakership votes as that bum Pelosi ever allowed, the House’s mad new masters passed out committee assignments this week, and my god, they’re actually going to try to govern the country with these yahoos.
The makeup of the Republican side of the House Oversight Committee is…howling lunacy. A roster drawn straight from a roadside freak show in some 50’s exploitation flick, or maybe even the Troma remake. Gosar. Boebert. Taylor Greene. Perry. What the fuck are you thinking, Kevin?
Folks, Paul Gosar is a scary dude. A scary dude in clown shoes, yes, but an unapologetic white nationalist who lost his committee assignments in the first place for inciting political violence. Why do you want an unapologetic white nationalist who lost his committee assignments for inciting political violence conducting oversight of the federal government? Why is that desirable, for either the nation or your party?
He’s also completely nuts, and creepy as hell to boot. Like, just from a casting perspective, I’m not sure why you want the “doctor brought in to torture James Bond” type represented on your team during your little Hunter Biden show. Well, when he decides to use the national platform you gave him to rant about the “great replacement,” don’t come crying to me.
Plus, you want MTG and Boebert dueling for attention in front of live cameras, as they frolic through this blossoming, TMZ-for-fashy-dweebs feud? They’re already fighting in the bathroom, you hapless goon, how do you imagine this is going to work out for you? If any of this shit actually worked, you’d be coordinating legislation with the offices of Senators Walker, Masters, and Bolduc right now, but you’re not, ARE YOU?
Marjorie will also be bringing her rich expertise on the threat posed by Jewish space lasers to the Homeland Security Committee, where she plans on acting as an instrument of God’s “vengeance,” and everything’s so healthy and normal, I don’t know why I even bother blogging anymore.
Anyway, with the more garish ghouls drawing the spotlight, it was barely noted that Scott Perry was also named to Oversight, and he’s the dangerous one, folks. The FBI wouldn’t seize the cellphone of a sitting U.S. Congressman without serious reason to believe that phone contained evidence of substantial fuckery, and anyone who tells you different is probably trying to sell you horse dewormer.
Boy, this George Santos character jumped the shark in a hurry, huh? I was really into his zany antics at first, but now he feels like a dumping ground for all the writers’ room’s weirdest ideas. Like, he was a drag queen who lied about his mom dying on 9/11 and he stole money from a disabled veteran’s dying dog? You’re just insulting my intelligence at this point.
…but House Republicans need his vote, (for what, they couldn’t tell you) so what’s one more con man excused and enabled, more or less? And sure, fine. All I’m saying is, if you absolutely insist on defending this sorry shitbird, we get to play the video at your funeral.
Anyway, as squirrel poop nutty as things are in Washington, it’s the states that’re the true laboratories of kakistocracy. In North Dakota, some unfathomable numbnuts called “David Clemens” wants to pass a law imposing a $1,500 fine for using a transgender person’s preferred pronouns, because Republicans believe that government is where the angriest idiots go to tell the rest of us what we’re allowed to think.
The high priests of DeSantistan issued their latest edict, proclaiming an AP African American Studies course anathematic, on the grounds that it “significantly lacks educational value.” In Missouri, they’re dreaming of patriotism boot camps for public school teachers, and golly doesn’t that sound like the kind of dream George Orwell might have after an evening of pizza rolls and boxed wine? And then there’s this one:
Ahead of the opening of the Texas state legislature last week, Republican state Sen. Bob Hall introduced a bill to mandate that food containing “human fetal tissue” be “clearly and conspicuously labeled.”
My god, what an insane thing to do. To not just rant from a barstool, but file a whole-ass piece of legislation? Such demented industry. Better than attacking an FBI office with a nail gun, I suppose. Incidentally, I love that it’s about labeling, not banning this aborted fetus trail mix that exists only in Bob Hall’s mind. A+ wingnut shitfit.
In an intellectual joust sure to be remembered alongside the Lincoln-Douglas debates, Chuck Todd and Ron Johnson did strive ‘gainst one another, as twin colossi astride the nation’s discourse, and surely any attempt to transcribe the substance here would fail most pitifully; these men are simply beyond mortals such as we. O how the ground doth tremble when titans clash; ‘tis said Hummel figurines fell from mantel displays as far away as Wilkes-Barre.
Warmest congratulations to every huckster consultant who pulls a paycheck out of the Pennsylvania GOP’s big postmortem project. I’m totally applying for that gig. Anything beyond an envelope containing one photograph of Doug Mastriano and one of Dr. Oz, maybe one of the jackass who endorsed ‘em both, would be counterproductive, and if you need assistance figuring that out, you deserve to be parted from your money.
Fox News seems curiously uninterested in covering this week’s MAGA Republican Candidate is Actual Terrorist story, likely because they haven’t quite figured out how to pin Solomon Peña’s crimes on antifa. Anyway, they’re far too busy driving the next wave of Solomon Peñas insane.
Tucker Carlson has apparently decided to rehabilitate Dick Nixon, as some kind of warrior against th’deep state, while simultaneously hailing the restoration of the freedom to smoke indoors in congressional offices as a second Yorktown, and look, I enjoy the inane grievances of the mediocre as much as the next fellow, but I bet you’d be happier if you changed the channel.
Like, when you find yourself snickering along with Ben Shapiro’s skeevy prison rape fantasies, do you even notice what you’ve done to yourself, or do you just wait for another celebrity to die so you can join the ritual freakout and shriek about vaccines until sleep takes you?
I’m embarrassed even typing this, but Mike Huckabee appears to’ve published a children’s book about renowned human trafficker Ronald Dion DeSantis. Mark it down, folks; in, oh, say 15-20 years, you’ll start noticing this thing in the background every time a tabloid news show gains access to a serial killer’s apartment. Clown wig, jar of human teeth, and The Kids Guide to Ron DeSantis. “Again?” you’ll say to yourself, “what an odd coincidence.”
In the face of financial sanctions over his frivolous lawsuit against Hillary Clinton, wee Donnie One-Term withdrew a similar suit targeting New York Attorney General Letitia James, because I guess somebody’s not generating enough NFT money to fund all his favorite charades anymore. Those million-dollar fines can pile up in a hurry, when you’re the biggest loser in human history in the middle of his “and fall” phase.
Even the evangelicals are scuttling off the ship now, such is the loserstench emanating from the captain’s cabin. Seems like only yesterday they were laying their idolatrous hands on you, and you were jealous, because their fingers were all so normal-sized, anyway, I’m sure we’ll be treated to plenty of mewling about “disloyalty” as the pavement approaches. Good.
Well, gloat if you like, but if you triggered libtards were honest with yourselves, you’d admit you’re just jealous of Donald Trump’s awesome folder collection. Oh, and I will not be composing a joke about the E. Jean Carroll/Marla Maples story, because life is too goddamn short to spend contemplating a stunted pervert’s sexual psychoses.
Actually, I think we’ve all suffered enough for one week. I better stock the beer fridge before the Freedom Caucus gets too frisky…just in case. You stay safe out there, m‘lovelies.
Any progress on that fuckable footwear, by the way? No? Ah, well. Someday…someday.
Moving Past the Speaker Vote Was a Mistake (Ferret)
Watching Republicans take control of the House of Representatives has been like looking at TikTok videos where they give sea monkeys knives and meth. Which I hope isn’t a real thing. It’s fuckin’ nutty out there, is what I’m trying to say.
(Makes more sense with links: https://showercapblog.com/moving-past-speaker-vote/)
Well, it took a display of buffoonish dysfunction unseen in a century, but the new MAGA majority finally managed to anoint Kevin McCarthy, who ascended to the post of Grand High Kakistocrat with a swagger most unbefitting a man who spent an entire week devouring Chip Roy’s shit on live television.
The most shocking part of the whole affair was when someone intervened to save Matt Gaetz from perhaps the most deserved whoopin’ in Washington. I would’ve thought some sort of evolutionary instinct kicks in, when the herd stumbles into an opportunity to rid itself of a tantrum-prone child molester.
But we are not dealing with bright people here. Thanks to Kev’s first-class leadering, the looniest loons in his razor-thin majority seized the power to yoke the whole party to the deranged agenda that blew up in their faces during the easiest midterms of all time, aka the GOP’s third consecutive electoral disaster.
You sort of want Clarence from It’s a Wonderful Life to torment these dorks with a vision of the Congress they could’ve had, the Congress they lost by nominating telequacks and white nationalists and Some Guy Who Painted a Reality TV Character On His Lawn. It’d break their hearts; Mr. Potter makes the townsfolk take turns carrying him around on a litter, and JFK Jr. finally comes back.
You see fuckin’ McCarthy thank Trump? Jesus Christ. It’s like thanking a colon polyp. Kevin’s life is a floor, and every inch of that floor is covered in Donald Trump’s Legos, and he still cannot stop sucking on that ass. Cool leader, House Republicans.
Anyway, experts from across the ideological spectrum agree, the new majority’s inflation-fighting plan is flawless, apart from not existing. Problem-solving isn’t really these folks’ “thing.” Think of this particular branch of the federal government as a publicly-funded content farm for the Murdochs for the next two years.
They want to jump right into these hearings, y’see, because obviously, what America’s thirstiest for right now is more performative batshittery. They think all they have to do is push the Benghazi button over and over again until all their cares disappear. The belief that Donald Trump would’ve been reelected, if only more voters had seen Hunter Biden’s dong, while demented, seems both widespread and sincere.
So hearings it is, then! Insurrectionist legislators who begged for pardons two short years ago now get to “investigate the investigators,” which is every crook’s fantasy, I suppose. Gym Jordan will chair the newly-formed House Select Committee to Hopefully Disrupt Criminal Investigations Into Republican Treachery With Inane Screeching. Scott Perry apparently wants to get on that one, figuring it’s his best shot at getting his phone back.
Ok, if this is really what y’all want…send in the clowns. Paul Gosar’s certainly got a few ideas, if you’re feelin’ frisky. After your midterm washout and your 15 Speaker votes. Everything’s goin’ great, kids, keep doing what you’re doing. Go ahead, normalize Marjorie Taylor Greene, see where it gets you. Heck, why not “expunge” one of Donnie One-Term’s impeachments, that’ll get the gibbering fuckwits off.
Anyway, outside the community theatre-level show trials, the rest of the GOP platform has been transcribed directly from the peasant torture porn Rick Scott composes. They struck a mighty, populist blow for America’s wealthiest tax cheats, for example, because sometimes the oldest cons work best.
Like, at one end of the Republican Party, you’ve got the culmination of Pete Ricketts’ cartoonishly corrupt plot to purchase himself a Senate seat, and at the other sits human corncob Ben Shapiro, prudishly whinging about Dr. Dre lyrics in defense of MTG. It’s an absurd system, but it’s worked my entire life. “I’m so mad about this toy potato’s gender, I hereby DEMAND the government make my boss richer!” Well…okay, if you’re sure.
And of course it wouldn’t be a new Republican Congress without a fresh assault on reproductive rights, despite the electorate’s resounding rejection of their regressiveness. Glenn Youngkin, who bumbled by pure chance into the sole, fleeting moment of the past half decade when his party wasn’t electorally toxic, once hoped to ride a 15-week abortion ban all the way to the White House, but after a Dem flip in a special election for a state Senate seat, he’s looking more and more like just another overreaching wingnut shithead, which, coincidentally, is what he is.
Amazingly, I’m still not done documenting the stupid shit House Republicans did with their first-but-really-second week in charge. There’s the “fair tax,” and the promise of lewd gyrations come debt ceiling time, and if you really want to poke yourself in the brain, I guess you can read about the squabble over the Zelensky bust, but I wouldn’t recommend it. The serious governance is right around the corner, though.
Perhaps the most distressing trend in politics right now is the growing movement demanding George Santos’ resignation. How dare you seek to rob us of this magnificent goon? America deserves this subplot, you joyless puritans. Shit, it barely took a week to reduce him to podcasting with a pedophile; let’s find out how low this little creep can go. Both he and his party deserve this spectacle so fucking much.
I guess we should touch on the Biden docs story. Sigh. You knew the moment you saw that headline that our poor, befuddled media wouldn’t be able to handle it. It’s like watching the family cat get his head stuck in a cup again. “Oh, sweetie, your poor little cat brain just can’t figure this out, can it?”
They don’t know whether to shit or go blind. “Something Joe Biden did bears superficial similarities to one of Donald Trump’s dozens of crimes*? Clearly our only option is to ignore the magnitudes of severity separating these alleged acts of wrongdoing, and treat them as perfectly equivalent scandals!”
*Why, just this week, his business received the maximum allowable fine (of just $1.6 million? WTF, legal system?) following 17 felony convictions.
…maybe just pushing the Benghazi button over and over again isn’t such a bad plan after all. Sssssssssssssssssigh
I see the Brazilian wing of the International Brotherhood of the Angry and Subpar staged a sad, flaccid, copycat riot of their own, which somehow failed, despite the involvement of super-successful American coup-plotters like Steve Bannon and Jason Miller. Many, if not most of the global Right’s problems stem from deference to losers, when you think about it.
Seriously, lookit the dumpsterful of used buttholes supporting this pathetic knockoff coup: Ali Alexander. Tucker Carlson. Andrew Torba. And yeah, fucking Bannon. Imagine following Steve Bannon this far past his expiration date.
Like, personally, I would not look to Steve Bannon for guidance on much of anything, but on the specific issue of using mob violence to overturn the results of an election? C’mon, man. I can’t imagine what Steve’s wheelhouse is, but we know it’s not that.
Jair himself is still chillin’ down in DeSantistan; I’m told he’s getting a mah-jongg group together with Madison Cawthorn and some of the other new kids in the neighborhood. Getting pretty freaky down in Florida, innit? I guess when you’re pitching your state as a retirement community for fashy fuckups, you pursue some wacky policies, like, say, I dunno, hypothetically, a state-sponsored, theocratic assault on a public college?
The bone-chilling deep dive of the week comes once again from the Failing New York Times, profiling Montana’s rightward drift into Christian nationalism, in the age of Greg “Remember When I Physically Assaulted a Reporter? I’m Governor Now!” Gianforte. You might wanna bookmark Jon Tester’s ActBlue page, is all I’m saying.
Good news, the Missouri House of Representatives shall ne’ermore be tarnished by the filthy, undulating, bare arms of those harlots brazen enough to flaunt them. No, they’ve instituted a brand new dress code, which “requires women’s arms to be concealed,” because Republicans aren’t afraid to tackle the tough stuff.
Seems Donald Trump does not enjoy being compared to Hitler. I mean, I wouldn’t, either. Which is one of the big reasons why I don’t act like Hitler. Which is an option. In most situations, I’d think. Not to get all cat poster on anybody, but every passing minute is another chance to stop acting like Hitler. But you have to want it.
While we’re plumbing the depths of our 45th President’s psyche, we’re told that in 2017, he concocted a plan to nuke North Korea, and blame it (the nuclear holocaust) on somebody else, (Tiffany, no doubt) a stratagem that would be dismissed as ridiculous and unrealistic on any playground in America, but just another day at the office for the visionary genius who tamed the coronavirus with bleach enemas.
Speaking of geniuses, what’s Elon Musk been up to? Reinstating conspiracy theorists' Twitter accounts and losing more money than anyone in human history, you say? And bless his heart, he still doesn’t see the link, one hundred and eighty-two billion dollars later.
I don’t laugh out loud at a lot of headlines, but Paul Ryan Savagely Attacks ‘Proven Loser’ Trump broke me. Wow, that sounds so exciting! You’d never guess it linked to a story about a has-been milksop test-driving a couple one-liners that didn’t catch on. The only thing Paul Ryan ever savagely attacked in his whole life, by the way, was his own dignity.
Former Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to prison this week, as was mewling white supremacist gadfly Baked Alaska. So you see, things fit rather snugly on that Ricketts/Shapiro scale I proposed a few paragraphs back.
I missed it last week, but John Bolton and/or the genocidal mustache-shaped gremlin symbiotically attached to his upper lip are officially running for President. Some poor rookie political reporter is gonna get stuck covering Bolton rallies in Iowa, and they’re not even gonna get any good stories out of it.
(Makes more sense with links: https://showercapblog.com/moving-past-speaker-vote/)
Look, I don’t want to keep you, I know you have your orders, from Fauci, to confiscate your Real Murican neighbors’ gas stoves, and replace them with Obama Ovens™️, which run on turds harvested from furry kids’ litter boxes at woke public schools. Surprisingly clean energy source, furry kids’ turds. Science is amazing.
After this latest reshuffling of his top brass, I bet Putin’s got the deck chairs juuuuuuust how he likes ‘em, but the iceberg’s getting tanks now, so I don’t think he’s out of the woods just yet. How the iceberg wound up in the woods is a matter for another night, and a better writer.
A more sober one, anyway. The beer fridge overfloweth, thanks to the generosity of the readership, and I remain humbled and thankful. So y’all stay safe out there, and we’ll do this again next week.
Welcome to Your New Life, Kevin McCarthy. No Refunds. (Ferret!)
We’ve seen some stupid, stupid shit together over the years, you and I, but this week…hoo boy. The Republican Party simply will not stop stabbing itself in the brain. God knows why. Just double fisting icepicks and gouging away.
(Links aplenty, and the shiniest of colors await ye on the blog site: https://showercapblog.com/welcome-to-your-new-life-kevin-mccarthy-no-refunds/)
After squandering the most favorable midterm political environment any of them are likely to see, Republicans were eager to turn the page, to move on from the perverts n’ weirdos, but that’s not how it works, campers; you’re a MAGA party now, and for every Doug Mastriano or Herschel Walker you shove back under the bed, there’re ten Chip Roys looking to claw their way into the spotlight. There will always be another pervert. There will always be another weirdo. This is the life you asked for. Have fun with it.
Yes, weaned on gameshowified politics and the reliably impotent harrumphing of feckless moderates, Kevin’s terrible toddler caucus busted out of the nursery and clamped a vise around his nuts, and who could’ve seen that coming except everybody? It’s like running a day care center where you feed the kids nothing but Pixy Stix and espresso, screen films from the Saw franchise all day, and then take ‘em to the symphony and expect ‘em to behave.
I’m drafting this after ballot #13, as Kevin parades around with his I Lost Slightly Less Humiliatingly This Time participation trophy, and if he does survive, I’m sure history will view this week’s drastic lowering of already low expectations as a savvy move on his part. This Congress is going to need to measure its successes in Mayonnaise Jars Opened, and even then, don’t get greedy.
Not sure how much of the store is left for ol’ Kev to give away at this point, but I have faith in his ability to find creative new ways to debase himself. Not the best vote-counter, perhaps, but a world-class capitulator. This season of Debt Ceiling Chicken is gonna be lit.
There’s supposed to be another vote later tonight, but if your plan involves Gaetz and Boebert voluntarily relinquishing their stranglehold on the C-SPAN feed…good luck. But who knows, maybe at some point in the near future, House Republicans will finally manage to drag their sad, saggy selves over the starting line, and I’m sure it’ll be two years of nonstop legislative mastery after that.
(Anyway, this is the rare story that’s fast-moving on a Friday night, which is when I post, so I apologize in advance for any stale takes. As always, you may return any unused portion of this blog for a full refund.)
Let me add, George Santos waddling around in the background, ducking reporters, voting McCarthy, getting his finger stuck in his ear every couple hours…it’s just an exquisite detail. My compliments, this is one lovingly crafted clusterfuck.
I also thought it was a nice touch when the boondoggle lasted long enough to barrel into America’s insurrectiversary, in case the lessons about meddling with forces you can’t hope to control were still too subtle for anybody. Which, spoilerz: yup.
Anyway, as much fun as it is watching Kevin McCarthy lose, one can endure just so many pointless floor votes before the thrill of waiting to see what Andy Ogles will do wears off. Luckily, this train wreck triggered many a MAGA meltdown, as the party of deranged idiots struggled to come to grips with the consequences of a being a party of deranged idiots.
Even Ben Shapiro was forced to acknowledge the “general perception that Republicans are incompetent and foolish.” Yeah, Ben, you lower the standards a little at a time, until one day you wake up to a headline about Ali Alexander calling Marjorie Taylor Greene a “harlot,” and you realize, “wow, I’m in a political coalition with both of these people,” and I imagine the journey to “wait, are we dumbasses?” is fairly short from there.
Suddenly all these people who do nothing but rile up the mob all day are confused and indignant that there’s a mob to deal with. It’s kind of adorable, actually, watching Sean Hannity, cast as the stodgy, finger-wagging institutionalist, berate Lauren Boebert until she runs away screaming “I learned it by watching you!!!” Those two can split a bag of dicks, by the way.
Oh man, we were just talking about the masturbatory delusion of the Mike Pence Can Totally Win a Republican Presidential Primary, They Barely Tried to Lynch Him At All thinkpiece, when along comes Peter King with an absolute classic of the genre.
Yup yup, Mike Pence is the future of the Republican Party, and I bet Pete’s endorsement is what turns this whole thing around. Can’t imagine we’ll be hearing about this silly “MAGA” business for very much longer, not with PETER KING on the case.
Hope you caught the fantastic-if-chilling profile in the Failing New York Times of Elise Stefanik, who regrets she has but one soul to sell in her quest for power for its own sake. Every fascist movement needs a few hollow climbers to help the psychos find the light switches and fill out the paperwork. A few amoral enablers. A few Elise Stefaniks, if you will.
Matt Schlapp always seemed like precisely the sort of fellow who would grope somebody’s crotch without consent, so absolutely zero surprising news broke on the Matt Schlapp front this week. Moving on.
Fun little details keep trickling out of the January 6th committee’s report…didja see where Off-Brand Orbán somehow found time, mid-coup, to attempt to trademark the phrase “rigged election?” He’s like a truffle pig, only what he roots out, unerringly, in any situation, is the cheapest possible swindle. It’s breathtaking, in a way.
I see Jair Bolsonaro fled to DeSantistan, because I guess we’re the sort of shithole country that defeated autocrats flee to now. You guys, what if we’re not a shining city upon a hill?
The anti-vax crowd glommed onto an NFL tragedy for one of their ritual shitfits; everybody spread a bunch of conspiracy theories and injected ivermectin into their genitals and stabbed their brains for a bit; you’re super jealous you weren’t invited, don’t deny it.
Armed with the media literacy of a third-grader, Joe Rogan casually unleashed a harassment mob on an innocent doctor, lots of super healthy dynamics at work there. To everybody out there who decided to terrorize a stranger because of something Joe Rogan said, a hearty congratulations on your choices, and your awesome, awesome life. We need mandatory classes in role model vetting in this country. Especially for dudes.
Which brings us to manosphere icon Andrew Tate, whose famous fleet of luxury cars got seized by Romanian authorities in their sex-trafficking investigation. The cars achieved global notoriety recently, when Tate boasted of their mighty emissions on the internet, to a 19-year-old girl, which is the sort of thing only the manliest men do.
What else, what ellllllllllse…oh, here’s a nifty headline: 2 Men Accidentally Set Themselves On Fire Trying to Burn Down an Immigration Center. That’s a solid little play-within-a-play for this week, innit? Reinforces several key themes.
“Is the right winning the comedy wars?” asks a piece attempting to make sense of snickering jackass Greg Gutfeld’s popularity. Read it if you hate yourself, I guess. What Gutfeld does isn’t comedy, for the record, he just sneers and giggles while spewing the same bile as everybody else on Fox. As for the comedy wars, well, “meet the House GOP’s newly crowned comedy king,” Tim Burchett:
“Another time, after visiting then-President Donald Trump at the White House with other members, Burchett was the last to run onto the bus — yelling they needed to peel out because he’d just stolen the baby Jesus from the Nativity scene (he had not actually done so).”
Yikes. I suppose if Paul Ryan is what passes for a policy wonk in your sorry assemblage, Tim’s about as much as you could hope for, class clown-wise. “Is the right winning the comedy wars?” Ooooooof. Even RT couldn’t spin that shit.
Hey, at the risk of getting sappy, I was kinda overwhelmed by the outpouring of support last week, when we unveiled the expanded tip jar page. Thank you. Y’all were very, very kind, and I’m very, very appreciative, because I was able to purchase a tremendous amount of beer. Beer that deserves my attention now. Stay safe out there, and somebody wake me up when there’s a Speaker.
What Took You So Long, George Santos? (Ferret)
Well, the time has come to reflect upon the passing of another year. Doesn’t that sound fun? To relive every gem of Herschel Walkerian wisdom and Libs of TikTok bomb threat? Tár and Andor were pretty good, but my plan is to bang my head against the wall until I can’t remember who Mark Finchem is, and I’m willing to accept a fair amount of collateral damage.
(As is customary, links n’ shiny, shiny colors await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/what-took-you-so-long-george-santos/)
Y’know, I was so worried about what would happen to the country if the creeps n’ freaks actually won power in the midterms, I didn’t have any spare headspace to contemplate the poo-flinging-howler-monkeys-performing-Ionesco wackiness of the Republican civil war that would follow if they didn’t, so these last few weeks’ve been surprisingly delightful. I have a favorite circular firing squad now, which I never expected. It has been a show, y’all.
For example, Mike Lindell turning his crazed attention toward Ron DeSantis? Glorious! Like watermelon Oreos, that was something I had no idea I even wanted until I’d devoured half the bag.
Plus, Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene are fighting. Feuding, even, WWF style. Like watching two shithouse rats go at it. Andy Biggs vs. MTG, too? What have I done to deserve such bounty? (A single tear of joy rolls down his cheek, somehow transforming at the end into a butterfly with radiant, crystalline wings.)
Shit, even Sean Hannity’s on the outs with the maniacal MAGA multitudes, for saying, of their holy, belovéd Big Lie, “I did not believe it for one second.” Gracious. I wouldn’t worry, bro, it’s not like there’s any sort of massive propaganda apparatus in this country, with a proven track record of inciting violence against enemies of the faithful. Hey, help me out, Sean, I forget sometimes, who signs your checks again?
Didja see Kevin McCarthy’s yapping little threat to his Republican colleagues in the Senate? You may’ve missed it, it was pretty hard to hear over the ball gag Marj makes him wear, but everyone was really impressed. Good luck in your big election next week, Kev; sure would be a shame if you fell victim to the very forces you’ve unleashed.
Congressdolt-elect George Santos, who is almost certainly going to turn out to be six marmots in a trench coat, is gonna fit right in, isn’t he? I don’t have space in this blog to keep up with all of Georgie’s “embellishments,” though I’ll grudgingly admit it was noble of him to save all those endangered whales from the Holocaust, but golly, how much do you have to suck to get frickin’ Tulsi shoving you out of the tent this hard? I mean, this is a pretty shitty tent we’re talkin’ about. It’s frankly a little weird you wanted in the tent in the first place.
Seems Nick Fuentes is inviting incels into the tent, because nothing screams “master race” quite like building your entire personality around being belligerently unfuckable. I mean, what’s one lie about your mom dying on 9/11 between incels? Pour yourself a glass of ivermectin and start writin’ laws, kiddo!
Viewed exclusively in terms of electability in a Republican primary, Mike Pence is like if Tim Pawlenty and Judas had a baby, but following politics in this day and age means consuming periodic masturbatory think pieces about his future in the party that tried to lynch him. It was Politico’s turn this week, but maybe we’ll get a real treat someday soon, and he’ll sit down with Chuck Todd to discuss Mother’s point of view on whether or not an encounter with Ashli Babbitt would’ve counted as being alone with another woman.
Meanwhile, Kari Lake’s Fair-to-Middling Lie shambles feebly on, attracting little attention, decisively losing in court here, inciting violence there, ho hum. Rapidly congealing conventional wisdom says she’s done, because “there’s no place for losers in Trumpworld,” as though MAGA culture was anything other than a resentment cult for losers.
Especially now, with the Diminished Dotard wallowing ineffectually in his own stink down in Marm-a-Lago, pretending to run for President, pushing the phantom Diet Coke button, watching Sunset Blvd. over and over, which is a little on the nose, if you ask me.
I see he’s now claiming to be “clairvoyant,” and I’m actually not willing to dismiss this one out of hand. Think about it, how else could he pass a cognitive test?
We finally got to see those tax returns, too, and when you think about it, Wee Donnie One-Term’s legal stall tactics have only just begun to run out of road. Tick tock, fuckhead.
Well, the January 6th committee wrapped up their work, making criminal referrals for Off-Brand Orbán and several of his dipshittiest collaborators. I certainly hope a copy of their report survives to be excavated by the alien archaeologists studying whatever remains of our stupid, stupid society in the far-flung future, though they’ll likely assume it’s just some trashy airport novel, and not a particularly believable one. “All the old, predictable Terran clichés: the Chief of Staff burning docs in the office fireplace, the lawyers advising their clients to lie; but we’re supposed to believe there’d be time during an attempted autogolpe to pursue petty revenge against an usher? Don’t insult my intelligence, I have 2.5 brains.”
MAGA Nation truly embraced the spirit of Xmas this year, between the resurrection of their treasured migrant trafficking stunt, the homophobic vandalism of NYC Councilman Erik Bottcher’s home, and the how-did-this-not-open-an-actual-portal-to-Hell collision of Tucker Carlson and stochastic supernova Chaya Raichik. Because they’re all such good Christians, you see.
They saved their Jesusest behavior for the visiting Volodymyr Zelensky, of course, because there’s nothing a modern right-winger hates more than being reminded that their dreams of violent domination will forever be stifled by their inescapable inadequacy at all human endeavors that require any skill beyond deceiving the braindead.
“What?” you may be thinking to yourself, “How addicted to Putin’s bloody taintsweat do you have to be to take his side against a global hero on the front lines of the fight against tyranny?” Well, you’ll have to ask Tucker Carlson about that. Or Tulsi Gabbard. Or Don Junior. Or Glenn Greenwald. Yeah. Folks like that. The kind of stuff we filter out at the sewage treatment plant, or “pundits” as they say on the Right.
Incidentally, kids, Plucky Underdog Triumphing Over Massive Imperial Oppressor was always going to resonate with the American public; it’s the story we’ve told about ourselves since our founding, and it says a lot about not just your values but your common fucking sense that you’ve hitched your wagons to the Murderous Autocrat Wants Him Some More Serfs narrative instead.
Anyway, next time Zelenksy swings by for ice cream and Patriot missiles, he should wear his best tan suit.
Czar Vladimir the Terrible (At His Job) is, of course, delighted to have so many useful idiots working on his behalf in America. I bet it’s almost as good as having an army that knows how to fight a war, though I suppose we’ll never know.
Don’t know how much longer that Musk fellow will remain useful, at the rate he’s burning through his billions. Dude was already skimping on shit like rent and janitorial services, and that was before he shared Putin lackey Dmitry Medvedev’s demented “predictions” thread on his $44 billion vanity platform, reminding investors he’s less Visionary Genius than Standoffish College Freshman Who Discovered Libertarianism Last Week and Thinks He’s John Galt Now.
I don’t want to move on from Russia without mentioning the “buckets of fecal water.” You know you’re a goshdang superpower when Lauren Boebert’s on your state teevee and the state of your domestic affairs necessitates discussion of…buckets. Of fecal water.
Thanks to Ben Shapiro, I now understand the centuries-old tropes of the murder mystery genre are a liberal conspiracy to make insecure conservative dudes embarrass themselves on the internet. Just about everything is a liberal conspiracy to make insecure conservative dudes embarrass themselves on the internet, really. Song lyrics. Shakespeare plays. Toy potatoes. Pretty effective conspiracy, too, I’d add.
You don’t have to fling yourself into a sputtering fury every time anything happens, you know. You’d be happier. I mean, life’s short. Would you really want to spend the last hours before your arrest for rape and human trafficking getting humiliated in front of the entire world by a 19-year-old girl?
For all the blithering fuckery, I think we’re ending 2022 on a pleasantly high note, and I’ve certainly enjoyed all the Holy Crud Is This Hope I’m Feeling? columns. I definitely feel safer knowing Barry Croft Jr. won’t be kidnapping any governors for the next 19 years or so.
Hopefully 2023 will see the conviction and incarceration of many more terrorists, weirdos, and terrorist weirdos. You stay safe out there, friends, because you deserve to see it.
PS: Definitely don’t want to be pushy about it, but we’ve expanded the Buy Cap a Beer a page, as some of you have been requesting. We’ve got PayPal and Venmo now, though of course I’m also always willing to replace any ungrateful children in your will.
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